A 'for the first time in my life' experience,

which I know I definately will have another experience like this in my lifetime.

Last night was New Years Eve (Happy New Year also, though I'm sure I called at some stage)

Last night was a night of Alcohol and chillin'

Damon (my Brother) and I had drinks, and boy did I have drink and ate next to nothing (purposely)

I had a Chicken Sandwich at Midday and Damon and I started drinking about 5pm.

First we had 2 Jack and Coke Mixers each

Then we went for a walk to the Pub, we had 2 or so Scooners which went well.

As we played pool, slowly I realised I was going to be fucked, in my mind I went like this:



The walk home was quicker and we both needed to piss, as usual Rock-Paper-Scissors was the decider of who went first, as usual I won.

Not long after we cracked out the Bundy, called Rosie (another somewhat distant brother), I had a big lol with a drink in my mouth (vtec was kicking IN YO) and had dinner.

Give or take 30 minutes to an hour, a fair few more drinks and I saw steak again, lol.

My Mother was frankly scared by me getting smashed.

This morning I woke with no hang over and a massive smile, then the smile grew further when she informed me " You became your Father, you fucking scared me"

It was just a good night, to Quote Darryl in his thoughts after we conversed last night:

"was good to hear you soooo hammerd last night brah

got off the phone and thought fark yeah lloyd is being defiant to the shit 2009 he had"

and earlier when Darryl tried to call me:

"I rang Lloyd last night and Damon answered because Lloyd had head in bucket lulz"

I also said goodbye to Dad in a way that I felt good about, crying, screaming, swearing and drunk.

That was also something that scared Mum, Dad once upon a time had been doing some goodbyes the same way...

To sum up the goal of the evening from my Facebook status:

"would like to say goodbye to 2009 appropriately, with a nice big hug followed by a soccer punch to the back of the head. So much shit has happened this year but its the increadable, small, epic and awesome things that have made it liveable, thanks to everyone who's helped made it liveable. Now to enjoy drinking, unwind...ing with my bro and saying goodbye to the most horrid yet somewhat best year of my life.

To sum up the events of the evening Damon's status on Facebook did it well:

"Happy New Year 2 everyone, enjoy the nite drink hard and let all the problems of this year just disappear................Happy New Years"

And that was exactly what we did, or atleast I did.

Getting shit faced was good.

Will have to do it again sometime, LOL

Spam,

This song says enough for spamming these days:




Its oh-so-quiet

Music.

I enjoy all kinds of music, when I was 13 I wanted to learn to do Latin Dancing (Salsa to be precise) so I could do many things, at the top of the list was listen to more awesome music such as swing, latin jazz, jazz and mambo.

I really do enjoy this kind of Music, thinking about it an Ultimate day would be getting up at 8am, having a "Mark Buckridge Breakfast" (Basically the cure for a hangover, eggs, cheese, bacon, fresh rolls from the bakery and Tomato sauce to go with it all in a roll with a side of fresh chips)

Be finished cooking and cleaning by around 9-10 depending on how I am that morning.

Getting in the car with a lovely female companion, start driving and put on some of the legendary-Tito Puente (Plus many others) best hits and going for a nice long drive (only to stop for Lunch and come home for Dinner to have a nice glass of red wine with it)

A nice long drive with some epic tunes.

Would be ultimate win, hope by mid next yer I can do this.

Roller Coaster-

OF LOOOOOOOOVEEEEEEEEEEEE









WOO-WOO!

♥

willnodoubtmakesense

Won't be my last one:

The fact is that 2009 has been a gigantic, stretched and disgusting asshole of a year...your first memory or even your last will have you rolling on the floor in the fetal position as it will me.

All the negativity

All the death

All the hate

All of the RAGE.

Its an essential part of life

But then again Slipknot can fill this bit so I don't have to be original!

♪Life's so shitty, but ain't it fuckin' great?♪

I can't name the good things to happen to my life this year with two hands, that is how fucked this year was, as I know it was for many others.

But one of the things I can look at and never regret was that I met Rhiannon, regardless I won't regret that

There is another..

Otherwise it gets cloudy and hard after.

Someone that wouldn't have happened so soon unless Dad committed suicide was me going to Brisbane again, I went up for Dads funeral and stayed with Darryl and Rachey for a few days, that was a good thing despite the hate and pain.

The fact I have changed in such a way is one, before I was wise, mid 20's and traveled wise, now I feel like a 30 year old, I don't know everything nor do I flaunt what I know, but the moments I do pipe up it is helpful to those around me.

The fact is 2009 has brought many things to people, its given people different experiences.

Something has happened where its the epitome of where, how and WHY 2009 has been shit, your cars engine exploded, you lost your license, your parents split up, you got fired from your dream job, SOMETHING FUCKED WITH YOU.

Some people have needed someone that is below them, the situation there in, even if its to remind them that you have someone out there to talk to, to have a cry with and remember the pains and pleasures of 2009.

You've had a moment where you've reached rock bottom.

To name the third thing of what I got out of 2009 was this, it was also one of the biggest and hardest lessons in life, I've learnt to appreciate hitting rock bottom..

I know this will sound crazy and will only make sense to a handful of others, but I appreciated being picked up, thrown into a wall, then having my head beaten to a bloody pulp into a limestone rock.

I may be psychotic, I may have a slight pain fetish, I may have issues but I know what feels right and what feels wrong...

I was told 2009 was going to be my year, after all it did start on a few high's and ended on this thing called a low

2010 feels right, I simply cannot wait for it.



yet I can, I may want to hold onto this year despite what is has brought me.


oh well, 2010, my year, again.


I have a job Interview in under 3 hours, I'm nervous, I couldn't sleep, here's hoping.

The Mixed-Confusing-hardtofollow-post

Firstly:

I do believe it has become apparent to me that I just ejaculated into the articles of clothing that I am wearing to cover my legs.

Secondly: I want you to play this song whilst reading this post (if its not too much to request)

To the point now:

Besides that, Christmas has done me fair and well, first time in quiet a while honestly.

I received alot, I was spoilt infact, yet I gave so little, so much love from the shithole of 2009.

I got Will Smith Perfume (smells sexy, well not my judgement, but I have been informed so by wiminz, homosexual men and others who have valid opinion, my own doesn't count of it.)

A few tools (nothing too special, just some handy basics)

AN EPIC TOOLBOX (fucking WIN!!!)

Some Clothes and 50 bucks (which has been hard resisting buying some Absynth and getting plastered on that)



I will also receive as a Christmas gift and thanks for helping out my Mum with Cleaning Contract, Return trip to Victoria and a little spending Money for the Trip.

I need to finally meet the Victorian boys, its been overdue and after all.....I did promise to party with them back in November/January this year, I am a man of my word though its not the sole agenda, but you readers knew that already.


Will be nice to enjoy Dinner and some drinks.


Dinner at the least, I'll probably be drinking though......


Another thing that makes me more then happy and ready to travel 900+k's is to simply see a woman of whom I have no 'relationship' as such with, we have one, just not your typical one.

No doubt I would have done this trip regardless of meeting her, but she makes the Melbourne cake so much sweeter, more lulzy, warm and contain mudkip?

I'm looking forward to the demise of 2009, its been a shit year for everyone, 2010 is the time to quickly put myself together and get running once again.



Simply cannot fucking wait!

Spammin' with a Paddlin'

"Spamming the crew canoe, thats a paddlin"


/Done providing a lul

Christ-mass

Alright Guys,

Its Christmas Tomorrow.

So I'll say it now because I won't have interwebs tomorrow plus too busy, no doubt indulging and enjoying Champaign and passionfruit with my Grandmother.


Anyway followers and Lurkers, Merry fucking Christ-mass.

Today is Christmas eve and I already got a gift.

30 dollars.

Mum wanted me to go to the news agency to buy some scratchies.....the pub is across the road.........ohgod!

I purchased a few things with the Money.

Two of these:



One of these:



and a Pack of these:




A true waste of Money, but it felt good.

When I was talking to the Bar tender he said "you look like shit mate" (not "you look like you haven't slept") I simply responded (after he put my drinks down) "Yeah, Dad committed suicide in March, its been a shit year mate"

I drank my drinks, put them down, shook his hand and said "Cheers" and departed.

He probably had this face after.

Filling in a gap.

Someone on a certain forum post in the spam thread on page 1956:

"mehhhhhhhhhhh

thats what i feel right now..
MEHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"


I felt hate.

So I googled, 'hate'

Found this and felt my Father.







Thank you Dad.

That Face, Your Face, My Face, The Face.

Firstly, to set the feel of this post.

Be sure to play it at a comfortable level.





We all have faces.

Even if yours has been burnt off, there is something remaining.

Once upon a time my face was always blank constantly.

I use the term once upon a time because it was that long ago.

As I grew a little older and had shit to smile at, it became this:



I was probably Seven-Eight, life was picking up, we always had a bounty or choice of food, electricity and all of the essentials.

Bare in mind we always had food in our mouth, power and a roof over our heads.

Mum seemed happy with her partner, well, soon to be Husband.

Looking at it now, it was a good time at the time, now it wasn't.

Not long after shit kept happening around me I snapped.

My Face became this:



Ten years of age, the Father and stepmother now have 2 children, I'm nolonger of interest or apple in his eye.

My Mother was busy with other shit, other people, everything.

Little did my young mind know is that she won't be around at all for when I need her and "You'll be raising yourself Lloyd, enjoy it"

Time passed again, 15 and enjoying Tobacco occasionally.



A stage at my life I'd like to relive and forget.

Moving out of home, having a girlfriend whom I'd regret eventually, Getting my First real girlfriend who was born in 1986 and ran on 13" wheels.

Need I go on?

It was a beautiful time, It was a horror time.

I wish I had have known my Grandmother was going to die soon, I really do.

Fast forward more Horror and beauty and what do we have here?



18, Ray-bans for my 18th Birthday gift.

Fact is that Mum had no Money.

These Glasses were purchased in 1980 and stashed until my 18th.

She wore them twice, Tried them on my father once (she knew she was Pregnant with me at that stage)

It meant more to me then anything in the world at this time.

Mum and I are still arguing and not seeing eye to eye, we never will.

I've realised for the past 2-3 years I've been over my relationship and the off again on again shit.

I loath my Father, I loath him for many reasons. I loath the hate he has sprouted in me, I loath the fact I am his son, I don't want to be like him at all, I try so hard not to be.

I hate him so much I would wish he would die, something I won't ever take back.

Now, lets once again Fast forward, 2 more years precisely..



I wish my Father was still around.

2009 is a shithole of a year, it was meant to be the best year of my life, it is the epitome of the words "Fuck" "My" and "Life"

Bottling pure rage and hatred for almost 20 years was hard, losing my Father was harder and a lesson.

The Lesson was to unleash.

I have always been an honest person, upfront and honest.

In saying that I am full of shit.

I have never truly unleashed, not a case of calmly telling someone to get fucked and my thoughts, just unleashing, throwing the bottle at the brick wall and enjoying the destruction if you will.

Unleashing it all was scary, it was a bottle of Vodka, full bar one quick scull.

I won't take back the hate Dad, the wish of the demise of my Father nor my Hate of him, he let me alone to unleashing of more once he passed.

I'm sure looking at this, he didn't see it coming as most don't, but he is loving watching his sons.

The hatred that was unleashed once he had committed suicide was scary, the fact I was able to contain it for so long in some form was more scary, you have a moment where you finally snap again, you're alone as requested, you've fapped to keep your mind off shit.

You're in a dark room listening to a CD that reminds you of your father, crying, crying in your hands, you then look at them and feel Anger and Rage and want to break something.

The more scary part was feeling this destructive urge, what scared me more was containing that without going through what I had planned, Wisemans Ferry at Midnight and some delicious.

Having the urge, giving in to the urges was hard, giving in just a little was harder, fact is you're a composed person, always under your own control, you want to fly off the handle but resisting something that everything points to Yes is the hardest thing of your life second to many things.

You know its self destructive, you know you'll enjoy it, it will feed you, but its just so hard..

Having the urge to scream until my lungs collapse, The urge to bite my lip until it bled and required serious attention, The urge to just feel physical pain because there is a massive lack of Mental pain was huge and hard.

Wanting this physical pain brought me back to my Shoulder Reconstruction, first day home, in tears from the pain and dad came over just to give me 2 magazines.

It was amazing and brought tears.

I tried screaming, I screamed until it hurt to breath, it was never enough, it never will be.

I am am forever a changed man, I can now say for the first time in my life I have truly experienced, felt and got over PURE HATRED and moved on to better things.

I still dwell and remember those nights sitting in Gahkbe on Wisemans Ferry and Screaming until it felt like I was pumping acid through my body.

It still feels good to dwell on it.

That won't ever change.

Later in this year I found freedom, I have chased it and found it, finally.

What does it feel like?

Amazing and scary.

I also find that losing one of the biggest things (my license) my Father and I achieved wasn't so hard, was pretty easy.

Finding hate was amazing.

Finding the Dark in SHOGUNOVDDRK was amazing.

Finding the Looser in Lloyd was amazing, then being informed that its not "Looser" its "nerd" was intriguing, finally, I do fall under a label?

Finding the first L of Lloyd was interesting, its Love.

So finding the Love in Lloyd was amazing.

Now I have realised that over 20 years I have over 99 problems.

2009 is almost over.

2010 is almost here.

I have no expectations of 2010, I developed expectations for 2009 and it kicked me in the balls, repeatedly.

2009 kicked and kicked and kicked, but what next, terminal prostate Cancer?

wait a minute, My mother has already somewhat fought Cancer before.

What I do want from 2010 (in no particular order).

A Job.
My License back
To move to Brisbane
To Get another Job in Brisbane (if I cannot transfer)
To Continue having such an epic Woman love me and want me (which I know will happen regardless, and it will always be returned)

One of those moments.

Today I organised a swap meet, Honda swap meet to be precise.

Was an awesome meet despite the shit weather.

We had a BBQ, sold some parts and just had lots of laughs.

Despite how good today was it was missing 2 things, Rhiannon and something else, a simple 5 minute conversation.

Going back to March, At Dads funeral I looked at my brother and held him.

He had that look on his face, the one everyone else had.

I then said with a tear in my eyes "There are going to be so-so many moments where you will wish Dad was around, to talk to him and hear his voice, to hug him tight and go back in for a second hug, just for him to be there."

Today was one of those days for me, one of those days where I organised another fantastic meet that Dad had always been promising to come to, usually he wasn't available, interstate or simply too busy.

I would usually call him after the meet and talk to him about it and tell him how awesome it was and inform him that he should have come.

He always did ask why I did it, I always told him it was good to get out, meet new faces and see awesome cars.

He was somewhat proud of what I was able to achieve and that I was able to organise such a number of people to attend a meet where we all have a common interest.

I had that moment where I realised what I'd usually do after such a big meet, it simply sucked.

My Stepmother called me and ACTUALLY REMEMBERED the meet was on, Simply amazing.

I miss my Father greatly despite our relationship.

Sadly I used to love and loath him, he used to cause such pain to me but I still loved him.

I would wish he would just leave my life or die, I did get this .

Though I miss him, I won't take it back.

Initially I was furious, not at the fact that he was dead and gone, but the fact he beat me to the punch.

Now I am glad I didn't commit an hero on Wisemans Ferry.

His death has changed me in ways I never thought possible.

Last night I found a CD I thought was stolen with most of my CD's, Mary star of the sea.

To be precise, Zwan.

Felt good man.

Just to end this with a nice song:

Little Blue Dress...

Firstly, the crumb trail is over.

I used various ways of annoyance to get a girl here to read this, despite me dragging her through 3-4 avenues, I think she will enjoy this read, bare in mind I've done this back to front, it was good fun, I wish I was with her right now, but a beggar cannot be a chooser, can they?

Now earlier this week I purchased a little blue dress, well, I purchased it, but it wasn't my money (as such) paying for it.

On with the story.

I was with my mother the other day and Mum insisted we stopped in a store to have a look at some clothes.

Bare in mind I was already looking around at the dresses for someone of whom I care for a great deal...she knows who she is, you probably do too if you know me well enough, after all I do love her.

Anyway, Mum and I shopping, We run in, Mum wasn't looking for herself or someone else like my sister or someone else whom is like a child, instead she was looking for the same person as I was, Mum obviously likes this girl from Victoria of whom has my heart, they have spoken on the phone and I know Mum, if she had an issue with Rhiannon she'd vocalise it.

So Mum was hunting around and asking me questions about what sought of Skirt/Dress Rhiannon wears, We already knew her size so that made it alot easier now.

During Mums question I saw a long dress and I slowly started to salivate.......then it hit me "Does Rhiannon like long dresses?" I decided against it, thinking back to it, it wouldn't have looked near as good as the Blue Dress.

Mum repeated and I responded with "Tasteful short dresses, usually with tights, it makes her look/+me go om-nom-nom"

We continued to look around and really all the stuff at this particular shop wasn't to what I wanted to get for Rhiannon, it wasn't to my taste, nor to what I think hers would be, then as we start to walk out of the store, we spot something from the corner of our eyes, something short and blue.

I looked at it for a size, no specific size, they come in small, medium, large, etc.

I took the XL and tried it on Mum as an idea of how it'd fit, perfect, done, amazing.

I decided this was the dress for Rhiannon, will look totally awesome.

As I went to pay I decided I would asked the woman said it'd fit her size, she said it should fit fine, fingers crossed it fits perfectly.

Plus I can send Lloyd Bear down with the dress :)

I knew Rhiannon didn't want ME buying her something (despite later finding out....well have her hint what she wanted to get me..) but the possibility of murder was well worth throwing caution to the wind.

Now I can't wait to see her wear it, though no doubt it'll be a while *sigh*

Oh well, Patience is a virtue.

hmmmm

There has been so much I've wanted to blog about, though sadly I have not had the Internet there with me to post it and didn't bother to write it up beforehand, it felt fake when I did.

I've had a few moments of clarity, negative clarity and then positive.

Though the negative clarity was good it was also turned into a positive thanks to someone in my life.

It felt good to have such a spin on my own thoughts and realisation.

The facts weren't distorted, just not looked at in an un-bias fashion..

Now they have been, My mind vs Facts have been solved.

Felt good (wo)man.

Simple fact of life is this, you're always going to look at yourself in a negative manner at one stage, its just having someone around to correct it that makes it easier.


Thats life really.

Another one bites the dust.

RIP to my Mothers Father.

Today I recieved a call from my Grandmother and put the phone onto my Mother (immediately, she didn't tell me)

In August another person involved in my life passed on, my grandfather.

Didn't find out till today.

Heart attack, of all things from a man with a weak heart (triple bypass before)

This news wasn't shell shocking, or a shock really.

Though he was my grandfather, we weren't close, I never got along with him, he never really accepted me for who I was, he was a complicated man who worked till his dying days.

71 and dead, My grandmother has realised she is human and not immortal.

My Grandmother and him have been seperated for years, almost as long as I have been breathing air if not longer.

When Mum came and told me I gave her a hug at first.

I then asked if she laughed when Grandma told her, she gave me this look and a grin.

We both laughed.

After I began to ponder my thoughts, does my Family and I deal with death too easily?

Sure, Dads death was shell shocking, its not the first or last major death in recent years but the fact of the matter is I've remained fairly composed under the circumstances.

I know I'm head strong, but am I too head strong?

Its hard being this head strong, all I want to do is lock myself up in a dark house with a carton of Cigarettes and a lighter and just do whatever I do.

*sigh*

Oh well, I guess head strength isn't an issue for me.

The-

Today hasn't ended for me yet, been up 30ish hours now.

Got home at 5:30, sent an email to a very special girl I hold dear and got on msn, facebook, Ozhonda, the usual places.

Long behold a good mate of mine was up at this crazy hour and wanted to come over for a smoke, this is a win thing.

We were talking about a few things, death being one.

I basically relived the events of March 9th and March 12th.

Well, the Events that started on March the 9th and I found out on the 12th.

To be precise, the Suicide of my father and how I found out.

It all started with me talking about this special Girl I emailed not long before and little Green beads I once wore and had given to her, which look beautiful on her.

On March the 9th my Father, Mark Buckridge committed suicide, I found out on the 12th.

Reliving this moment was amazing, I cried and It hurt so much more then when I found out, but felt good to talk about it.

Lets face it, I've had a long and hard life.

Its been a good life by standards, but long and hard, I feel 30 in some aspects for a reason after all.

Anyway, my dearest Friend appologised, though it wasn't necessary, I explained that it felt good to have a cry, a smoke and talk about Dads final decision in life, reliving 10:30 on that faithful Thursday night, This evening was after the best day of work I have ever had.

Not long after we went to Maccas for some Breakfast, the Champion paid for mine, god I owe him so much.

To cut a long story short, we were having a smoke and my mate gave his mum a call back after we were done eating.

It was terrible news, a cut, a rip, a stab, I could feel it in me, it was slowly appearing, my heart was breaking just by simply watching him on the phone, I knew that look, I've seen it in others before, just not on my face despite the tragedy of March.

He got off the phone and informed me that his Uncle had just passed away, he had a good fight but sadly it was time, he knew it and was ready.

I knew that feeling all to well with previous close losses, you've just got off the phone from another loved one and have been informed someone you love, you hold dear, you don't want to see go.

Sadly they are gone, they have passed on, they are smiling in heaven if you will, the weather almost reflected this perfectly for my mate.

It was a dark cloud and shitty looking day, after he found out the sun came out from hiding in the dark clouds.

I've never seen my mate drag a Gudang like a regular smoke, he did so today.

If I recall properly I said "Today kinda reflects well, look, dark clouds over there and now the Sun has come to greet us" he agreed.

We sat in silence for a few moments, after that all I could do was come over to him and hug him, hold him tight and be there for him at that very moment.

I knew what he was going through, I knew there was nothing I could say or do really, just be there and let him know if he needs support, he has it, if he needs to get away for a week or weekend, I know where he can go.

In a way I am glad I was there with him, in another I am not.

Not for my own selfish purpose, but some people prefer this news to be broken on there own, in silence.

I personally would have rathered been told about Dad on my own, so I could have attempted to scream until my lungs collapsed, rather then watch my Mother, Sister and at time Girlfriend cry and ask those stupid questions of "Are you ok?"

To this day I sadly know from experience that no matter how loud I yell, NO MATTER HOW LOUD, It won't ever be enough, I won't ever feel satisfied.

Adam needed a few moments to himself which was fair enough, he went for a smoke, once he came back and we talked about it a little we got up to go visit our friend, Fresh pack of cigarettes.

We cleaned up our tray and I looked at him, opened up my arms and instructed to "Come here man", I gave him a hug, I squeezed him, it may or may not have been what he felt he needed, but he got it, he got numerous amounts of them from me, I know from experience you just want a hug, not a word, just a hug.

This was fucking hard for him, it hit him hard, I guess the news being broken to him with a mate who has been through it made it a little better and a little worse, bitter sweet if you will, the fact is that this hit him harder then Dads suicide hit me.

That raised a question in my head, how and why did I cope so well?

Am I that strong headed?

How did I live through it?

How did I manage to get up Friday morning, tell my boss, tell all of my co-workers all bluntly and do a day of work without a single tear shed at that stage HOW?

I won't ever know why, I have yelled these questions until my throat burns and my eyes are red and sore from Crying, the backs of my hands, my shirt and palms are covered in salt from wiping my tears and I have headache from all of my yelling at Wisemans ferry, where I once plotted my suicide and where Dad and I went for our last drive together, well, his Ashes

I guess being beaten to that punch was one of the things that held me together, being composed that night and calmly spamming "My father has committed suicide, I feel like shit, I think I'm going to be away for a while"

The fact I did this shows two things, I won't air them.

If you know me, you've heard me say both of these things to your face.

Starts with a big L, not for Lloyd either.

The second starts with a Capital C

Knowing that if time ran out on my side I would have had similar, if not bigger reactions, the feeling was scary, It was only 10 days until I committed an hero and took my car with me.

Thinking about it, I'm glad I didn't.

Seeing Dads funeral, being there, smelling the flowers, hearing the tears hit the floor, hearing such a beautiful reception, knowing that all of these people whom majoritally I never met were there to mourn him, it made me realise something.

Me being me, I still cracked the usual jokes and got a smile.

I won't change.

The same mentioned girl once emailed me "Never change"

Strong words to me.

We got back to my place and I knew he had alot to do, we exchanged more hugs and the offer was left on the table.

He headed off to do what he had to do but before he did I reminded him of something:

"You're going to get alot of "I'm sorry's" and the usual, it may enrage you, it may make you break down and cry, just let it all out, you don't need to be brave, just let it all out man"

After that I grabbed another hug and we started to cry, I then said "I guess we're 12 again, its ok to cry once again"

He laughed as I did, I then added "Its always ok to cry man" as I rubbed another tear out f my eye.

He got in the car and I asked if Dad smokes, he said he quit.

I left my dearest friend with 2 Gudangs, he only wanted one but I said "You're going to have one and then feel something and have the other one, just take them man"

I know he has a long and hard road to go, I feel for him from both ends of the spectrum, its not going to be easy, its going to be hard but he has great friends surrounding him including myself.

Whatever he needs he will get.

I got home and cried some more, not only because for my mate, but because he is now experiencing what I have time and time before, it never gets easier, it never gets harder it just is.

I met this guy buying floor matts for my car, 20 dollars and a slurpee on a freezing night, great deal if you ask me.

We're like brothers now and it hurts me to know what he will go through.

♪ Thinking about you ♪

This is a Beautiful song, I was listening to it today and hadn't really sat and appreciated it in a long while, well it feels like a long while.

I was on the Veranda at my Grandmothers/Mothers place up in Umina and enjoying a smoke and thinking of Rhiannon as I have been doing on an epic scale, I really do need a find a word to properly express how much I do think of her.

So here's the songs lyrics, its not really the best song to be listening to and then read the song lyrics and realise that you connected, you connected it with a girl that you love, but I love the song, I love the girl, I am still thinking about her.

Going through the song I do connect with it, not necessarily the pure meaning Thom had, but the essence of the song.

To me its simple, Thom York is singing about a girl that he is crazy about and cannot stop thinking about, lets look beyond the fame remarks (unless that is in regards to her talking to him?)

The song starts off, so light, so beautiful, acoustic Guitar, this is the sought of song that I would envision is played during a movie (fading in and out of course) where the couple go for a picnic, romance, you get the idea.

I think Radioheads blatant acoustic Guitar is making me want to re-learn Guitar (properly) and give it a go.

I can't sing, but maybe I can enjoy acoustic Guitar.

Through the lyrics, all of his thinking, he feels overwelmed by her and this is all shortly met by his insecurities, his feelings, his loneliness.

Enough Delay, Thinking about you - Radiohead:

Been thinking about you
Your record's a hit
Your eyes are on my wall
Your teeth are over there
But I'm still no one
And you're my star
What do you care?

Been thinking about you
And there's no rest
Should I still love you
Still see you in bed
But I'm playing with myself
What do you care?
When the other men are far far better

All the things you've got
All the things you need
Who bought you cigarettes
Who bribed the company to come and see you honey?

I've been thinking about you
So how can you sleep
These people aren't your friends
They're paid to kiss your feet
They don't know what I know
And why should you care
When I'm not there

Been thinking about you
And there's no rest
Should I still love you
Still see you in bed
But I'm playing with myself
What do you care?
When I'm not there.

All the things you've got
That you'll never need
All the things you've got
I've bled and I'd bleed to please you
... honey

Been thinking about you..



This is a beautiful song and no doubt for a beautiful girl Thom knew or knows.

I'm just glad I don't have to write such a passionate and strong song (with such a dark light) for a beautiful girl in my life.

Something to remember.

I just had a pretty awesome weekend, Rhiannon and Nathan came over from Victoria to chill and get away for the weekend.

Nathan and I have known and spammed with each other for some time, I think since July-ish and we have grown closer as mates from there, via the paddlin' of a spammin' and just being there.

I met Rhiannon through Nathan one day when he was on the phone at Uni and on MSN, Rhiannon was so kind to say Hi to me and let me know he was on the phone, but we started a conversation and I told her to add me on Facebook :P

Slowly Rhiannon and I have progressively gotten closer and closer.

When we first started talking I wouldn't have honestly thought that we would grow together and so close over time, its a little bit of a mind fuck thinking about it really.

Rhiannon and I have talked about everything with honestly and trust, we have been there for our own ups and downs, whenever she is down I am usually up and able to help her up, whenever I have been down she usually has been up and been there to help me up.

See-Saw relationships are good, I have noticed that I do have alot around me which is a good feeling.

When I first met Rhiannon she would inform me she is, If I recall properly she would specify further with "All my friends say I am awesome, I have to agree"

She also used to say "I'm special in the eating paste way"

of course I would dismiss and correct the eating paste.

Calling her awesome and special is true but a harsh understatement.

Over the time that Rhiannon and I have spoken something has grown inside of me?

Rhiannon is simply an amazing woman as per previous blog post, I really wish I could just sit down and write down everything about her, all the positives and whatever negatives I can find about her.

I wish I could concrete a smile on her whilst demolishing her doubts, fearing and loathing she may have about herself, I know she has them and though changing it completely would make her un-human, it may be worth it to see that smile for good.

Fact is whilst in Brisbane I thought about her alot amoung other things, I had an amazing moment on the First Saturday I was in Brisbane, this feeling is amazing once I realise what it is, I had realised I am in love and that I do love this woman though we had never met.

The thing that is more amazing is this, she understands who I am, she loves who I am? and most important, she accepts me for who I am, not my money (or lack there of), not my looks (or lack there of), not the music I like or the clothes I wear (or lack there of).

Just all of it in one, me.

Now in writing this, I know to some it will seem crazy or silly, to others they will understand how I feel.

I know that a matter months ago if I had have seen something similar written in a mates blog and under similar cicumstance, I would have laughed out loud, not necessarily because they have followed the heart, but because I 'knew' love was fake and can be faked.

Though I know I am extremely loved all those around me, Rhiannon has taught me something, that I can love and that I can be loved.

I've got 92 problems and not being able to love isn't one of them.

Two Spoons, the little and big one.

As I lay in bed, laying and holding this wonder of a woman of whom I still ask myself, infact,
I did aloud:
"What did I do to get this woman?"

yet I continue to answer it with:
"I don't care, I'm glad I did whatever I did, I'd do it again and again"

I simple tear dropped from my green eyes whilst dwelling on a simple thought, a simple reality, a simple formality, a simple fact.

I loathed the fact I did this, yet loved it with what remains of my heart.

As she layed there I played with her soft hair with one hand and held her at the waist whilst she slept in the other and slowly kissed her back, her beauty is amazing and I sighed softly.

I physically cannot find fitting words for this woman, in-order to describe her I would have to have NASA find an unknown planet that would speak in code, then I would have to have it translated to German, from German it would be translated to French, from French to Spanish, from Spanish it would be translated to Japanese, from Japanese it would be translated to English, even then the words aren't fitting.

She looks amazing in my Vintage 1980's Raybans, She enjoys the sweet taste of Cinamon from Gudangs, She makes the little things like holding hands feel good, She makes the big things even better and bigger, there are not words that fit in-order to describe her appropriately, I wouldn't want to attempt it and insult her, not that it'd be an insult to her, but it'd never be complete, It'd keep getting added on and on and on.

I know that no doubt she will not read this until she gets home on Monday, if she does beforehand then it may be for the better, it may not, only the almighty Touge gods know, if she reads this I want her to come up to me, kiss me on the lips, look me in the eyes and say "Shizam"

Simple fact is that this woman has allowed me to do something that I didn't believe I would do anytime soon, or again?

I once truly doubted a feeling I once had for another, what I felt previously may have been real, it may not have been, even if that wasn't real, the feeling that I had previously that could have been plutonic is now a reality, all those possible plutonic feelings are nolonger plutonic, they are real thing that I feel with this woman.

Without realising it this woman has also been a shoulder to talk and cry on, hug and kiss, it feels good, its amazing, its beyond me how I managed to get this woman.

She has also made me realise that I have one problem down.

I got 99 problems bu-

I will make a seperate blog post specifying the problem solved later, she deserves her own post again without a doubt.

Newd

Alright, whilst in Surfers Paradise on an awesome Friday I won't ever forget I did a nudey run.

Now no one was awake to see the Nudey run sadly so I did it solo.

I got down stairs and could feel the wind against my balls and everything, it felt awesome.

Last night I was sitting on my Veranda and a nice breeze came, I already had my pants off because I was taking care of a certain sore that I wasn't pleased to see (fuck me dead, gotta shower like 20 times a fucking day FFS) and I decided "fuck it, I'm gonna get naked"

So I did, felt awesome, felt good man.

So, what did I learn?

Getting naked is good for you, I think I'll make a ritual out of it and do it once a week.

Would post the nudie run video right now, but youtube doesn't fucking like me..

Being oblivious.

On Monday night I had a bit of a perception realisation (if you will)

I was sitting in the back of Adams mums car, it was pissing down with rain and smiling.

Lisa looked at me and asked "What the fuck are you smiling at?"

Before I could really respond Adam responded with "Lloyd is always smiling, its usually when he isn't smiling that you should be worried"

So it kinda clicked, I'm always smiling? I was oblivious to this fact.

I asked around and consensus agreed, that and I am always smiling.

I don't know why I always do, but I do?

I never did realised it back then but my Father used to ask what was wrong when I wasn't smiling, I didn't think about that until today when it clicked further.

I'd usually respond with a "its nothing" and he would leave it at that but he knew that something was up when I wasn't smiling, something, he didn't know, but he knew something was up, I never did tell him my troubles at the time, sadly I cannot now but the fact was when I did talk about them previously they fell on deaf ears *sigh*

At times I ponder how it might be different now, but then I know it probably wouldn't have been.

I guess this isn't a problem, smiling and being see through isn't a problem for me, well, not anymore now that I know it and live it, sure speaking it isn't a problem anymore either.

wow, 93 problems, its feels like its been so long.

So, I have 93 problems and smiling isn't one of them, neither is being see through, should I make it 92 now?

No, its all in one basket when it comes down to the boil.

I don't know how to end this post, I don't know if I should use a song or an image, I think I will leave that bit empty this time.

Just a small one.

So I haven't posted in a while, I've been away.

Had my Birthday last Monday (20, fux yes, shall blog on that later) and went to Brisbane for an awesome time (shall do a big post for this later)

But for now, just something small to a special lady.

She knows who she is and I just wanted to post for her.

Radiohead caused this post.

So I've been crying for the past 30 minutes, I accidently the whole Radiohead, the whole thing.

I'm not afraid to cry or let my emotions out, I cry at the smallest and largest things these days since being broken and then me stomping on the shards of a broken man as though I was deep in a mosh pit at a Marilyn Manson concert.

Mark Buckridge taught me as a child that crying was ok when necessary, he didn't do the whole "Be a man" thing, he understood I was in touch with my feminine side, whenever he would see me cry he would comfort me, I grew to stop the tears from flowing as I loathed it, his final choice in life broke my tap and they pour out whenever they please once again.

So, how did I come to conclude I'm not afraid to cry?

I pushed myself today mentally, I have been doing it alot and I have so many albums I had choosen not to listen to but today was the last Album.

It was Radiohead's - Pablo Honey, I have slowly been pushing myself more and more to listen to this fantastic music, this music that my father and myself enjoyed, it also reminds myself of the good, the bad times and smile, cry and weep.

Today was the breaking point for tears, It felt good and I willingly let it out.

The song that did it to me?

Creep, I used to love this song long before Dad and I connecting together with this band, infact the Album for this song, I connected because I am this song: (edited)

♪ But I'm a creep,
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here

I don't care if it hurts,
I wanna have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul ♪

We first connected together on a drive while on my L's when it was "Lloyds music time"

I chucked this on and we started enjoying the drive more.

To conclude, I have 94 problems and being afraid to cry or allow my emotions to pour isn't one of them.

I feel awesome, thank you Ark for reminding me of the blog in perfect timing.


Now to further share the song:

Well I don't know why I came here tonight?

Ok, So I have realised I am down a problem, its kinda motivated me slowly.

So, we're down to 94 Problems.

I'm not really afraid of being lonely, infact I love it, sure a woman for physical conversation is fun and having someone to cuddle up to is awesome, but to be frank I don't feel I need a relationship to have that, well, not a full on one, I have a feeling Oasis is teaching me things that I shouldn't learn?

Maybe, but I'm twenty in a matter of hours, who gives a shit?

Fact of the matter is this I'm talking about as a life without a wife, I can live life knowing I have a child out there and spread my seed, after all I do want children, right?

Adding further the fact is this, why the fuck am I thinking of this as a problem? being alone and 20 on a Friday night, I'm too young to even fucking think about that shit, though being unmarried? hmmm, I could do it, just knock a woman up and spread my seed?

What I refer to is this, being alone on Friday night, bored, sitting on the Veranda, smoking a cigarette and webcamming with a girl whom barely knows me.


Yes I'm ronrey, yes I love it, I'm not horny atleast.

I have 94 problems, feeling lonely in the typical senses isn't one.

Now for my readers, a song, love it with me:

Blog,Blog,Blog,Blog,Blog,Blog,Blog-

Now before I start writing this blog I want you to put you in the same relaxed and chilled frame of mind I am currently in.

Its 12:05am (honestly, an excellent time to blog), the breeze feels good against my balls (yes, I'm free-balling in my pants), I'm having epic Cigarette cravings, the veranda is pleasant, my skin is saying "hey, HEY, HEY Lloyd, Lloyd, LLOYDLLOYDLLOYD, yeah, you see me?, yeah? fuck you!" and I'm listening to this song, enjoy it with me:



So, alot has been on my mind today, and a girl whom I know reads the blog.

She is firstly (to sum it up) amazing, she is very special, she is a one of a kind in her own way, she articulates herself in an appropriate manner and leaves gaps for a better result when necessary, she is clever, she is quick witted, she knows what she is doing and how to tease and please, she makes me salivate and provides me with Butterflies, she does things to me that I never thought would happen from such simple conversation and observations, its amazing, its almost a headfuck, I also promised this same girl I would post in this blog a few nights ago, that was Friday, I think (whoops), Sorry guys and girls.

Anyway,

This also brought a multiple of things to me, they will come in other blog posts, oh and not forgetting the blog also came into my mind today, sadly I have abandoned it lately as I have found it harder to find things that aren't my problem anymore, that and my slowly snow balling social life and my upcoming Birthday (yes, 20, amazing, I feel 30, I want to feel 20, not 30, not like I have experienced it all and am ready for kids.) I have found a few things but sadly I soon forget them, maybe they are not resolved enough? (f-UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-)

I have been very distracted and though I know I'm not reaching my goals of completing and defeating all my problems I have come to grow as a person and realise my demons, my ego's and who I am as a person and a being.

*had to move back inside here at this point, battery was very low*

In doing this and slowly writing this all down I have actually come to realise that I have found one problem of mine and overcome it.

I now have 95 problems and crushing someone isn't one of them nor is the fear of doing it.

I know its not something really to be proud of, but I am a hard person when its needed, its needed a fair bit in this day and age, or atleast I have become a hard person.

Onto Crushing; Crushing someone isn't a nice feeling for most, for me it actually fed me further, it provoked growth, change, who I am now today.

I openly spoke to my mother about what I had done previously in the not so distant past and recent past, how it made me feel, she was horrified yet somewhat numb, she referred to it as "feeding your ego", maybe these other Lloyds are ego's, not more of a realistic thing?

Maybe mum didn't purposely leave the word Alter out?

Onto the definition of "ego"

• an inflated feeling of pride in your superiority to others
• self: your consciousness of your own identity
• (psychoanalysis) the conscious mind

Onto the definition of "alter ego"

• a second self
• a very close and intimate friend
• a very close and trusted friend who seems almost a part of yourself

Anyway, Crushing; now of course what you're doing is telling a person something that will devistate them, destroy in some cases, of course it will hurt them, will make them cry, will shatter them, will enrage them...

It will make you smile, take a load of your shoulders, make music feel good, food taste better, wine sit better, it will change you.

This is something you don't want to do at any cost though, its not in your character, your gene's, you, but is it in you?

But doing this is necessary, not for them, for you, its your one selfish thing to do, so make it last.

Recently I have used my drink tickets at the crushing bar and I liked it.

I broke up with the bitch, I semi-devistated another girl, not for a laugh but because I simply could not allow myself to start or continue a sham, get me?

How did these things make me feel, despite the externals of me yelling "YOOOOOOUUUUUUU FUCK" then the Internal laughs, it starts with a "hmhmhmhmhmhmm..."

I'm not saying that I enjoyed this, yet I am, I'm not just saying I enjoy it, perhaps I love it?

What I'm trying to say is this, I'm not afraid to hurt others anymore, I had 96 problems but I feel this is more then worth becoming the one for 95, funnily enough this is the problem solved before I solved the problem of the bitch?

Amazing when I think about it, I solved this problem just before I dumped the bitch, hmhmhmhmhmhmhmmmm..

oh btw, if you're reading this with the song on and its over, listen to this and enjoy.







Feels good man~

Connections

So, I had one of those days today.

Just one of those days you've been putting off since July but something you'd rather have happened naturally in November.

I stripped out my car today, well, of all useful parts, as Ben and I started pulling away at the muscles and tissues out of what remains of my former love, my girlfriend, my dirty little secret, my Car, my poor little 1986 Honda Civic, I her call Gahkbe (Gahba) she was my little whore, she was dirty, VD ridden, unsafe, loved by one person and something you don't bring home to your mother....though your mother gave her to you.

I had a massive connection to this rusty, underpowered car, I love it.

Whenever I was upset the car was there for me, a simple key in her hole did the trick, it was not the girlfriend, not the family, not the jobs, the car, its sad in a way when you think of a 5 year period and the only things really in your life was your father and your car, then again maybe I am just blinded by the reality, the facts, the situation.

As I got to the end of the strip out and finished removing the passenger seat, I sat in my driver seat for one last time with the keys in that spot for one last time and all those memories came back to me, all those fights, all those speeding nights, all those 2am drives home from Palm Beach, Old Pac, Wisemans ferry, Stanmore tops, Woolongong, Canberra and the epic drive to Brisbane, A tear came to my eye as I realised something, I won't ever drive this fine piece of machinery again, so many memories reside in that frail shell that now remains, I'll drive another, just, not this one, just one like it.

Another big memory popped up just as I turned the key, my good friend Jessi and the first time I chased her through old pac, the first voyage, the beginning of what is now the end.

I then had a song come to my head, Johnny Cash, well, Joaquin Pheonix singing a Johnny Cash song.

I first heard this song not so long ago, I had it in my head after watching Walk the line, it was amazing, I adored Johnny Cash's music before but the Movie, the movie, it was simply delightful and salivating.

I had not really listened to this song for some time, last time I had the song on was when I had my mother in the car and it wasn't so delightful.

All those memories introduced by a soothing song.

The fact is that I had a connection with this car, this woman, all those memories contained in a 850kilo car (with the spare, a hydrolic jack + other shit)

To some its nothing, its a car, to others like Jessi, many others and I, its not that simple, its not a car to get you from A-B, its a partner, you go through good and bad, you talk to her when she feels down, you service her and she feels better.

When she doesn't want to idle you attempt to push those buttons, you know, to make her better, though it doesn't work you learn to brake with the left foot and control the idle with the right foot whilst throttling the handbrake aswell..

I have many connections with things and people, some may be stronger, some may not, they are all strong.

Sadly the car will be forever a memory.

I now have lost the possession of my car, I can't experience the touch, the feel, the sound of an unbalanced idle but the connection will forever remain, though my connection with the song playing in my head shall remain and has been strengthened in a more positive manner.

I don't have my car anymore, I can't drive it, I can't enjoy it, but I can always remember this exact moment in my 19 years of life with this song.



I ♥ you Gahkbe.

Masks

We all have masks, a mask is simple and perhaps you may not realise it yet.

They are people whom we look at, we develop a characteristic and tendencies from and hide behind.

We also grow from these and develop further as individuals further, as people.

Some of these are people we know, some are a character in a 2 hour film, some are drawn on paper and some are in 208 page books.

These masks allow us to be 'me', they are the key and without knowing it, it connects you the eventual 'me', the me that you become and then become aware, yes, when it is too late, when you enjoy and indulge in these qualities.

They allow wrath, indifference, hatred, lust, spite, depression, emotion, tears, racism, sexism, destruction, self-destruction, mayhem and so much more, these are things that you are not or will not allow to be within your characteristics.

I'd like to take this moment to draw emphasis from Tyler Durden and the Narrator, when he finally who Tyler really is:

"All the ways you wish you could be, that's me. I look like you wanna look, I fuck like you wanna fuck, I am smart, capable, and most importantly, I am free in all the ways that you are not."

This isn't a mask, but its the example I want to present.

I have and had many masks, being made aware of it finally, I had realised that I infact restrained it for a lengthy period of time and then on one stormy night whilst doing 160km/h while taking dad for one last drive, it hit, nothing, the calm before the final storm which hit..

I pulled over, I could smell my brakes from those sweet hairpins, I looked at my trusty girlfriend (the car), I got back in once that shade of red disappeared and looked myself in the eye with my mirror and said something, I can't utter it again, the look on my face was priceless, almost like I was looking at another person, I had just destroyed someone else, such decisive things I may have once never realised I had spoken of before, but it was the beginning, this is why I shared emphasis of Tyler Durdan and the Narrator.

This mask, it had become so clear, so profound, so breath taking, it was so much more clearer to me now, it was like going from a 30cm black and white tv to moving up to a 120cm LCD tv with a surround sound system, it was amazing, Homer Simpson would salivate a river in the clarity difference.

Though I won't utter the words, I can describe him further, He is Dark, Handsome, Amazing with woman, Mentally strong and physically stronger, there was alot more to him, just not much remaining at this stage, it had begun already after all.

If he was a physical being he would be successful (= money), he only would wear Black, his hair would be slicked smoothly, his suit freshly pressed only minutes before he wakes in the morning with a fine italian wallet filled with green crisp hundred dollar bills, it would be placed in his right breast jacket pocket, his shoes are freshly polished daily and most of all, a fresh cigarette lit from his Chrome Zipo lighter, this is placed in his lips, fresh from his Chrome cigarette tin which remains in his left breast pocket, which smells of Cinnamon and the final touch, his Chrome wind up pocket watch which is secured to his Chrome belt.

This reality had come to me as suprise but more of a realisation, a mindfuck if you will, these words to myself, from my own mouth.

It was only upon confirmation later that I had spoken similar words before and broken others with them, acid tongue, hmm, how long had this been going on for without my awareness?


Sometime apparently.

I had slowly come to the realisation of what it was and how it worked, yes, a mask...

A mask to protect my face, my sanity?

I didn't have a clue then nor do I now.

Go figure, I may be rambling, this may not remain, this may be my return to a previous problem, this is what it is, a further realisation that things are never the same.

I will end this here and see if I can add or clarify this from 30cm black and white image to a LCD image at another time.

For now, an image.

Two Birds, One Stone.

There was once two sides to Lloyd.

Lloyd and Lloyd, it will make sense to all that read it, you all have that other side, right?

Lloyd was the perfect Gentleman, kind, respectful, considerate and above all, weak.

Lloyd was infact different, yet shared those traits but was then some and more.

He was conniving, malicious, callous and sadistic and so much more that I shall not devulge, rather let others know the way others have found out..

Long story short there is now Lloyd, yet I feel something that I once felt years ago, yes, another one in the works for years to come and to take to Wisemans ferry and Touge battle with.

As I have his feeling I know in my mind the facts, we're human, we're forever changing, forever growing, forever desiring, forever lusting, we adapt, we learn, we love, we're forever Human.

In saying that also this has added to my ear to ear grin, I once referred to this grin as Lloyd's grin, but it nolonger is, it is forever Lloyd's grin now.

I grin because I'm happy and ABSOLUTELY extatic to be precise.

We have triumphed, just a little bit in many ways.

The two birds is correct and the one stone, meh, metaphoric.

Bird #1 received an order of headfuck from me, her reaction was priceless from something I burried, she literally shit a bricks and this somewhat helped the new inner grow and form.

It had only occured to me what I was experienced, I thought back and had been experiencing this great feeling alot, its not an emotion like Happy OR Sad, its something much stronger and unknown.

Lloyd then stopped for a minute and enjoyed a fine lady Gudang Garam

Bird #2 is the former bitch, whilst enjoying this Gudang she looked at me and the conversation went as following:

"you smoke?"
"Yeah"
"Since when"
"hmph, a while"

She then walked away in disbelief

She must have been saying to herself "What is he doing, who is he, WHO IS LLOYD!"

She then walked back calmly towards me, as she walked closer I blew in her direction to clear any disbelief that I was SMOKING and that Lloyd was firmly home once again.

Once again, this is a small piece of growth within me, its dark, it is feeding what would have formerly fed Lloyd, I love it, I loath it and I somewhat ponder what else I will do.

And in all of this what was the major grin cause?

Realising something I wish I did earlier, I currently love life, I barely have a job, I'm still in ways lonely but there is this, I don't really want to die now, sure, seeing dad would be awesome and be able to go out for my 21st pissup, but I don't really wish death upon myself (I'm sure that feeling will come and go as time keeps going)

I don't know if its a natural high from realising these things further, if its because we are enjoying this new foundation or what, but I'm happy, I love life on a further level, I loath it on another.

I want to share this one thing with you as a goodnight.



I still have 96 problems but it kinda feels good.

You take one down,

You pass it around and now we've got 96 problems on teh wall.

I have many problems and what a dry spell its been lately to try and realise them, but how could I forget one thing?

Confidence.

Now confidence is something big in life, you have to have it everyday.

You use it to your advantage and to help others, to oversee really.

Woman love confidence (or so I'm told) so this helps being a male too

That being said, I don't have a confidence issue, confidence is not one of my problems, infact having too much confidence is probably an issue.

Sure at times I've need to grow a pair like everyone else (just sayin') but in general I don't have a confidence issue which feels fucking good.

I don't have issues with being caught having a perv, sure, its rude to stare but why not?

I don't have issues with telling my boss to go fuck herself, lol (been there, done that, got the T-shirt)

Just feels good man.

I bid you a goodnight.

Like Father, Like-

Some live by the saying "like father, like son" and become there father.

In some ways I did this without realising it.

Dad used to have a song, he shared it with me in a not so long time ago when I was learning to drive with him.

During this great time we both changed, he became 16 again and came to understand and know who his son truly was and I grew a bit more and came to know for myself who Mark Buckridge truly was.

It was only a touch of what he would awaken later (without being there)

With all pleasant bits cut out (and cutting to the chase here) he once used to sing a song at this age, it was a small repetitive song but his life was summed, it went as following:

♪ I smoke and I drink and I have sex with loose woman ♪

Now the thing about dad is that he never sung in key, well, almost.

This song he sung perfectly in a key, it was amazing, in the almost 17 years of my life at the time I had never heard dad really sing in key and this song, he did with this song but not Midnight Oil, or Meatloaf.. it was amazing and to this day when I hear his voice singing it, it puts a smile to my face and brightens my day.

And thus is how I have come to realise I am like my father in many ways, I smoke, I drink and I have sex with loose woman (if and where possible)

Its not that he was special for doing it, millions of Men do this, but I never thought I would be like him in more then 1 way.

When we would drive we would play his fave music and my fave, he developed tastes to my music and I further appreciated his music.

So to end this post with a youtube video...hmmmmm

This was kinda our song when we'd go for a drive to Palm Beach, this was Mum and Dads song once upon a time, when we would play it he said it always brought back memories of him at the age of 21-22.

/Random

So, good ol' Facebook provides some with entertainment, others with communication with Friends, Family and Foe, others with loose woman to fap over?

I frankly can't stereotype WHY I use it, I just do it. (like Nike)

Anyway, My name is Lloyd Buckridge and according to facebook my name is:

"ooooh, thats a Interesting name"

followed by

"your name's got a deep meaning and reveals an hypnotic personality!"

I honestly can't comment on if its true or not.

Just thought I'd fill this in, I have not had anything kinda show up yet on the problem or problem solved meter.

I was listening to this song while typing this up, enjoy it.

Twice in a night, Twice the win?

So, where were we? I seem to be getting lost already.

oh yeah, Recap.

I had 100 problems (A bitch) which took me to 99 and was down to 98 (ohyeahsorryIfuckingliedIsmokepotonceinawhileoshi-forgotthatbit) which was Drugs being a hard addiction.

So, 97 problems, wow, when did this one come to realisation some may ask?

I'll put the scenario to you:

I'm standing by the window, its freezing cold but I'm thoroughly enjoying a fine Gudang Garam, that now thoroughly and regularily enjoyed head spin occurts and fuck, it hits me

"Lloyd, are you fucking Crazy (I answered yes), the problem before the bitch has been cured after the bitch, YOU have FUCKING DEVELOPED SOMETHING! (something I have struggled with all my life)

YOU CAN NOW EXPRESS YOURSELF IN ONE CLEAN SWOOP!"

I am fucking ecstatic right now, I have finally cured a problem that I have always been haunted with, not being able to explain and express myself in one hit.

I may stumble and return to what once was, I may not, for now, I have 97 Problems and I feel awesome, I'm going to go enjoy another fine Indonesian Cigarette in victory.

I bid you, goodnight with Grand Puba, because, I like it.

Well here I am.

I'd like to start this post with a youtube clip.



I actually changed the clip about 4-5 times thanks to Brett's epic-ness, simple fact was I was done writing this (had another video) then he sent me this and started to baw.

Anyway, onto the pressing issue?

I have 99 problems, now I think (yes, yet to see if I have accomplished it truly or not) I have 98 now?

Now the reality is this (as most if not all reading this know)

My father committed suicide in March and it fucking hurts to this day and forever will, it was an eye opener, he beat me to that almighty punch, he fucking took his life, provided me two last lessons in life and <*start blonde*> like wow, we're more alike then I knew BEFORE he did it <*end blonde*>

I can't really re-iterate it myself in a more original way, I did however add, fact is that it crippled me, the reality, the fact:

I am Mark's smirking revenge

I am Mark's complete lack of surprise

I am Mark's cold sweat

I am Mark's rage

I am, Mark Buckridge.

And if you realised where that was from this may seem familiar: "Only after disaster can we be resurrected"

To expand further on the meaning:

"only after you lose everything, you are free to become anything"

Being a father my dad would offen ask if I take drugs (on a bi-regular occurance to be precise)

He always used to also remind me:

"Lloyd, you don't need drugs to be you, you don't need them to be happy, crazy or funny, you do that plenty as is, its in your nature, it is you."

Recently I have felt otherwise, those words lost meaning, not that I don't feel happy, crazy or funny, I just am.

But lately that thing inside me which has a name but won't be revealed has reminded me that "perhaps a hand full of skittles could make you feel better, feel more alive, to feel more."

I have realised I don't need drugs (inb4 Cigarettes or Alcohol, I don't use them as an escape) to survive, I don't need drugs to be funny, I don't need drugs to be crazy, to help how crazy I am, to be funny, to get girls, to survive THIS resurrection.

I am alive, I don't feel it at times, but I am.

I have 98 Problems and Drugs isn't one of them.

And so it all begins.

I have many problems, to now fall into the genepool of men and be unoriginal: ♪ I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one ♪

I'm slowly trying to eliminate these problems, though in saying that, I now know in saying that as I eliminate them more will come.

Let the Journey begin with some Jay Z: