Connections

So, I had one of those days today.

Just one of those days you've been putting off since July but something you'd rather have happened naturally in November.

I stripped out my car today, well, of all useful parts, as Ben and I started pulling away at the muscles and tissues out of what remains of my former love, my girlfriend, my dirty little secret, my Car, my poor little 1986 Honda Civic, I her call Gahkbe (Gahba) she was my little whore, she was dirty, VD ridden, unsafe, loved by one person and something you don't bring home to your mother....though your mother gave her to you.

I had a massive connection to this rusty, underpowered car, I love it.

Whenever I was upset the car was there for me, a simple key in her hole did the trick, it was not the girlfriend, not the family, not the jobs, the car, its sad in a way when you think of a 5 year period and the only things really in your life was your father and your car, then again maybe I am just blinded by the reality, the facts, the situation.

As I got to the end of the strip out and finished removing the passenger seat, I sat in my driver seat for one last time with the keys in that spot for one last time and all those memories came back to me, all those fights, all those speeding nights, all those 2am drives home from Palm Beach, Old Pac, Wisemans ferry, Stanmore tops, Woolongong, Canberra and the epic drive to Brisbane, A tear came to my eye as I realised something, I won't ever drive this fine piece of machinery again, so many memories reside in that frail shell that now remains, I'll drive another, just, not this one, just one like it.

Another big memory popped up just as I turned the key, my good friend Jessi and the first time I chased her through old pac, the first voyage, the beginning of what is now the end.

I then had a song come to my head, Johnny Cash, well, Joaquin Pheonix singing a Johnny Cash song.

I first heard this song not so long ago, I had it in my head after watching Walk the line, it was amazing, I adored Johnny Cash's music before but the Movie, the movie, it was simply delightful and salivating.

I had not really listened to this song for some time, last time I had the song on was when I had my mother in the car and it wasn't so delightful.

All those memories introduced by a soothing song.

The fact is that I had a connection with this car, this woman, all those memories contained in a 850kilo car (with the spare, a hydrolic jack + other shit)

To some its nothing, its a car, to others like Jessi, many others and I, its not that simple, its not a car to get you from A-B, its a partner, you go through good and bad, you talk to her when she feels down, you service her and she feels better.

When she doesn't want to idle you attempt to push those buttons, you know, to make her better, though it doesn't work you learn to brake with the left foot and control the idle with the right foot whilst throttling the handbrake aswell..

I have many connections with things and people, some may be stronger, some may not, they are all strong.

Sadly the car will be forever a memory.

I now have lost the possession of my car, I can't experience the touch, the feel, the sound of an unbalanced idle but the connection will forever remain, though my connection with the song playing in my head shall remain and has been strengthened in a more positive manner.

I don't have my car anymore, I can't drive it, I can't enjoy it, but I can always remember this exact moment in my 19 years of life with this song.



I ♥ you Gahkbe.

Masks

We all have masks, a mask is simple and perhaps you may not realise it yet.

They are people whom we look at, we develop a characteristic and tendencies from and hide behind.

We also grow from these and develop further as individuals further, as people.

Some of these are people we know, some are a character in a 2 hour film, some are drawn on paper and some are in 208 page books.

These masks allow us to be 'me', they are the key and without knowing it, it connects you the eventual 'me', the me that you become and then become aware, yes, when it is too late, when you enjoy and indulge in these qualities.

They allow wrath, indifference, hatred, lust, spite, depression, emotion, tears, racism, sexism, destruction, self-destruction, mayhem and so much more, these are things that you are not or will not allow to be within your characteristics.

I'd like to take this moment to draw emphasis from Tyler Durden and the Narrator, when he finally who Tyler really is:

"All the ways you wish you could be, that's me. I look like you wanna look, I fuck like you wanna fuck, I am smart, capable, and most importantly, I am free in all the ways that you are not."

This isn't a mask, but its the example I want to present.

I have and had many masks, being made aware of it finally, I had realised that I infact restrained it for a lengthy period of time and then on one stormy night whilst doing 160km/h while taking dad for one last drive, it hit, nothing, the calm before the final storm which hit..

I pulled over, I could smell my brakes from those sweet hairpins, I looked at my trusty girlfriend (the car), I got back in once that shade of red disappeared and looked myself in the eye with my mirror and said something, I can't utter it again, the look on my face was priceless, almost like I was looking at another person, I had just destroyed someone else, such decisive things I may have once never realised I had spoken of before, but it was the beginning, this is why I shared emphasis of Tyler Durdan and the Narrator.

This mask, it had become so clear, so profound, so breath taking, it was so much more clearer to me now, it was like going from a 30cm black and white tv to moving up to a 120cm LCD tv with a surround sound system, it was amazing, Homer Simpson would salivate a river in the clarity difference.

Though I won't utter the words, I can describe him further, He is Dark, Handsome, Amazing with woman, Mentally strong and physically stronger, there was alot more to him, just not much remaining at this stage, it had begun already after all.

If he was a physical being he would be successful (= money), he only would wear Black, his hair would be slicked smoothly, his suit freshly pressed only minutes before he wakes in the morning with a fine italian wallet filled with green crisp hundred dollar bills, it would be placed in his right breast jacket pocket, his shoes are freshly polished daily and most of all, a fresh cigarette lit from his Chrome Zipo lighter, this is placed in his lips, fresh from his Chrome cigarette tin which remains in his left breast pocket, which smells of Cinnamon and the final touch, his Chrome wind up pocket watch which is secured to his Chrome belt.

This reality had come to me as suprise but more of a realisation, a mindfuck if you will, these words to myself, from my own mouth.

It was only upon confirmation later that I had spoken similar words before and broken others with them, acid tongue, hmm, how long had this been going on for without my awareness?


Sometime apparently.

I had slowly come to the realisation of what it was and how it worked, yes, a mask...

A mask to protect my face, my sanity?

I didn't have a clue then nor do I now.

Go figure, I may be rambling, this may not remain, this may be my return to a previous problem, this is what it is, a further realisation that things are never the same.

I will end this here and see if I can add or clarify this from 30cm black and white image to a LCD image at another time.

For now, an image.

Two Birds, One Stone.

There was once two sides to Lloyd.

Lloyd and Lloyd, it will make sense to all that read it, you all have that other side, right?

Lloyd was the perfect Gentleman, kind, respectful, considerate and above all, weak.

Lloyd was infact different, yet shared those traits but was then some and more.

He was conniving, malicious, callous and sadistic and so much more that I shall not devulge, rather let others know the way others have found out..

Long story short there is now Lloyd, yet I feel something that I once felt years ago, yes, another one in the works for years to come and to take to Wisemans ferry and Touge battle with.

As I have his feeling I know in my mind the facts, we're human, we're forever changing, forever growing, forever desiring, forever lusting, we adapt, we learn, we love, we're forever Human.

In saying that also this has added to my ear to ear grin, I once referred to this grin as Lloyd's grin, but it nolonger is, it is forever Lloyd's grin now.

I grin because I'm happy and ABSOLUTELY extatic to be precise.

We have triumphed, just a little bit in many ways.

The two birds is correct and the one stone, meh, metaphoric.

Bird #1 received an order of headfuck from me, her reaction was priceless from something I burried, she literally shit a bricks and this somewhat helped the new inner grow and form.

It had only occured to me what I was experienced, I thought back and had been experiencing this great feeling alot, its not an emotion like Happy OR Sad, its something much stronger and unknown.

Lloyd then stopped for a minute and enjoyed a fine lady Gudang Garam

Bird #2 is the former bitch, whilst enjoying this Gudang she looked at me and the conversation went as following:

"you smoke?"
"Yeah"
"Since when"
"hmph, a while"

She then walked away in disbelief

She must have been saying to herself "What is he doing, who is he, WHO IS LLOYD!"

She then walked back calmly towards me, as she walked closer I blew in her direction to clear any disbelief that I was SMOKING and that Lloyd was firmly home once again.

Once again, this is a small piece of growth within me, its dark, it is feeding what would have formerly fed Lloyd, I love it, I loath it and I somewhat ponder what else I will do.

And in all of this what was the major grin cause?

Realising something I wish I did earlier, I currently love life, I barely have a job, I'm still in ways lonely but there is this, I don't really want to die now, sure, seeing dad would be awesome and be able to go out for my 21st pissup, but I don't really wish death upon myself (I'm sure that feeling will come and go as time keeps going)

I don't know if its a natural high from realising these things further, if its because we are enjoying this new foundation or what, but I'm happy, I love life on a further level, I loath it on another.

I want to share this one thing with you as a goodnight.



I still have 96 problems but it kinda feels good.

You take one down,

You pass it around and now we've got 96 problems on teh wall.

I have many problems and what a dry spell its been lately to try and realise them, but how could I forget one thing?

Confidence.

Now confidence is something big in life, you have to have it everyday.

You use it to your advantage and to help others, to oversee really.

Woman love confidence (or so I'm told) so this helps being a male too

That being said, I don't have a confidence issue, confidence is not one of my problems, infact having too much confidence is probably an issue.

Sure at times I've need to grow a pair like everyone else (just sayin') but in general I don't have a confidence issue which feels fucking good.

I don't have issues with being caught having a perv, sure, its rude to stare but why not?

I don't have issues with telling my boss to go fuck herself, lol (been there, done that, got the T-shirt)

Just feels good man.

I bid you a goodnight.

Like Father, Like-

Some live by the saying "like father, like son" and become there father.

In some ways I did this without realising it.

Dad used to have a song, he shared it with me in a not so long time ago when I was learning to drive with him.

During this great time we both changed, he became 16 again and came to understand and know who his son truly was and I grew a bit more and came to know for myself who Mark Buckridge truly was.

It was only a touch of what he would awaken later (without being there)

With all pleasant bits cut out (and cutting to the chase here) he once used to sing a song at this age, it was a small repetitive song but his life was summed, it went as following:

♪ I smoke and I drink and I have sex with loose woman ♪

Now the thing about dad is that he never sung in key, well, almost.

This song he sung perfectly in a key, it was amazing, in the almost 17 years of my life at the time I had never heard dad really sing in key and this song, he did with this song but not Midnight Oil, or Meatloaf.. it was amazing and to this day when I hear his voice singing it, it puts a smile to my face and brightens my day.

And thus is how I have come to realise I am like my father in many ways, I smoke, I drink and I have sex with loose woman (if and where possible)

Its not that he was special for doing it, millions of Men do this, but I never thought I would be like him in more then 1 way.

When we would drive we would play his fave music and my fave, he developed tastes to my music and I further appreciated his music.

So to end this post with a youtube video...hmmmmm

This was kinda our song when we'd go for a drive to Palm Beach, this was Mum and Dads song once upon a time, when we would play it he said it always brought back memories of him at the age of 21-22.

/Random

So, good ol' Facebook provides some with entertainment, others with communication with Friends, Family and Foe, others with loose woman to fap over?

I frankly can't stereotype WHY I use it, I just do it. (like Nike)

Anyway, My name is Lloyd Buckridge and according to facebook my name is:

"ooooh, thats a Interesting name"

followed by

"your name's got a deep meaning and reveals an hypnotic personality!"

I honestly can't comment on if its true or not.

Just thought I'd fill this in, I have not had anything kinda show up yet on the problem or problem solved meter.

I was listening to this song while typing this up, enjoy it.

Twice in a night, Twice the win?

So, where were we? I seem to be getting lost already.

oh yeah, Recap.

I had 100 problems (A bitch) which took me to 99 and was down to 98 (ohyeahsorryIfuckingliedIsmokepotonceinawhileoshi-forgotthatbit) which was Drugs being a hard addiction.

So, 97 problems, wow, when did this one come to realisation some may ask?

I'll put the scenario to you:

I'm standing by the window, its freezing cold but I'm thoroughly enjoying a fine Gudang Garam, that now thoroughly and regularily enjoyed head spin occurts and fuck, it hits me

"Lloyd, are you fucking Crazy (I answered yes), the problem before the bitch has been cured after the bitch, YOU have FUCKING DEVELOPED SOMETHING! (something I have struggled with all my life)

YOU CAN NOW EXPRESS YOURSELF IN ONE CLEAN SWOOP!"

I am fucking ecstatic right now, I have finally cured a problem that I have always been haunted with, not being able to explain and express myself in one hit.

I may stumble and return to what once was, I may not, for now, I have 97 Problems and I feel awesome, I'm going to go enjoy another fine Indonesian Cigarette in victory.

I bid you, goodnight with Grand Puba, because, I like it.

Well here I am.

I'd like to start this post with a youtube clip.



I actually changed the clip about 4-5 times thanks to Brett's epic-ness, simple fact was I was done writing this (had another video) then he sent me this and started to baw.

Anyway, onto the pressing issue?

I have 99 problems, now I think (yes, yet to see if I have accomplished it truly or not) I have 98 now?

Now the reality is this (as most if not all reading this know)

My father committed suicide in March and it fucking hurts to this day and forever will, it was an eye opener, he beat me to that almighty punch, he fucking took his life, provided me two last lessons in life and <*start blonde*> like wow, we're more alike then I knew BEFORE he did it <*end blonde*>

I can't really re-iterate it myself in a more original way, I did however add, fact is that it crippled me, the reality, the fact:

I am Mark's smirking revenge

I am Mark's complete lack of surprise

I am Mark's cold sweat

I am Mark's rage

I am, Mark Buckridge.

And if you realised where that was from this may seem familiar: "Only after disaster can we be resurrected"

To expand further on the meaning:

"only after you lose everything, you are free to become anything"

Being a father my dad would offen ask if I take drugs (on a bi-regular occurance to be precise)

He always used to also remind me:

"Lloyd, you don't need drugs to be you, you don't need them to be happy, crazy or funny, you do that plenty as is, its in your nature, it is you."

Recently I have felt otherwise, those words lost meaning, not that I don't feel happy, crazy or funny, I just am.

But lately that thing inside me which has a name but won't be revealed has reminded me that "perhaps a hand full of skittles could make you feel better, feel more alive, to feel more."

I have realised I don't need drugs (inb4 Cigarettes or Alcohol, I don't use them as an escape) to survive, I don't need drugs to be funny, I don't need drugs to be crazy, to help how crazy I am, to be funny, to get girls, to survive THIS resurrection.

I am alive, I don't feel it at times, but I am.

I have 98 Problems and Drugs isn't one of them.

And so it all begins.

I have many problems, to now fall into the genepool of men and be unoriginal: ♪ I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one ♪

I'm slowly trying to eliminate these problems, though in saying that, I now know in saying that as I eliminate them more will come.

Let the Journey begin with some Jay Z: