Be sure to play it at a comfortable level.
We all have faces.
Even if yours has been burnt off, there is something remaining.
Once upon a time my face was always blank constantly.
I use the term once upon a time because it was that long ago.
As I grew a little older and had shit to smile at, it became this:
I was probably Seven-Eight, life was picking up, we always had a bounty or choice of food, electricity and all of the essentials.
Bare in mind we always had food in our mouth, power and a roof over our heads.
Mum seemed happy with her partner, well, soon to be Husband.
Looking at it now, it was a good time at the time, now it wasn't.
Not long after shit kept happening around me I snapped.
My Face became this:
Ten years of age, the Father and stepmother now have 2 children, I'm nolonger of interest or apple in his eye.
My Mother was busy with other shit, other people, everything.
Little did my young mind know is that she won't be around at all for when I need her and "You'll be raising yourself Lloyd, enjoy it"
Time passed again, 15 and enjoying Tobacco occasionally.
A stage at my life I'd like to relive and forget.
Moving out of home, having a girlfriend whom I'd regret eventually, Getting my First real girlfriend who was born in 1986 and ran on 13" wheels.
Need I go on?
It was a beautiful time, It was a horror time.
I wish I had have known my Grandmother was going to die soon, I really do.
Fast forward more Horror and beauty and what do we have here?
18, Ray-bans for my 18th Birthday gift.
Fact is that Mum had no Money.
These Glasses were purchased in 1980 and stashed until my 18th.
She wore them twice, Tried them on my father once (she knew she was Pregnant with me at that stage)
It meant more to me then anything in the world at this time.
Mum and I are still arguing and not seeing eye to eye, we never will.
I've realised for the past 2-3 years I've been over my relationship and the off again on again shit.
I loath my Father, I loath him for many reasons. I loath the hate he has sprouted in me, I loath the fact I am his son, I don't want to be like him at all, I try so hard not to be.
I hate him so much I would wish he would die, something I won't ever take back.
Now, lets once again Fast forward, 2 more years precisely..
I wish my Father was still around.
2009 is a shithole of a year, it was meant to be the best year of my life, it is the epitome of the words "Fuck" "My" and "Life"
Bottling pure rage and hatred for almost 20 years was hard, losing my Father was harder and a lesson.
The Lesson was to unleash.
I have always been an honest person, upfront and honest.
In saying that I am full of shit.
I have never truly unleashed, not a case of calmly telling someone to get fucked and my thoughts, just unleashing, throwing the bottle at the brick wall and enjoying the destruction if you will.
Unleashing it all was scary, it was a bottle of Vodka, full bar one quick scull.
I won't take back the hate Dad, the wish of the demise of my Father nor my Hate of him, he let me alone to unleashing of more once he passed.
I'm sure looking at this, he didn't see it coming as most don't, but he is loving watching his sons.
The hatred that was unleashed once he had committed suicide was scary, the fact I was able to contain it for so long in some form was more scary, you have a moment where you finally snap again, you're alone as requested, you've fapped to keep your mind off shit.
You're in a dark room listening to a CD that reminds you of your father, crying, crying in your hands, you then look at them and feel Anger and Rage and want to break something.
The more scary part was feeling this destructive urge, what scared me more was containing that without going through what I had planned, Wisemans Ferry at Midnight and some delicious.
Having the urge, giving in to the urges was hard, giving in just a little was harder, fact is you're a composed person, always under your own control, you want to fly off the handle but resisting something that everything points to Yes is the hardest thing of your life second to many things.
You know its self destructive, you know you'll enjoy it, it will feed you, but its just so hard..
Having the urge to scream until my lungs collapse, The urge to bite my lip until it bled and required serious attention, The urge to just feel physical pain because there is a massive lack of Mental pain was huge and hard.
Wanting this physical pain brought me back to my Shoulder Reconstruction, first day home, in tears from the pain and dad came over just to give me 2 magazines.
It was amazing and brought tears.
I tried screaming, I screamed until it hurt to breath, it was never enough, it never will be.
I am am forever a changed man, I can now say for the first time in my life I have truly experienced, felt and got over PURE HATRED and moved on to better things.
I still dwell and remember those nights sitting in Gahkbe on Wisemans Ferry and Screaming until it felt like I was pumping acid through my body.
It still feels good to dwell on it.
That won't ever change.
Later in this year I found freedom, I have chased it and found it, finally.
What does it feel like?
Amazing and scary.
I also find that losing one of the biggest things (my license) my Father and I achieved wasn't so hard, was pretty easy.
Finding hate was amazing.
Finding the Dark in SHOGUNOVDDRK was amazing.
Finding the Looser in Lloyd was amazing, then being informed that its not "Looser" its "nerd" was intriguing, finally, I do fall under a label?
Finding the first L of Lloyd was interesting, its Love.
So finding the Love in Lloyd was amazing.
Now I have realised that over 20 years I have over 99 problems.
2009 is almost over.
2010 is almost here.
I have no expectations of 2010, I developed expectations for 2009 and it kicked me in the balls, repeatedly.
2009 kicked and kicked and kicked, but what next, terminal prostate Cancer?
wait a minute, My mother has already somewhat fought Cancer before.
What I do want from 2010 (in no particular order).
A Job.
My License back
To move to Brisbane
To Get another Job in Brisbane (if I cannot transfer)
To Continue having such an epic Woman love me and want me (which I know will happen regardless, and it will always be returned)
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