Well here I am.

I'd like to start this post with a youtube clip.



I actually changed the clip about 4-5 times thanks to Brett's epic-ness, simple fact was I was done writing this (had another video) then he sent me this and started to baw.

Anyway, onto the pressing issue?

I have 99 problems, now I think (yes, yet to see if I have accomplished it truly or not) I have 98 now?

Now the reality is this (as most if not all reading this know)

My father committed suicide in March and it fucking hurts to this day and forever will, it was an eye opener, he beat me to that almighty punch, he fucking took his life, provided me two last lessons in life and <*start blonde*> like wow, we're more alike then I knew BEFORE he did it <*end blonde*>

I can't really re-iterate it myself in a more original way, I did however add, fact is that it crippled me, the reality, the fact:

I am Mark's smirking revenge

I am Mark's complete lack of surprise

I am Mark's cold sweat

I am Mark's rage

I am, Mark Buckridge.

And if you realised where that was from this may seem familiar: "Only after disaster can we be resurrected"

To expand further on the meaning:

"only after you lose everything, you are free to become anything"

Being a father my dad would offen ask if I take drugs (on a bi-regular occurance to be precise)

He always used to also remind me:

"Lloyd, you don't need drugs to be you, you don't need them to be happy, crazy or funny, you do that plenty as is, its in your nature, it is you."

Recently I have felt otherwise, those words lost meaning, not that I don't feel happy, crazy or funny, I just am.

But lately that thing inside me which has a name but won't be revealed has reminded me that "perhaps a hand full of skittles could make you feel better, feel more alive, to feel more."

I have realised I don't need drugs (inb4 Cigarettes or Alcohol, I don't use them as an escape) to survive, I don't need drugs to be funny, I don't need drugs to be crazy, to help how crazy I am, to be funny, to get girls, to survive THIS resurrection.

I am alive, I don't feel it at times, but I am.

I have 98 Problems and Drugs isn't one of them.