Today hasn't ended for me yet, been up 30ish hours now.
Got home at 5:30, sent an email to a very special girl I hold dear and got on msn, facebook, Ozhonda, the usual places.
Long behold a good mate of mine was up at this crazy hour and wanted to come over for a smoke, this is a win thing.
We were talking about a few things, death being one.
I basically relived the events of March 9th and March 12th.
Well, the Events that started on March the 9th and I found out on the 12th.
To be precise, the Suicide of my father and how I found out.
It all started with me talking about this special Girl I emailed not long before and little Green beads I once wore and had given to her, which look beautiful on her.
On March the 9th my Father, Mark Buckridge committed suicide, I found out on the 12th.
Reliving this moment was amazing, I cried and It hurt so much more then when I found out, but felt good to talk about it.
Lets face it, I've had a long and hard life.
Its been a good life by standards, but long and hard, I feel 30 in some aspects for a reason after all.
Anyway, my dearest Friend appologised, though it wasn't necessary, I explained that it felt good to have a cry, a smoke and talk about Dads final decision in life, reliving 10:30 on that faithful Thursday night, This evening was after the best day of work I have ever had.
Not long after we went to Maccas for some Breakfast, the Champion paid for mine, god I owe him so much.
To cut a long story short, we were having a smoke and my mate gave his mum a call back after we were done eating.
It was terrible news, a cut, a rip, a stab, I could feel it in me, it was slowly appearing, my heart was breaking just by simply watching him on the phone, I knew that look, I've seen it in others before, just not on my face despite the tragedy of March.
He got off the phone and informed me that his Uncle had just passed away, he had a good fight but sadly it was time, he knew it and was ready.
I knew that feeling all to well with previous close losses, you've just got off the phone from another loved one and have been informed someone you love, you hold dear, you don't want to see go.
Sadly they are gone, they have passed on, they are smiling in heaven if you will, the weather almost reflected this perfectly for my mate.
It was a dark cloud and shitty looking day, after he found out the sun came out from hiding in the dark clouds.
I've never seen my mate drag a Gudang like a regular smoke, he did so today.
If I recall properly I said "Today kinda reflects well, look, dark clouds over there and now the Sun has come to greet us" he agreed.
We sat in silence for a few moments, after that all I could do was come over to him and hug him, hold him tight and be there for him at that very moment.
I knew what he was going through, I knew there was nothing I could say or do really, just be there and let him know if he needs support, he has it, if he needs to get away for a week or weekend, I know where he can go.
In a way I am glad I was there with him, in another I am not.
Not for my own selfish purpose, but some people prefer this news to be broken on there own, in silence.
I personally would have rathered been told about Dad on my own, so I could have attempted to scream until my lungs collapsed, rather then watch my Mother, Sister and at time Girlfriend cry and ask those stupid questions of "Are you ok?"
To this day I sadly know from experience that no matter how loud I yell, NO MATTER HOW LOUD, It won't ever be enough, I won't ever feel satisfied.
Adam needed a few moments to himself which was fair enough, he went for a smoke, once he came back and we talked about it a little we got up to go visit our friend, Fresh pack of cigarettes.
We cleaned up our tray and I looked at him, opened up my arms and instructed to "Come here man", I gave him a hug, I squeezed him, it may or may not have been what he felt he needed, but he got it, he got numerous amounts of them from me, I know from experience you just want a hug, not a word, just a hug.
This was fucking hard for him, it hit him hard, I guess the news being broken to him with a mate who has been through it made it a little better and a little worse, bitter sweet if you will, the fact is that this hit him harder then Dads suicide hit me.
That raised a question in my head, how and why did I cope so well?
Am I that strong headed?
How did I live through it?
How did I manage to get up Friday morning, tell my boss, tell all of my co-workers all bluntly and do a day of work without a single tear shed at that stage HOW?
I won't ever know why, I have yelled these questions until my throat burns and my eyes are red and sore from Crying, the backs of my hands, my shirt and palms are covered in salt from wiping my tears and I have headache from all of my yelling at Wisemans ferry, where I once plotted my suicide and where Dad and I went for our last drive together, well, his Ashes
I guess being beaten to that punch was one of the things that held me together, being composed that night and calmly spamming "My father has committed suicide, I feel like shit, I think I'm going to be away for a while"
The fact I did this shows two things, I won't air them.
If you know me, you've heard me say both of these things to your face.
Starts with a big L, not for Lloyd either.
The second starts with a Capital C
Knowing that if time ran out on my side I would have had similar, if not bigger reactions, the feeling was scary, It was only 10 days until I committed an hero and took my car with me.
Thinking about it, I'm glad I didn't.
Seeing Dads funeral, being there, smelling the flowers, hearing the tears hit the floor, hearing such a beautiful reception, knowing that all of these people whom majoritally I never met were there to mourn him, it made me realise something.
Me being me, I still cracked the usual jokes and got a smile.
I won't change.
The same mentioned girl once emailed me "Never change"
Strong words to me.
We got back to my place and I knew he had alot to do, we exchanged more hugs and the offer was left on the table.
He headed off to do what he had to do but before he did I reminded him of something:
"You're going to get alot of "I'm sorry's" and the usual, it may enrage you, it may make you break down and cry, just let it all out, you don't need to be brave, just let it all out man"
After that I grabbed another hug and we started to cry, I then said "I guess we're 12 again, its ok to cry once again"
He laughed as I did, I then added "Its always ok to cry man" as I rubbed another tear out f my eye.
He got in the car and I asked if Dad smokes, he said he quit.
I left my dearest friend with 2 Gudangs, he only wanted one but I said "You're going to have one and then feel something and have the other one, just take them man"
I know he has a long and hard road to go, I feel for him from both ends of the spectrum, its not going to be easy, its going to be hard but he has great friends surrounding him including myself.
Whatever he needs he will get.
I got home and cried some more, not only because for my mate, but because he is now experiencing what I have time and time before, it never gets easier, it never gets harder it just is.
I met this guy buying floor matts for my car, 20 dollars and a slurpee on a freezing night, great deal if you ask me.
We're like brothers now and it hurts me to know what he will go through.
