Something to remember.

I just had a pretty awesome weekend, Rhiannon and Nathan came over from Victoria to chill and get away for the weekend.

Nathan and I have known and spammed with each other for some time, I think since July-ish and we have grown closer as mates from there, via the paddlin' of a spammin' and just being there.

I met Rhiannon through Nathan one day when he was on the phone at Uni and on MSN, Rhiannon was so kind to say Hi to me and let me know he was on the phone, but we started a conversation and I told her to add me on Facebook :P

Slowly Rhiannon and I have progressively gotten closer and closer.

When we first started talking I wouldn't have honestly thought that we would grow together and so close over time, its a little bit of a mind fuck thinking about it really.

Rhiannon and I have talked about everything with honestly and trust, we have been there for our own ups and downs, whenever she is down I am usually up and able to help her up, whenever I have been down she usually has been up and been there to help me up.

See-Saw relationships are good, I have noticed that I do have alot around me which is a good feeling.

When I first met Rhiannon she would inform me she is, If I recall properly she would specify further with "All my friends say I am awesome, I have to agree"

She also used to say "I'm special in the eating paste way"

of course I would dismiss and correct the eating paste.

Calling her awesome and special is true but a harsh understatement.

Over the time that Rhiannon and I have spoken something has grown inside of me?

Rhiannon is simply an amazing woman as per previous blog post, I really wish I could just sit down and write down everything about her, all the positives and whatever negatives I can find about her.

I wish I could concrete a smile on her whilst demolishing her doubts, fearing and loathing she may have about herself, I know she has them and though changing it completely would make her un-human, it may be worth it to see that smile for good.

Fact is whilst in Brisbane I thought about her alot amoung other things, I had an amazing moment on the First Saturday I was in Brisbane, this feeling is amazing once I realise what it is, I had realised I am in love and that I do love this woman though we had never met.

The thing that is more amazing is this, she understands who I am, she loves who I am? and most important, she accepts me for who I am, not my money (or lack there of), not my looks (or lack there of), not the music I like or the clothes I wear (or lack there of).

Just all of it in one, me.

Now in writing this, I know to some it will seem crazy or silly, to others they will understand how I feel.

I know that a matter months ago if I had have seen something similar written in a mates blog and under similar cicumstance, I would have laughed out loud, not necessarily because they have followed the heart, but because I 'knew' love was fake and can be faked.

Though I know I am extremely loved all those around me, Rhiannon has taught me something, that I can love and that I can be loved.

I've got 92 problems and not being able to love isn't one of them.

Two Spoons, the little and big one.

As I lay in bed, laying and holding this wonder of a woman of whom I still ask myself, infact,
I did aloud:
"What did I do to get this woman?"

yet I continue to answer it with:
"I don't care, I'm glad I did whatever I did, I'd do it again and again"

I simple tear dropped from my green eyes whilst dwelling on a simple thought, a simple reality, a simple formality, a simple fact.

I loathed the fact I did this, yet loved it with what remains of my heart.

As she layed there I played with her soft hair with one hand and held her at the waist whilst she slept in the other and slowly kissed her back, her beauty is amazing and I sighed softly.

I physically cannot find fitting words for this woman, in-order to describe her I would have to have NASA find an unknown planet that would speak in code, then I would have to have it translated to German, from German it would be translated to French, from French to Spanish, from Spanish it would be translated to Japanese, from Japanese it would be translated to English, even then the words aren't fitting.

She looks amazing in my Vintage 1980's Raybans, She enjoys the sweet taste of Cinamon from Gudangs, She makes the little things like holding hands feel good, She makes the big things even better and bigger, there are not words that fit in-order to describe her appropriately, I wouldn't want to attempt it and insult her, not that it'd be an insult to her, but it'd never be complete, It'd keep getting added on and on and on.

I know that no doubt she will not read this until she gets home on Monday, if she does beforehand then it may be for the better, it may not, only the almighty Touge gods know, if she reads this I want her to come up to me, kiss me on the lips, look me in the eyes and say "Shizam"

Simple fact is that this woman has allowed me to do something that I didn't believe I would do anytime soon, or again?

I once truly doubted a feeling I once had for another, what I felt previously may have been real, it may not have been, even if that wasn't real, the feeling that I had previously that could have been plutonic is now a reality, all those possible plutonic feelings are nolonger plutonic, they are real thing that I feel with this woman.

Without realising it this woman has also been a shoulder to talk and cry on, hug and kiss, it feels good, its amazing, its beyond me how I managed to get this woman.

She has also made me realise that I have one problem down.

I got 99 problems bu-

I will make a seperate blog post specifying the problem solved later, she deserves her own post again without a doubt.

Newd

Alright, whilst in Surfers Paradise on an awesome Friday I won't ever forget I did a nudey run.

Now no one was awake to see the Nudey run sadly so I did it solo.

I got down stairs and could feel the wind against my balls and everything, it felt awesome.

Last night I was sitting on my Veranda and a nice breeze came, I already had my pants off because I was taking care of a certain sore that I wasn't pleased to see (fuck me dead, gotta shower like 20 times a fucking day FFS) and I decided "fuck it, I'm gonna get naked"

So I did, felt awesome, felt good man.

So, what did I learn?

Getting naked is good for you, I think I'll make a ritual out of it and do it once a week.

Would post the nudie run video right now, but youtube doesn't fucking like me..

Being oblivious.

On Monday night I had a bit of a perception realisation (if you will)

I was sitting in the back of Adams mums car, it was pissing down with rain and smiling.

Lisa looked at me and asked "What the fuck are you smiling at?"

Before I could really respond Adam responded with "Lloyd is always smiling, its usually when he isn't smiling that you should be worried"

So it kinda clicked, I'm always smiling? I was oblivious to this fact.

I asked around and consensus agreed, that and I am always smiling.

I don't know why I always do, but I do?

I never did realised it back then but my Father used to ask what was wrong when I wasn't smiling, I didn't think about that until today when it clicked further.

I'd usually respond with a "its nothing" and he would leave it at that but he knew that something was up when I wasn't smiling, something, he didn't know, but he knew something was up, I never did tell him my troubles at the time, sadly I cannot now but the fact was when I did talk about them previously they fell on deaf ears *sigh*

At times I ponder how it might be different now, but then I know it probably wouldn't have been.

I guess this isn't a problem, smiling and being see through isn't a problem for me, well, not anymore now that I know it and live it, sure speaking it isn't a problem anymore either.

wow, 93 problems, its feels like its been so long.

So, I have 93 problems and smiling isn't one of them, neither is being see through, should I make it 92 now?

No, its all in one basket when it comes down to the boil.

I don't know how to end this post, I don't know if I should use a song or an image, I think I will leave that bit empty this time.

Just a small one.

So I haven't posted in a while, I've been away.

Had my Birthday last Monday (20, fux yes, shall blog on that later) and went to Brisbane for an awesome time (shall do a big post for this later)

But for now, just something small to a special lady.

She knows who she is and I just wanted to post for her.

Radiohead caused this post.

So I've been crying for the past 30 minutes, I accidently the whole Radiohead, the whole thing.

I'm not afraid to cry or let my emotions out, I cry at the smallest and largest things these days since being broken and then me stomping on the shards of a broken man as though I was deep in a mosh pit at a Marilyn Manson concert.

Mark Buckridge taught me as a child that crying was ok when necessary, he didn't do the whole "Be a man" thing, he understood I was in touch with my feminine side, whenever he would see me cry he would comfort me, I grew to stop the tears from flowing as I loathed it, his final choice in life broke my tap and they pour out whenever they please once again.

So, how did I come to conclude I'm not afraid to cry?

I pushed myself today mentally, I have been doing it alot and I have so many albums I had choosen not to listen to but today was the last Album.

It was Radiohead's - Pablo Honey, I have slowly been pushing myself more and more to listen to this fantastic music, this music that my father and myself enjoyed, it also reminds myself of the good, the bad times and smile, cry and weep.

Today was the breaking point for tears, It felt good and I willingly let it out.

The song that did it to me?

Creep, I used to love this song long before Dad and I connecting together with this band, infact the Album for this song, I connected because I am this song: (edited)

♪ But I'm a creep,
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here

I don't care if it hurts,
I wanna have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul ♪

We first connected together on a drive while on my L's when it was "Lloyds music time"

I chucked this on and we started enjoying the drive more.

To conclude, I have 94 problems and being afraid to cry or allow my emotions to pour isn't one of them.

I feel awesome, thank you Ark for reminding me of the blog in perfect timing.


Now to further share the song:

Well I don't know why I came here tonight?

Ok, So I have realised I am down a problem, its kinda motivated me slowly.

So, we're down to 94 Problems.

I'm not really afraid of being lonely, infact I love it, sure a woman for physical conversation is fun and having someone to cuddle up to is awesome, but to be frank I don't feel I need a relationship to have that, well, not a full on one, I have a feeling Oasis is teaching me things that I shouldn't learn?

Maybe, but I'm twenty in a matter of hours, who gives a shit?

Fact of the matter is this I'm talking about as a life without a wife, I can live life knowing I have a child out there and spread my seed, after all I do want children, right?

Adding further the fact is this, why the fuck am I thinking of this as a problem? being alone and 20 on a Friday night, I'm too young to even fucking think about that shit, though being unmarried? hmmm, I could do it, just knock a woman up and spread my seed?

What I refer to is this, being alone on Friday night, bored, sitting on the Veranda, smoking a cigarette and webcamming with a girl whom barely knows me.


Yes I'm ronrey, yes I love it, I'm not horny atleast.

I have 94 problems, feeling lonely in the typical senses isn't one.

Now for my readers, a song, love it with me:

Blog,Blog,Blog,Blog,Blog,Blog,Blog-

Now before I start writing this blog I want you to put you in the same relaxed and chilled frame of mind I am currently in.

Its 12:05am (honestly, an excellent time to blog), the breeze feels good against my balls (yes, I'm free-balling in my pants), I'm having epic Cigarette cravings, the veranda is pleasant, my skin is saying "hey, HEY, HEY Lloyd, Lloyd, LLOYDLLOYDLLOYD, yeah, you see me?, yeah? fuck you!" and I'm listening to this song, enjoy it with me:



So, alot has been on my mind today, and a girl whom I know reads the blog.

She is firstly (to sum it up) amazing, she is very special, she is a one of a kind in her own way, she articulates herself in an appropriate manner and leaves gaps for a better result when necessary, she is clever, she is quick witted, she knows what she is doing and how to tease and please, she makes me salivate and provides me with Butterflies, she does things to me that I never thought would happen from such simple conversation and observations, its amazing, its almost a headfuck, I also promised this same girl I would post in this blog a few nights ago, that was Friday, I think (whoops), Sorry guys and girls.

Anyway,

This also brought a multiple of things to me, they will come in other blog posts, oh and not forgetting the blog also came into my mind today, sadly I have abandoned it lately as I have found it harder to find things that aren't my problem anymore, that and my slowly snow balling social life and my upcoming Birthday (yes, 20, amazing, I feel 30, I want to feel 20, not 30, not like I have experienced it all and am ready for kids.) I have found a few things but sadly I soon forget them, maybe they are not resolved enough? (f-UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-)

I have been very distracted and though I know I'm not reaching my goals of completing and defeating all my problems I have come to grow as a person and realise my demons, my ego's and who I am as a person and a being.

*had to move back inside here at this point, battery was very low*

In doing this and slowly writing this all down I have actually come to realise that I have found one problem of mine and overcome it.

I now have 95 problems and crushing someone isn't one of them nor is the fear of doing it.

I know its not something really to be proud of, but I am a hard person when its needed, its needed a fair bit in this day and age, or atleast I have become a hard person.

Onto Crushing; Crushing someone isn't a nice feeling for most, for me it actually fed me further, it provoked growth, change, who I am now today.

I openly spoke to my mother about what I had done previously in the not so distant past and recent past, how it made me feel, she was horrified yet somewhat numb, she referred to it as "feeding your ego", maybe these other Lloyds are ego's, not more of a realistic thing?

Maybe mum didn't purposely leave the word Alter out?

Onto the definition of "ego"

• an inflated feeling of pride in your superiority to others
• self: your consciousness of your own identity
• (psychoanalysis) the conscious mind

Onto the definition of "alter ego"

• a second self
• a very close and intimate friend
• a very close and trusted friend who seems almost a part of yourself

Anyway, Crushing; now of course what you're doing is telling a person something that will devistate them, destroy in some cases, of course it will hurt them, will make them cry, will shatter them, will enrage them...

It will make you smile, take a load of your shoulders, make music feel good, food taste better, wine sit better, it will change you.

This is something you don't want to do at any cost though, its not in your character, your gene's, you, but is it in you?

But doing this is necessary, not for them, for you, its your one selfish thing to do, so make it last.

Recently I have used my drink tickets at the crushing bar and I liked it.

I broke up with the bitch, I semi-devistated another girl, not for a laugh but because I simply could not allow myself to start or continue a sham, get me?

How did these things make me feel, despite the externals of me yelling "YOOOOOOUUUUUUU FUCK" then the Internal laughs, it starts with a "hmhmhmhmhmhmm..."

I'm not saying that I enjoyed this, yet I am, I'm not just saying I enjoy it, perhaps I love it?

What I'm trying to say is this, I'm not afraid to hurt others anymore, I had 96 problems but I feel this is more then worth becoming the one for 95, funnily enough this is the problem solved before I solved the problem of the bitch?

Amazing when I think about it, I solved this problem just before I dumped the bitch, hmhmhmhmhmhmhmmmm..

oh btw, if you're reading this with the song on and its over, listen to this and enjoy.







Feels good man~