Its 12:05am (honestly, an excellent time to blog), the breeze feels good against my balls (yes, I'm free-balling in my pants), I'm having epic Cigarette cravings, the veranda is pleasant, my skin is saying "hey, HEY, HEY Lloyd, Lloyd, LLOYDLLOYDLLOYD, yeah, you see me?, yeah? fuck you!" and I'm listening to this song, enjoy it with me:
So, alot has been on my mind today, and a girl whom I know reads the blog.
She is firstly (to sum it up) amazing, she is very special, she is a one of a kind in her own way, she articulates herself in an appropriate manner and leaves gaps for a better result when necessary, she is clever, she is quick witted, she knows what she is doing and how to tease and please, she makes me salivate and provides me with Butterflies, she does things to me that I never thought would happen from such simple conversation and observations, its amazing, its almost a headfuck, I also promised this same girl I would post in this blog a few nights ago, that was Friday, I think (whoops), Sorry guys and girls.
Anyway,
This also brought a multiple of things to me, they will come in other blog posts, oh and not forgetting the blog also came into my mind today, sadly I have abandoned it lately as I have found it harder to find things that aren't my problem anymore, that and my slowly snow balling social life and my upcoming Birthday (yes, 20, amazing, I feel 30, I want to feel 20, not 30, not like I have experienced it all and am ready for kids.) I have found a few things but sadly I soon forget them, maybe they are not resolved enough? (f-UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-)
I have been very distracted and though I know I'm not reaching my goals of completing and defeating all my problems I have come to grow as a person and realise my demons, my ego's and who I am as a person and a being.
*had to move back inside here at this point, battery was very low*
In doing this and slowly writing this all down I have actually come to realise that I have found one problem of mine and overcome it.
I now have 95 problems and crushing someone isn't one of them nor is the fear of doing it.
I know its not something really to be proud of, but I am a hard person when its needed, its needed a fair bit in this day and age, or atleast I have become a hard person.
Onto Crushing; Crushing someone isn't a nice feeling for most, for me it actually fed me further, it provoked growth, change, who I am now today.
I openly spoke to my mother about what I had done previously in the not so distant past and recent past, how it made me feel, she was horrified yet somewhat numb, she referred to it as "feeding your ego", maybe these other Lloyds are ego's, not more of a realistic thing?
Maybe mum didn't purposely leave the word Alter out?
Onto the definition of "ego"
- an inflated feeling of pride in your superiority to others
- self: your consciousness of your own identity
- (psychoanalysis) the conscious mind
- a second self
- a very close and intimate friend
- a very close and trusted friend who seems almost a part of yourself
It will make you smile, take a load of your shoulders, make music feel good, food taste better, wine sit better, it will change you.
This is something you don't want to do at any cost though, its not in your character, your gene's, you, but is it in you?
But doing this is necessary, not for them, for you, its your one selfish thing to do, so make it last.
Recently I have used my drink tickets at the crushing bar and I liked it.
I broke up with the bitch, I semi-devistated another girl, not for a laugh but because I simply could not allow myself to start or continue a sham, get me?
How did these things make me feel, despite the externals of me yelling "YOOOOOOUUUUUUU FUCK" then the Internal laughs, it starts with a "hmhmhmhmhmhmm..."
I'm not saying that I enjoyed this, yet I am, I'm not just saying I enjoy it, perhaps I love it?
What I'm trying to say is this, I'm not afraid to hurt others anymore, I had 96 problems but I feel this is more then worth becoming the one for 95, funnily enough this is the problem solved before I solved the problem of the bitch?
Amazing when I think about it, I solved this problem just before I dumped the bitch, hmhmhmhmhmhmhmmmm..
oh btw, if you're reading this with the song on and its over, listen to this and enjoy.
Feels good man~
No comments:
Post a Comment