I'm Lloyd Hugh (SoCash) Buckridge, I'm almost 21, I'm living in my paradise and I'm learning everyday.
So Cash - the origin for me was 2007 a time where I lurked /b/ in between spamming multiple forums, so 24/7.
Shit was not cash then and I chose to leave /b/, but then again thinking back to it, its a point of my life where I have no images of myself, nor pleasant memories but they seem dismal since Dad's passing and the rose being left behind.
Thinking to the time now, So Cash has another connection now, to a song called Drunk Again by Reel Big Fish.
What is so cash now?
Its me, I have millions of dollar bills, for being wrong, back in 2009 I'd say some profit was achieved.
Well, being right, but putting that feeling in my gut aside and pressing on to be wrong.
Why am I wrong? because I was right and I didn't let on to myself that I was right.
Note to self - Press on and know you'll be wrong, because being right is something I do externally, not in my own life.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Well...
Its been a while, hasn't it?
What will I go through?
None of the events from April till now.
Accept one.
Mark.
I have my unicorn, the car I've been hunting for, 3 years to be precise.
How does it feel?
Amazing yet depressing.
So this post will introduce another part of me, which I will start writing on shortly.
I think I will call it: You're not shit.
Why?
Because you're not shit unless they talk about you.
Lets face it, a car isn't legendary unless its talked about at meets, on forums and overseas.
I don't aim to get Mark there, but fuck I'll try.
What will I go through?
None of the events from April till now.
Accept one.
Mark.
I have my unicorn, the car I've been hunting for, 3 years to be precise.
How does it feel?
Amazing yet depressing.
So this post will introduce another part of me, which I will start writing on shortly.
I think I will call it: You're not shit.
Why?
Because you're not shit unless they talk about you.
Lets face it, a car isn't legendary unless its talked about at meets, on forums and overseas.
I don't aim to get Mark there, but fuck I'll try.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Cracks in the concrete.
A small lesson in life:
Cracks in the concrete are just reminders that you'll always fall apart no matter how strong you are.
Cracks in the concrete are just reminders that you'll always fall apart no matter how strong you are.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
The becoming...
Well, I haven't changed at all, Rhiannon accuse me of changing and becoming something I don't like, but reality is that I'm still the same.
There are many proofs to this and many more to come in my life.
An example is how its all the same, the faces and names and how I'm scared of myself again.
There are many proofs to this and many more to come in my life.
An example is how its all the same, the faces and names and how I'm scared of myself again.
Monday, April 12, 2010
....irrelivent name is irrelivent.
Troll bait is Troll bait.
So, who am I?
I'm Lloyd, 21, originally from Sydney but now living in Brisbane.
otherwise can I identify myself any further?
Am I an Enigma?
Am I a reality?
Am I a dream?
Am I real?
Do I exist or am I an alter ego of another being?
I look at these pictures and I see what I am, not who I am nor what I have become.
The simple answer is no, I choose not to re-delve into what I am becoming.
So, who am I?
I'm Lloyd, 21, originally from Sydney but now living in Brisbane.
otherwise can I identify myself any further?
Am I an Enigma?
Am I a reality?
Am I a dream?
Am I real?
Do I exist or am I an alter ego of another being?
I look at these pictures and I see what I am, not who I am nor what I have become.
The simple answer is no, I choose not to re-delve into what I am becoming.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
My Head.
Sometimes I truly despise myself, my experiences and what goes in my head, though I wouldn't change a thing, if anything I'd go forth and try to experience more, despise more and experience more pain then I already have endured and see if I can become a mental vegetable.
I think the worst of myself, I believe the worst of myself, I feel the worst of myself, I have experiened the worst in myself (and in life) yet I destroy myself a little more each and everyday.
I wake up from sleep and am very aware what I experienced in sleep isn't a reality, though it scares even myself and my mind.
What are these things?
Think of it as Predator hiding in the Amazon somewhere, you're deaf, have your eyes wide open and are tied to a chair with your blood dripping.
I suffer from depression, it seems anxiety also?
Its scary but another pair of eyes have changed me, not green though a multiple of colours (depending on mood I guess) and its this pair of eyes that can stare at me deeply and smile which will make my heart melt, no matter what, it forces me to feel good about myself again and remember I'm a lucky man, I have the dream and that I am where I am now, not the past tense or future tense, the present which is all that matters.
These eyes are aware I blog, weither she reads it or not isn't the question nor the care.
My thoughts and feelings being put across is, and it happens.
I'm too tired to finish this amazingly, so I will stop here, re-write in the future as things appear and put a beautiful piece of classical on for you all.
I think the worst of myself, I believe the worst of myself, I feel the worst of myself, I have experiened the worst in myself (and in life) yet I destroy myself a little more each and everyday.
I wake up from sleep and am very aware what I experienced in sleep isn't a reality, though it scares even myself and my mind.
What are these things?
Think of it as Predator hiding in the Amazon somewhere, you're deaf, have your eyes wide open and are tied to a chair with your blood dripping.
I suffer from depression, it seems anxiety also?
Its scary but another pair of eyes have changed me, not green though a multiple of colours (depending on mood I guess) and its this pair of eyes that can stare at me deeply and smile which will make my heart melt, no matter what, it forces me to feel good about myself again and remember I'm a lucky man, I have the dream and that I am where I am now, not the past tense or future tense, the present which is all that matters.
These eyes are aware I blog, weither she reads it or not isn't the question nor the care.
My thoughts and feelings being put across is, and it happens.
I'm too tired to finish this amazingly, so I will stop here, re-write in the future as things appear and put a beautiful piece of classical on for you all.
Friday, March 26, 2010
Saturday, March 20, 2010
FMLIA
Yet it stinks.
Why does it stink?
Something installed in me.
Being in a relationship and having a girlfriend is awesome, it somewhat helps make my life awesome, yet something in me tells me that it'll soon fuck me in the ass as its happened before.
I want to stand on the tallest building in Brisbane and scream into Surfers Paradise how awesome my life is, yet one thing that never would bother me makes me want to sit in a corner and count down days, hours and minutes until I spread my cheeks again.
No doubt its just me worrying over nothing, but it is because I finally have that girl, the girl that every guy wants and that I always saw others getting but never had a chance with, infact I am out of Jen's league.
Darryl once said "Don't undersell yourself Hank"
I can't help be who I am, I see my value as x cents but others see it as xx dollars, I disagree.
I was once told I'd changed, but I had not at that point, I've always played it cool and never had doubt in my mind about anything, especially people in my surroundings.
As it turned out, I was fucking wrong, no matter how I may surrounded myself with people who I know well, who I'd trust with me life and I know who spoke their mind, I was wrong and I had a dollar bill and I won't ever trust new people in the way I once did.
I now sit, count and wait for Jen to do what had been done before and leave me where I was before her.
In my mind I know it'll happen, I just want to know when so I'm not so shocked or hurt this time.
Unfortunately the way I was and the way I am, I had actually been proven wrong and in such a hard way.
no doubt I will cop shit for this, because I'm writing in my blog about someone again who still chooses to read last time I knew of.
I've somewhat lost a part of me, my identity, the essence of me.
I can still put on those glasses, put on that smile and still appear the same, but I feel lost in who I am now, I'd rather walk around with a paper bag over my head constantly.
The first person I should trust I'm unsure of when I shouldn't mis-trust this person.
I now doubt and lack trust in those who are close to me, who want the best for me and most of all, love me for who I am and what I do, or in some cases DID!
I have a fucking problem, time can heal this wound for me while I fight the forces of getting paid and sending a book back to Victoria.
Why does it stink?
Something installed in me.
Being in a relationship and having a girlfriend is awesome, it somewhat helps make my life awesome, yet something in me tells me that it'll soon fuck me in the ass as its happened before.
I want to stand on the tallest building in Brisbane and scream into Surfers Paradise how awesome my life is, yet one thing that never would bother me makes me want to sit in a corner and count down days, hours and minutes until I spread my cheeks again.
No doubt its just me worrying over nothing, but it is because I finally have that girl, the girl that every guy wants and that I always saw others getting but never had a chance with, infact I am out of Jen's league.
Darryl once said "Don't undersell yourself Hank"
I can't help be who I am, I see my value as x cents but others see it as xx dollars, I disagree.
I was once told I'd changed, but I had not at that point, I've always played it cool and never had doubt in my mind about anything, especially people in my surroundings.
As it turned out, I was fucking wrong, no matter how I may surrounded myself with people who I know well, who I'd trust with me life and I know who spoke their mind, I was wrong and I had a dollar bill and I won't ever trust new people in the way I once did.
I now sit, count and wait for Jen to do what had been done before and leave me where I was before her.
In my mind I know it'll happen, I just want to know when so I'm not so shocked or hurt this time.
Unfortunately the way I was and the way I am, I had actually been proven wrong and in such a hard way.
no doubt I will cop shit for this, because I'm writing in my blog about someone again who still chooses to read last time I knew of.
To ensure I cop what I deserve, I will put it in black and white, thanks Rhiannon for changing who I was and installing something in me, doubt
I've somewhat lost a part of me, my identity, the essence of me.
I can still put on those glasses, put on that smile and still appear the same, but I feel lost in who I am now, I'd rather walk around with a paper bag over my head constantly.
The first person I should trust I'm unsure of when I shouldn't mis-trust this person.
I now doubt and lack trust in those who are close to me, who want the best for me and most of all, love me for who I am and what I do, or in some cases DID!
I have a fucking problem, time can heal this wound for me while I fight the forces of getting paid and sending a book back to Victoria.
Friday, March 12, 2010
Everything From Here to There
One Year.....its officially been one year since I found out about Dad.
The Lord works in mysterious ways much like my father, One year after the moment I knew my father was gone something that we worked so hard for is mine once again, my license.
Its an amazing feeling, where did the year go?
I flushed it down the toilet pretty much, am I better person for it?
Who fucking knows.
I've had so many memories pop into my head today, alot not involving dad but the events after his demise.
Memories of Valentines day, Memories of Victoria, Memories of November, Memories of Brisbane and Surfers and thoughts of 'What if?'
Its been a pleasure and a pain, I just wanted to share some music which influenced my thoughts.
The thought came into my head today, I'd kill to hear my Fathers voice speak the lyrics from the hit band Smashing Pumpkins song - Perfect.
To be precise:
You know you're just like me
Next time I promise we'll be perfect
At the end of the day one song calmed me down, with its soft and soothing ways.
The Lord works in mysterious ways much like my father, One year after the moment I knew my father was gone something that we worked so hard for is mine once again, my license.
Its an amazing feeling, where did the year go?
I flushed it down the toilet pretty much, am I better person for it?
Who fucking knows.
I've had so many memories pop into my head today, alot not involving dad but the events after his demise.
Memories of Valentines day, Memories of Victoria, Memories of November, Memories of Brisbane and Surfers and thoughts of 'What if?'
Its been a pleasure and a pain, I just wanted to share some music which influenced my thoughts.
The thought came into my head today, I'd kill to hear my Fathers voice speak the lyrics from the hit band Smashing Pumpkins song - Perfect.
To be precise:
You know you're just like me
Next time I promise we'll be perfect
At the end of the day one song calmed me down, with its soft and soothing ways.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
The Upward spiral?
Well last week something happened, something that happened almost a year beforehand exactly.
My Prier bead broke, the green ones resides with Rhiannon now, whatever happens or happened to it shall be, its nolonger mine, but my black ones, they now reside with Pedo Bear....I mean Pedo Panda, broken and forever sacred..
Clearly it was a sign that I now need to look back one last time and kiss the past goodbye, or it was a sign of the times coming ahead, who knows, I sure as fuck don't.
My beads breaking was scary as all fuck, I placed them down on the counter before hopping in the shower, upon returning I found that the cross had broken and was shattered, why the cross? Dad wasn't religious, neither have I really.
The last time I tried to enter a church was 1 year ago as of next Monday, where I was kicked out because I had piercing and hair.
I always intended to have a cross tattooed on me, but go figure the rose resides where I planned it to be.
This morning I woke up and was looking back, sitting in the car on the way to work and looking back, looking back and pondering how the fuck I ended up here and what am I doing now that I'm here.
How the fuck did I somehow manage to meet a girl who would be the piece missing from my puzzle of getting to Brisbane, for good, HOW?
Who the fuck knows how this all works, I guess in a way something Jen said once upon a time was true, Dad is looking out for me in a big way, I guess meeting her was thanks to Dad in the scheme of things.
I had my eyebrow plucked tonight, not my choosing but it had to be done again anyway.
I realised as I looked in the Mirror:
"Fuck, I'm still Mark Buckridge"
Like Father, Like Son they say.
A year ago I was planning my day off work to commit suicide and was given the green light to have it off, exactly a year ago..
No doubt Dads was a last minute thing, he had been planning it but I highly doubt that he would have pulled the plug when he did, so early and so sloppy.
His choice, he wasn't as much as a perfectionist as I was, I guess I have Mum to thank for that.
One fucking year ago it would have been so different.
My Prier bead broke, the green ones resides with Rhiannon now, whatever happens or happened to it shall be, its nolonger mine, but my black ones, they now reside with Pedo Bear....I mean Pedo Panda, broken and forever sacred..
Clearly it was a sign that I now need to look back one last time and kiss the past goodbye, or it was a sign of the times coming ahead, who knows, I sure as fuck don't.
My beads breaking was scary as all fuck, I placed them down on the counter before hopping in the shower, upon returning I found that the cross had broken and was shattered, why the cross? Dad wasn't religious, neither have I really.
The last time I tried to enter a church was 1 year ago as of next Monday, where I was kicked out because I had piercing and hair.
I always intended to have a cross tattooed on me, but go figure the rose resides where I planned it to be.
This morning I woke up and was looking back, sitting in the car on the way to work and looking back, looking back and pondering how the fuck I ended up here and what am I doing now that I'm here.
How the fuck did I somehow manage to meet a girl who would be the piece missing from my puzzle of getting to Brisbane, for good, HOW?
Who the fuck knows how this all works, I guess in a way something Jen said once upon a time was true, Dad is looking out for me in a big way, I guess meeting her was thanks to Dad in the scheme of things.
I had my eyebrow plucked tonight, not my choosing but it had to be done again anyway.
I realised as I looked in the Mirror:
"Fuck, I'm still Mark Buckridge"
Like Father, Like Son they say.
A year ago I was planning my day off work to commit suicide and was given the green light to have it off, exactly a year ago..
No doubt Dads was a last minute thing, he had been planning it but I highly doubt that he would have pulled the plug when he did, so early and so sloppy.
His choice, he wasn't as much as a perfectionist as I was, I guess I have Mum to thank for that.
One fucking year ago it would have been so different.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Today is, TODAY IS?
Its been just over a week since the best week of my life kicked in, well, its been a long fucking month already and its barely began.
Well, cutting the long stories short, I'm finally home!!
Where is home?
Home is where the heart is, I'm in Brisbane now and it feels so fucking good.
What tops this off?
Getting a job (technically two), I did it, I managed to get a job in Brisbane and the ability to move up here.
It wasn't purely thanks me frankly, I have Jen to forever thank for this.
All of the pain I have suffered over the past year, All of the tears I've shed, All of the hate I've recieved, All of the text messages I've sent and recieved, its all come to a new beginning!
Now to just finish this brief and shit post off with something clever.
Well, cutting the long stories short, I'm finally home!!
Where is home?
Home is where the heart is, I'm in Brisbane now and it feels so fucking good.
What tops this off?
Getting a job (technically two), I did it, I managed to get a job in Brisbane and the ability to move up here.
It wasn't purely thanks me frankly, I have Jen to forever thank for this.
All of the pain I have suffered over the past year, All of the tears I've shed, All of the hate I've recieved, All of the text messages I've sent and recieved, its all come to a new beginning!
Now to just finish this brief and shit post off with something clever.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Just sayin'
WHAT A FUCKING DAY!!
It was reasonably eventless....
who am I kidding, Rolling fucking newspapers is boring as all fuck BUT
Organising a job interview for next Friday.....oh it gets better, IN BRISBANE JUST MAKES IT THAT FUCKING DAY
I'm in ECSTASY RIGHT NOW!!
As you read this you should hear me screaming!
I'm incredibly happy right now, this is better then the endorphin release I'd get from cumming four or five times in the span of 2 hours!!!
MY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD
I'm going to have to have a few drinks tonight to calm myself down or else I won't sleep
It was reasonably eventless....
who am I kidding, Rolling fucking newspapers is boring as all fuck BUT
Organising a job interview for next Friday.....oh it gets better, IN BRISBANE JUST MAKES IT THAT FUCKING DAY
I'm in ECSTASY RIGHT NOW!!
As you read this you should hear me screaming!
I'm incredibly happy right now, this is better then the endorphin release I'd get from cumming four or five times in the span of 2 hours!!!
MY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD
I'm going to have to have a few drinks tonight to calm myself down or else I won't sleep
Valium Times Day
Another one of those things where I rename events/holidays of the year
Christmas is Christ-mass to me and Valentines day is Valium Times Day.
To jump straight into this I have experienced alot lately, most not to reach the blog for some time, by then it won't seem important.
The man whom is Chasing Freedom reminded me of something tonight in his tired and exhausted state, I need to sit and write something down that will result in a blog post.
Well, it was in the back of my mind, much like the recent events one day will be at the back of my mind and it will all be memories enjoyed with a fine drink of Jack and Coke or Bacardi One Five One.
What happened one may ask?
Many things.
One thing that I will keep between myself and another person on my part, the matter has no business being here nor anywhere else frankly, I feel it doesn't belong anywhere accept between this person and I and I am severly disappointed in her attempts to bring others into it, nor can I blame her.
So, quick progress reports?
I got banned from Ozhonda for 3 days, during this time I also got another month.
What did I do?
I posted a picture of Becju (which I will do NOW)
That resulted in a 3 day Ban.
Then I chose (I knew what I was doing, I knew what the results were going to be) to post from another account.
Lauren was her name, I trolled with an introduction thread with this lady.
to Further the trolling at the time I used this image.
Anyway...thats explained now
During this 1 month Ban alot happened, I went to Victoria as readers know, I went home, I lived life, I continued the never ending search.
What search?
I wasn't Chasing Freedom, I did what I seem to do best, chasing reality and hurt, its not easy when also trip on truth, mourning and most of all being able to let it all out once again.
on one evening I actually found myself screaming and crying, my arms were flexed, my back hunched, my legs having a spasm in pain and lust as I screamed as loud as I could, I also woke my mother doing this.
She wondered to the Veranda, my appearance would have said enough, she whispered to me "feel a little better" I replied "It wasn't near enough"
I wasn't screaming a profanity nor was I screaming a word, just the sort of scream you would scream as a teenager as your head is under a pillow and you wish you could just die already.
Despite my self loathing and cry out to talk I did some of this on my own, I had many nights where there was no sleep, there was just cigarettes, tears and scolding showers.
It took a toll on my body and I loved the fine smell of self destruction once again, disgusting but true.
The smell of self destruction is the same as depression, the only difference is that it washes off easily the next day.
All of Valentines day I had many thoughts running through my head, some with a smile, some not.
Alot was on my mind, one question rose, will I hurt another unintentionally?
I guess what I said on Arek's blog post was correct, being a monster can be the best thing you can do.
In among this I also had questions about where am I going in life, my Father (also if he would be proud of me for once), my grandmother and my grandfather, after all they met on this day and wed a year later exactly.
I didn't see it coming but there was pain coming for me, pain and pleasure, not from the same source but it was going to be wrapped in one little envelope.
The funny thing about it, is that people that know me well they can see through me, no matter how long they've known me I have habbits and it makes me transparent.
Tania noticed one thing and asked if I was ok, I blatantly lied and said I was fine.
I just had shit on my mind at the time but didn't wish to unload on her (if you know what I mean)
Monday Morning after dropped Jen off to the airport my Mum and I had the radio on, a song came on that reminded me of Dad came on.
Everytime we'd be driving and this song turned on he'd either change the station or would cry.
I know that this song reminded Dad of my mother, now this song sadly reminds me of my Father hence why I cry or have to change the station now.
But as I sit here torturing myself and force myself through the pain it feels good to cry, it feels good to hurt.
[edit] I'm not only reminded of Dad but other things, other feelings, another pain and pleasure.
To cut this post short rather then ramble, I'll end it with the song.
Simply Red - Stars.
Christmas is Christ-mass to me and Valentines day is Valium Times Day.
To jump straight into this I have experienced alot lately, most not to reach the blog for some time, by then it won't seem important.
The man whom is Chasing Freedom reminded me of something tonight in his tired and exhausted state, I need to sit and write something down that will result in a blog post.
Well, it was in the back of my mind, much like the recent events one day will be at the back of my mind and it will all be memories enjoyed with a fine drink of Jack and Coke or Bacardi One Five One.
What happened one may ask?
Many things.
One thing that I will keep between myself and another person on my part, the matter has no business being here nor anywhere else frankly, I feel it doesn't belong anywhere accept between this person and I and I am severly disappointed in her attempts to bring others into it, nor can I blame her.
So, quick progress reports?
I got banned from Ozhonda for 3 days, during this time I also got another month.
What did I do?
I posted a picture of Becju (which I will do NOW)
That resulted in a 3 day Ban.
Then I chose (I knew what I was doing, I knew what the results were going to be) to post from another account.
Lauren was her name, I trolled with an introduction thread with this lady.
to Further the trolling at the time I used this image.
Anyway...thats explained now
During this 1 month Ban alot happened, I went to Victoria as readers know, I went home, I lived life, I continued the never ending search.
What search?
I wasn't Chasing Freedom, I did what I seem to do best, chasing reality and hurt, its not easy when also trip on truth, mourning and most of all being able to let it all out once again.
on one evening I actually found myself screaming and crying, my arms were flexed, my back hunched, my legs having a spasm in pain and lust as I screamed as loud as I could, I also woke my mother doing this.
She wondered to the Veranda, my appearance would have said enough, she whispered to me "feel a little better" I replied "It wasn't near enough"
I wasn't screaming a profanity nor was I screaming a word, just the sort of scream you would scream as a teenager as your head is under a pillow and you wish you could just die already.
Despite my self loathing and cry out to talk I did some of this on my own, I had many nights where there was no sleep, there was just cigarettes, tears and scolding showers.
It took a toll on my body and I loved the fine smell of self destruction once again, disgusting but true.
The smell of self destruction is the same as depression, the only difference is that it washes off easily the next day.
All of Valentines day I had many thoughts running through my head, some with a smile, some not.
Alot was on my mind, one question rose, will I hurt another unintentionally?
I guess what I said on Arek's blog post was correct, being a monster can be the best thing you can do.
In among this I also had questions about where am I going in life, my Father (also if he would be proud of me for once), my grandmother and my grandfather, after all they met on this day and wed a year later exactly.
I didn't see it coming but there was pain coming for me, pain and pleasure, not from the same source but it was going to be wrapped in one little envelope.
The funny thing about it, is that people that know me well they can see through me, no matter how long they've known me I have habbits and it makes me transparent.
Tania noticed one thing and asked if I was ok, I blatantly lied and said I was fine.
I just had shit on my mind at the time but didn't wish to unload on her (if you know what I mean)
Monday Morning after dropped Jen off to the airport my Mum and I had the radio on, a song came on that reminded me of Dad came on.
Everytime we'd be driving and this song turned on he'd either change the station or would cry.
I know that this song reminded Dad of my mother, now this song sadly reminds me of my Father hence why I cry or have to change the station now.
But as I sit here torturing myself and force myself through the pain it feels good to cry, it feels good to hurt.
[edit] I'm not only reminded of Dad but other things, other feelings, another pain and pleasure.
To cut this post short rather then ramble, I'll end it with the song.
Simply Red - Stars.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
A new beginning, the beginning to the end?
I haven't blogged in some time, now have I?
Typical question to pass my lips, did you miss me?
Don't answer that, its retorical.
Lately alot has been going on, shit, I really need to just sit down and write and let it be?
No doubt it'll all be lost in my head somewhere, stored, bottled and one day explode.
One of the things that happened was it was my Fathers Birthday recently, the 6th of this month to be precise.
I have so much to write, yet so little to write on the subject.
All I want to say at this stage is Happy belated Birthday to him, sure I said Happy Birthday on facebook, I did want to write happy birthday here but no time plus no net equals fuck no.
So Mathmatically:
Write happy Birthday
-Time
-Internet
-----------
Fuck No
To cut this short, Happy Birthday Mark Hugh Buckridge, you would have been 43, you're sorely missed everyday and though I mourn the loss of your life and presence (or lack there of), I celebrate the life you lead and learnt.
Maybe, just maybe you would've considered reincarnation before you swallowed those pills?
Its wierd knowing that when my Father was not far from my age in no time he'd have a son, a daughter and a family to think about, about 20 years ago really frightens me a little.
Why does it frighten me?
You have a defining moment in your life when you realise you're like one parent more then the other, I had that moment when I cut my hair off.
I always looked like my mother with the hair, I cut it off and looked in the mirror and started to cry.
Who was I looking at?
Mark Fuckridge.
The calender fact it was my Fathers Birthday, the fact I wasn't able to call him to wish him a happy birthday stirred alot in my family and even more in myself.
Sleepless nights of thinking, crying, thinking and then crying again usually followed.
You know your head is fucked when you have a plan ready:
Shower
Have a fap in the shower
Have a smoke
Go to sleep
but the plan turns into this:
Shower
Think of your father
Start designing a new tattoo in your head to represent the new beginning in life you're about to recieve
Cry
Cry
Cry
Dick goes limp
Have a smoke still crying
Go to bed
Cry more
Think
Cry
Cry
Cry
8am
Thinking about the topic of 'fuck, dad was 23 when I was born' brought on a few memories and good times with Dad, it also brought tears with a good laugh.
One of them was a conversation Dad and I would always have whenever sex was on topic:
"Lloyd!"
"....Son"
"Mark?"
"Lloyd, You know...-"
"I know little yet alot for a life of my time."
"You know I'm too young to be a grandfather, right?"
"Dad, I'm not going to follow in your footsteps, I don't want kids until I'm alot older and alot more stable, frankly whatever happens in life happens dad, I promise I'm not going to purposely make you a grandfather Dad, and yes I put condoms on everytime, I'll have a fap before I go bare" (literally said fap and he knew the meaning)
"Thats all I wanted to hear son"
"I know, and I meant it"
(Never had a pregnancy scare in my life, almost always wore a condom and whenever I haven't said female was on the pill, I didn't cum in her and I tested myself after)
Frankly, I would murder and then offer myself to have this conversation with him again one more time in-person, but not in my mind, physically.
Its hard living with the first year after someone dies, whoever said "The first year is the hardest" was full of shit, its not, everyday after is.
I once said this to Arek, and yes I was full of shit without knowing it, sadly something you get told time and time again and say it time and time again, but until you experience it you don't really know the truth on the line.
Dads Birthday?
Well we celebrated with my Uncle Kerlie (not blood uncle but Dads best mate) and had a BBQ.
Kerlie and I consumed alcohol, my mother was her usual abusive towards me self, I smoked cigarettes (which Kerlie didn't know I smoked) and there was a beautiful view.
A moment I wish I could erase from my brain was this.
I know I kinda look like my father, minus the piercings and I'm basically him.
Kerlie spotted me get out of the car and said to himself "Bucko's home"
When Mum and I got to his house he was a bit teary eyed, he didn't need to tell me why, I already knew, after all I had looked in the mirror that morning and cried whilst brushing my teeth.
Sadly the reality of my father committing suicide to him is big, he isn't eluded by it but there is something in him screaming "THIS IS NOT REAL, ITS A DREAM, HE WOULDN'T DO THIS TO HIMSELF NOR I"
Reality is he did, being on both sides of the realities and facts is hard.
We didn't mourn his death on this day, we celebrated his life and celebrated my dad would have loved, a BBQ and a few drinks.
I've concluded something that I have not done for some months, I'm down to 91 problems (wow...progress?)
The problem was simple, realising potential?
If I can destroy an old saying with knowledge and experience, I can then destroy or rebuild lots of things with my experiences and knowledge.
Now I need someone to see my potential and give me a paying job so I can get my ass up to the fine place of Brisbane.
I'm putting the initiative in and hopefully it'll pay my efforts back sooner then later.
I miss you Dad, I miss you with all of my love and hate for you.
I didn't like Slipknot until I heard this song, the song is Circle and I instantly connected with Mark Buckridge, my Father and everything that his Suicide brought to me.
This is what caught me the most:
All that I wanted were things I had before
All that I needed, I never needed more
All of my questions were answers to my sins
All of my endings are waiting to begin
Once I find my drawing book and pencils I can start doing something else constructive, I will start designing another Rose Tattoo for myself, I forsee my Right arm turning into a Rose/Flower sleeve with only 2 Roses on the arm actually being coloured.
Typical question to pass my lips, did you miss me?
Don't answer that, its retorical.
Lately alot has been going on, shit, I really need to just sit down and write and let it be?
No doubt it'll all be lost in my head somewhere, stored, bottled and one day explode.
One of the things that happened was it was my Fathers Birthday recently, the 6th of this month to be precise.
I have so much to write, yet so little to write on the subject.
All I want to say at this stage is Happy belated Birthday to him, sure I said Happy Birthday on facebook, I did want to write happy birthday here but no time plus no net equals fuck no.
So Mathmatically:
Write happy Birthday
-Time
-Internet
-----------
Fuck No
To cut this short, Happy Birthday Mark Hugh Buckridge, you would have been 43, you're sorely missed everyday and though I mourn the loss of your life and presence (or lack there of), I celebrate the life you lead and learnt.
Maybe, just maybe you would've considered reincarnation before you swallowed those pills?
Its wierd knowing that when my Father was not far from my age in no time he'd have a son, a daughter and a family to think about, about 20 years ago really frightens me a little.
Why does it frighten me?
You have a defining moment in your life when you realise you're like one parent more then the other, I had that moment when I cut my hair off.
I always looked like my mother with the hair, I cut it off and looked in the mirror and started to cry.
Who was I looking at?
Mark Fuckridge.
The calender fact it was my Fathers Birthday, the fact I wasn't able to call him to wish him a happy birthday stirred alot in my family and even more in myself.
Sleepless nights of thinking, crying, thinking and then crying again usually followed.
You know your head is fucked when you have a plan ready:
Shower
Have a fap in the shower
Have a smoke
Go to sleep
but the plan turns into this:
Shower
Think of your father
Start designing a new tattoo in your head to represent the new beginning in life you're about to recieve
Cry
Cry
Cry
Dick goes limp
Have a smoke still crying
Go to bed
Cry more
Think
Cry
Cry
Cry
8am
Thinking about the topic of 'fuck, dad was 23 when I was born' brought on a few memories and good times with Dad, it also brought tears with a good laugh.
One of them was a conversation Dad and I would always have whenever sex was on topic:
"Lloyd!"
"....Son"
"Mark?"
"Lloyd, You know...-"
"I know little yet alot for a life of my time."
"You know I'm too young to be a grandfather, right?"
"Dad, I'm not going to follow in your footsteps, I don't want kids until I'm alot older and alot more stable, frankly whatever happens in life happens dad, I promise I'm not going to purposely make you a grandfather Dad, and yes I put condoms on everytime, I'll have a fap before I go bare" (literally said fap and he knew the meaning)
"Thats all I wanted to hear son"
"I know, and I meant it"
(Never had a pregnancy scare in my life, almost always wore a condom and whenever I haven't said female was on the pill, I didn't cum in her and I tested myself after)
Frankly, I would murder and then offer myself to have this conversation with him again one more time in-person, but not in my mind, physically.
Its hard living with the first year after someone dies, whoever said "The first year is the hardest" was full of shit, its not, everyday after is.
I once said this to Arek, and yes I was full of shit without knowing it, sadly something you get told time and time again and say it time and time again, but until you experience it you don't really know the truth on the line.
Dads Birthday?
Well we celebrated with my Uncle Kerlie (not blood uncle but Dads best mate) and had a BBQ.
Kerlie and I consumed alcohol, my mother was her usual abusive towards me self, I smoked cigarettes (which Kerlie didn't know I smoked) and there was a beautiful view.
A moment I wish I could erase from my brain was this.
I know I kinda look like my father, minus the piercings and I'm basically him.
Kerlie spotted me get out of the car and said to himself "Bucko's home"
When Mum and I got to his house he was a bit teary eyed, he didn't need to tell me why, I already knew, after all I had looked in the mirror that morning and cried whilst brushing my teeth.
Sadly the reality of my father committing suicide to him is big, he isn't eluded by it but there is something in him screaming "THIS IS NOT REAL, ITS A DREAM, HE WOULDN'T DO THIS TO HIMSELF NOR I"
Reality is he did, being on both sides of the realities and facts is hard.
We didn't mourn his death on this day, we celebrated his life and celebrated my dad would have loved, a BBQ and a few drinks.
I've concluded something that I have not done for some months, I'm down to 91 problems (wow...progress?)
The problem was simple, realising potential?
If I can destroy an old saying with knowledge and experience, I can then destroy or rebuild lots of things with my experiences and knowledge.
Now I need someone to see my potential and give me a paying job so I can get my ass up to the fine place of Brisbane.
I'm putting the initiative in and hopefully it'll pay my efforts back sooner then later.
I miss you Dad, I miss you with all of my love and hate for you.
I didn't like Slipknot until I heard this song, the song is Circle and I instantly connected with Mark Buckridge, my Father and everything that his Suicide brought to me.
This is what caught me the most:
All that I wanted were things I had before
All that I needed, I never needed more
All of my questions were answers to my sins
All of my endings are waiting to begin
Once I find my drawing book and pencils I can start doing something else constructive, I will start designing another Rose Tattoo for myself, I forsee my Right arm turning into a Rose/Flower sleeve with only 2 Roses on the arm actually being coloured.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Victoria Write up...Part THREEE####3
Alright, Part 3 of this shizzle dizzle, manizzle.
Sunday bloody Sunday..
How do I start this bit?
Well, you get up in the morning thinking of someone and missing them.
You get ready for twisties, you take a piss on the way to Black Spur, god takes a piss on you because you're smoking? you profit for a 10th time..
Going sideways in a FWD car is fun, Going sideways in a FWD car is fun twice, having relations with the guard rail isn't as fun.
Oh well, 10th mountain accident I've been involved in, the Mountain Dr was handy atleast to get out his tool..
To cut this Black Spur short, Bridgestones are SHIT in the WET.
I drove again on this day, fuck it felt good to drive again.
The ass wanted to kick out a bit during this time but a little clutching kept the car in my control.
Hours passed and kilometers driven, we were hungry and needed to go potty.
Believe it or not, 2 of these was 9 big ones..
oh well, went down well man.
We continued to drive and got back to Nathans and chilled with a slurpee....
Sadly we had to drop Sim off at home so she could get her room set up, Nathan and I exchanged some music....Reel Big Fish (Finally can just listen to the lot, finally)
Not long after that I called it a night, after all I was going to spend time with Rhiannon tomorrow before I left.
Monday...the Mon-day?
Things happen involving this....this spamtasy on a Monday.
Example:
Caddy Shack meme.
I got up early, had my shower shit and shave and I felt good.
meeting Rhiannon at Flinders st at 12:30 to spend some time with her.
We talked, I swore and got the look (yes, swearing is a big no-no on Victorian trains..) and we reacher her place.....buuuut got pizza beforehand
We ate food, we drank pepsi, we chilled, we cuddled, we kissed, we talked, we spooned, we massaged and we looked in eachothers eyes.
it felt so good man to just be in her presence, I really do miss it and miss her as a whole more.
I took Lloyd Bear back with me and Rhiannon insisted on giving me my green beads back that I had given her in November, I know why but wish she didn't though they are nice to wear.
I left her my green near broken beads hidden (I knew she was cleaning her room and would find them) and my blue lighter, it may need a refill soon so here's hoping she doesn't chuck it!
before I knew it her parents were home and we chillaxed some more before my flight..oh the terrible flight
We got to the airport and gave eachother one last hug and kiss...she had insisted on giving me money to grab a drink before the flight.
Guiness? sure why not!
I also grabbed a cheese burger and scabbed a rollie from a wonderful woman at the airport smoking outside, wonderful old bird she was.
Got to the x-ray machines and forgot (AS USUAL) I was wearing a belt.
Guy at the machine made a joke about my piercings, something along the lines of this:
"hahahaa, better be careful buddy, your piercings might set the machinery off"
Now my stepfather works in this industry, he supplies the machinery so I know for a fact they'd have to set up really high in-order to set the machines off...
Him being a wanker I figured I'd give him some back.
I took my belt off (despite being instructed to take off my shoes), placed it on the belt to go through x-ray, gave him a sharp look and said "I hope my dick piercing doesn't set it off then" and had a chuckled
Joke was on him, what dick?
I walked through fine as he was shocked at what I said.
Not a long wait for the horror flight, I spammed once on another account (Banned now) and got on ze plane.
it was shit, my seat didn't tilt, there was no music or entertainment accept for one last gift from Rhiannon...
Something I hadn't read since I was a young teenager...a book...
I loved reading it on the flight, I got about 1/4 way through on the flight alone..
I arrived in Sydney and instantly had the blues, no Rhythm would cure this, I call it "back in Shitknee" Syndrome.
Mum was kind enough to grab me from the Airport and had a pack of smokes for me, fuck I love this woman.
I talked to her about the events that occured in Victoria and what was going on, she wasn't suprised and felt decisions made were wise.
She also started to ask questions about how serious the move to Brisbane is, its not quiet clear.
That evening I headed up to Umina for some fail......well kinda win, Newspaper rolling and delivering, which was the next ting.
But god damn...I was home........for now.
Next time I leave the state of New South Whales I hope to not have to return and call it home, or atleast have a date set for which I won't any further..
That was my Victoria experience.
Sunday bloody Sunday..
How do I start this bit?
Well, you get up in the morning thinking of someone and missing them.
You get ready for twisties, you take a piss on the way to Black Spur, god takes a piss on you because you're smoking? you profit for a 10th time..
Going sideways in a FWD car is fun, Going sideways in a FWD car is fun twice, having relations with the guard rail isn't as fun.
Oh well, 10th mountain accident I've been involved in, the Mountain Dr was handy atleast to get out his tool..
To cut this Black Spur short, Bridgestones are SHIT in the WET.
I drove again on this day, fuck it felt good to drive again.
The ass wanted to kick out a bit during this time but a little clutching kept the car in my control.
Hours passed and kilometers driven, we were hungry and needed to go potty.
Believe it or not, 2 of these was 9 big ones..
oh well, went down well man.
We continued to drive and got back to Nathans and chilled with a slurpee....
Sadly we had to drop Sim off at home so she could get her room set up, Nathan and I exchanged some music....Reel Big Fish (Finally can just listen to the lot, finally)
Not long after that I called it a night, after all I was going to spend time with Rhiannon tomorrow before I left.
Monday...the Mon-day?
Things happen involving this....this spamtasy on a Monday.
Example:
Caddy Shack meme.
I got up early, had my shower shit and shave and I felt good.
meeting Rhiannon at Flinders st at 12:30 to spend some time with her.
We talked, I swore and got the look (yes, swearing is a big no-no on Victorian trains..) and we reacher her place.....buuuut got pizza beforehand
We ate food, we drank pepsi, we chilled, we cuddled, we kissed, we talked, we spooned, we massaged and we looked in eachothers eyes.
it felt so good man to just be in her presence, I really do miss it and miss her as a whole more.
I took Lloyd Bear back with me and Rhiannon insisted on giving me my green beads back that I had given her in November, I know why but wish she didn't though they are nice to wear.
I left her my green near broken beads hidden (I knew she was cleaning her room and would find them) and my blue lighter, it may need a refill soon so here's hoping she doesn't chuck it!
before I knew it her parents were home and we chillaxed some more before my flight..oh the terrible flight
We got to the airport and gave eachother one last hug and kiss...she had insisted on giving me money to grab a drink before the flight.
Guiness? sure why not!
I also grabbed a cheese burger and scabbed a rollie from a wonderful woman at the airport smoking outside, wonderful old bird she was.
Got to the x-ray machines and forgot (AS USUAL) I was wearing a belt.
Guy at the machine made a joke about my piercings, something along the lines of this:
"hahahaa, better be careful buddy, your piercings might set the machinery off"
Now my stepfather works in this industry, he supplies the machinery so I know for a fact they'd have to set up really high in-order to set the machines off...
Him being a wanker I figured I'd give him some back.
I took my belt off (despite being instructed to take off my shoes), placed it on the belt to go through x-ray, gave him a sharp look and said "I hope my dick piercing doesn't set it off then" and had a chuckled
Joke was on him, what dick?
I walked through fine as he was shocked at what I said.
Not a long wait for the horror flight, I spammed once on another account (Banned now) and got on ze plane.
it was shit, my seat didn't tilt, there was no music or entertainment accept for one last gift from Rhiannon...
Something I hadn't read since I was a young teenager...a book...
I loved reading it on the flight, I got about 1/4 way through on the flight alone..
I arrived in Sydney and instantly had the blues, no Rhythm would cure this, I call it "back in Shitknee" Syndrome.
Mum was kind enough to grab me from the Airport and had a pack of smokes for me, fuck I love this woman.
I talked to her about the events that occured in Victoria and what was going on, she wasn't suprised and felt decisions made were wise.
She also started to ask questions about how serious the move to Brisbane is, its not quiet clear.
That evening I headed up to Umina for some fail......well kinda win, Newspaper rolling and delivering, which was the next ting.
But god damn...I was home........for now.
Next time I leave the state of New South Whales I hope to not have to return and call it home, or atleast have a date set for which I won't any further..
That was my Victoria experience.
Victoria Write up...Part TWO@@@@22
So....Part 2 eh?
well, lets start this off with a bad ass tune also..
Not played or have significant level to the trip, just a bad ass tune.
Ok, so I had just met up with Rhiannon, Nathan had been invited to a beer garden thing?
We all said it'd be good and decided to go, Nathan had work on so I chilled with Rhiannon for a while which was good, Pizza, Hugs, kisses and meeting the parents, what more does a man want?
Rhiannon and I talked on the train heading to meeting Nathan, I had left my bag in his car and got ready at his place.
His parents talked to Nathan about drinking tonight, he informed them he was too wrecked and would get smashed easily, I told them it was ok, I was his designated drinker after all.
I got myself ready and borrowed a pair of Nathans shoes, yes I even forgot to pack my thongs for the fucking trip!!
FUUUUUUUU-
Anyway, I stretched the living shit out of his size 11's, lol
To sum up the evening:
Toga wearing men who are free balling (big fucking thumbs up gentleman)
Lots of people
A see-saw
Pure Blondes x 5?
Bacardi shots x 3
Bundy Rum x 1
Banned on Ozhonda for a second time
Talks with Rhiannon and I
10 people crammed in a room
Cuddles and sleeping on a 2 seater couch
Me snoring like a freight train
People being kept up by the snoring and two people going at it all night
Was a good night.
And again we had Drunk Again playing, which Nathan and I screamed at teh top of our lungs..
With Rhiannon, Sim and another guy who's name started with L, I frankly have a mind blank right now and don't recall his name......god he was a legend though.
He was the one rooting all night and BOY was the hickie he left on the girls neck.....he got a high five from Rhiannon, Nathan and myself for his tireless efforts, it was that fucking wicked sick you'd have to see it to truly believe.
Rhiannon and I talked some more and shared a Gudang, she got an epic headspin and I just salivated in goodness.
As it would turn out, I'll be staying at Nathan's for the rest of my time here.
Before I knew it Friday was here, Nathan had work again and Rhiannon and I had to head off to Dinner with the Supporters.
Man dinner was good, 30 bucks for a 290gram steak, well worth it.
Rhiannon had fish and chips and was tired as from not sleeping....sadly she was the worse off from my snoring victims, poor thing :(
Dinner was good, got to meet up with all the boys and have a good chat and a meal.
(Wasn't expecting the Camera, shoulda given her a smooch)
Rhiannon was absolutely smashed and needed sleep, so she departed early and headed for bed....to discover she was banned also, fucking Joyride.
Well, I did drive 900k's for a hug and a kiss with Adam, after all he deserved it for driving 200k's for a kiss and a cuddle with his ex.
Red stuff is red and lumpy...
Time for another tune? fuck yes!
I also posed infront of a yellow Ferrari, I will post the lulzy pictures later when I recieve them.
Everyone had departed and sadly Nathan and Sim got to us at 11, lol, Nathan slept well and Lukey, Adam, Rodney and I had a chance to chill and chat when they arrived.
After a bit of chill-ax we headed off to the bottle shop.....Johnny Walker red was what we concluded and we accidently the whole bottle, felt good man.
We all enjoyed some lulz, a gudang and some drinks, what more do we want?
4am we called it an evening as we woke Nathans mum...whoooopsie...
Rodney and I stayed up for a while chatting about things, I had started 'snoring' while being up...
Rodney and I heard something we won't forget...
'TEEEEEEEEE VEEEEEEEEEEEEEE IIIIIIIIIII EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES'
(not)
But I did hear something, lol.
Saturday was here, Rodney had to head back to Bendigo (NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!)
But Rhiannon came over, we chilled with some metalocolypse (FUCK-YESS!!) and Pizza.
For the record, Rhiannons pizza place is awesome, not as good as Pizza Capers in Brisbane, but its hardly second.
The day passed by, Rhiannon and I talked over a cigarette and sadly it was time for her to depart.
The day passed fairly quickly after that, Chalk was bought for the Matte Black EK and after that was chill-out sessions time.
Fuck it, part 3 coming at yaaaaaaa
well, lets start this off with a bad ass tune also..
Not played or have significant level to the trip, just a bad ass tune.
Ok, so I had just met up with Rhiannon, Nathan had been invited to a beer garden thing?
We all said it'd be good and decided to go, Nathan had work on so I chilled with Rhiannon for a while which was good, Pizza, Hugs, kisses and meeting the parents, what more does a man want?
Rhiannon and I talked on the train heading to meeting Nathan, I had left my bag in his car and got ready at his place.
His parents talked to Nathan about drinking tonight, he informed them he was too wrecked and would get smashed easily, I told them it was ok, I was his designated drinker after all.
I got myself ready and borrowed a pair of Nathans shoes, yes I even forgot to pack my thongs for the fucking trip!!
FUUUUUUUU-
Anyway, I stretched the living shit out of his size 11's, lol
To sum up the evening:
Toga wearing men who are free balling (big fucking thumbs up gentleman)
Lots of people
A see-saw
Pure Blondes x 5?
Bacardi shots x 3
Bundy Rum x 1
Banned on Ozhonda for a second time
Talks with Rhiannon and I
10 people crammed in a room
Cuddles and sleeping on a 2 seater couch
Me snoring like a freight train
People being kept up by the snoring and two people going at it all night
Was a good night.
And again we had Drunk Again playing, which Nathan and I screamed at teh top of our lungs..
With Rhiannon, Sim and another guy who's name started with L, I frankly have a mind blank right now and don't recall his name......god he was a legend though.
He was the one rooting all night and BOY was the hickie he left on the girls neck.....he got a high five from Rhiannon, Nathan and myself for his tireless efforts, it was that fucking wicked sick you'd have to see it to truly believe.
Rhiannon and I talked some more and shared a Gudang, she got an epic headspin and I just salivated in goodness.
As it would turn out, I'll be staying at Nathan's for the rest of my time here.
Before I knew it Friday was here, Nathan had work again and Rhiannon and I had to head off to Dinner with the Supporters.
Man dinner was good, 30 bucks for a 290gram steak, well worth it.
Rhiannon had fish and chips and was tired as from not sleeping....sadly she was the worse off from my snoring victims, poor thing :(
Dinner was good, got to meet up with all the boys and have a good chat and a meal.
(Wasn't expecting the Camera, shoulda given her a smooch)
Rhiannon was absolutely smashed and needed sleep, so she departed early and headed for bed....to discover she was banned also, fucking Joyride.
Well, I did drive 900k's for a hug and a kiss with Adam, after all he deserved it for driving 200k's for a kiss and a cuddle with his ex.
Red stuff is red and lumpy...
Time for another tune? fuck yes!
I also posed infront of a yellow Ferrari, I will post the lulzy pictures later when I recieve them.
Everyone had departed and sadly Nathan and Sim got to us at 11, lol, Nathan slept well and Lukey, Adam, Rodney and I had a chance to chill and chat when they arrived.
After a bit of chill-ax we headed off to the bottle shop.....Johnny Walker red was what we concluded and we accidently the whole bottle, felt good man.
We all enjoyed some lulz, a gudang and some drinks, what more do we want?
4am we called it an evening as we woke Nathans mum...whoooopsie...
Rodney and I stayed up for a while chatting about things, I had started 'snoring' while being up...
Rodney and I heard something we won't forget...
'TEEEEEEEEE VEEEEEEEEEEEEEE IIIIIIIIIII EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES'
(not)
But I did hear something, lol.
Saturday was here, Rodney had to head back to Bendigo (NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!)
But Rhiannon came over, we chilled with some metalocolypse (FUCK-YESS!!) and Pizza.
For the record, Rhiannons pizza place is awesome, not as good as Pizza Capers in Brisbane, but its hardly second.
The day passed by, Rhiannon and I talked over a cigarette and sadly it was time for her to depart.
The day passed fairly quickly after that, Chalk was bought for the Matte Black EK and after that was chill-out sessions time.
Fuck it, part 3 coming at yaaaaaaa
Friday, January 22, 2010
Victoria Write up...Part ONE!!!!!1
Ok, so I recently visited the state of Victoria, first time I've done so since.....1 or 2 years of age?
So how did it all start?
Well I've been long overdue to visit this fine state, I've made many friends in the state and I did promise to visit the Mel-burn Ozhonda members for sometime, actually that I would in November which didn't happen.....
But Brisbane and Surfers was totally awesome.
Lets kick this mother off with some Reel Big Fish, EH?!
So, a few weeks before the events of this trip Nathan and I planned something..
Nathan was going to drive 900k's up to Sydney for kisses, cuddles and to hold hands (awww, totally Bromanctic)
Also to get his Tattoo
SO it was set, Nathan was going to come up and we'd arrive in Victoria on Friday..
Well that changed when I wanted to suprise Rhiannon a day early..so we left Wednesday night to Arrive Thursday morning
Nathan did the epic drive to Sydney again on Tuesday and enjoyed it, this time he had Linh with him (who is a top chick)
On the way Nathan stopped off to meet a Brisbanite who was on his way back from Victoria, original plan was to drive back with Dan but unfortunately there were license issues, licenses expiring to be precise...*shakes fist*
Anyway, they met up at an epic place, had submarines and everything, this place is 'doesn'tafraidofanything-ville'
Dan and Bec saw Nathan and Linh pull up, Dan said "I knew you were Lloyds friend from teh Pedo Bear sticker"
I don't resent that remark, LOL
The simple drive back was good, they arrive around 6 or 7 and it was good to catch up with everyone again :)
Once everyone got up here we chilled, drank some water (fuck it was fucking hot) and chatted.
Not too long after Adam and Jesse arrived with food, fucking legends!!
Not long after that it was time to put on our drinking faces.
I had a few shots of tequila and said "meh, its not doing anything after 4 shots, I won't bother"
Adam had his Johnny Walker and Jesse had his Corona's (which I inherited because he wins, lol)
I lost the sculling contest to Adam....yes, I can't believe it either.
Fast forward a few hours and Linh is asleep as is Bec.
What do 5 20-something year olds do at 2am?
PRANK CALLS!!!
Johnny Tran was calling fuckers up, he wanted a BJ 4dlulz.
Time passed (about 2 hours?) and we all started to call it a night, best prank was the last one, 20 minutes this chick was on teh phone, HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAA FUCKING WIN!
So we all slept, Adam wasn't feeling so good, what do you eat before drinkin?:
Lots
Little bit
A salad
Adam chose the Salad, got tanked, had a good night and chucked.
Was winrar.
The line "suck my dick, I'm a shark" has never been so funneh!
Anyway, we all slept bar Linh and I.
hmmm, time to change track.....tooooo.
Wednesday, a very-fucking-busy-day.
I did eventually sleep, as did Linh, around 6-7am we finally went to sleep after talking and getting to know one another, after all the only time Linh and I had conversed was during darker times over the phone.
Woke up around 10 or so? with everyone going to Maccas for food, I fell back asleep for a little bit, lol.
We all got up, Dan wanted to go to Honbits for some mudflaps and while we were in the area (and Adam and Jesse were getting ready for kick boxing and shiz) I decided to show Nathan, Dan and Bec where the first ever Monthly I organised was.
Felt good to have something to show and we had Ice Cream, which Bec insisted on not having, so I had another one, which I got her to hold.....and eat, lol.
Not long after that Adam and Jesse were ready, we met at 7/11, little did I realise there is nowhere to have a slash, FUCK SAKE!
Anyway, we all headed to that place called....
KINGS CROSS!!
Just to remind you:
For Nathans Tattoo..
What kind of Tattoo?
A simple one really..
Not long after we got there Adam and Jesse had to depart to the art of kicking and boxes.
Dan and Bec had split from us due to the City being shoghey.
They grabbed fuel and I directed them to where we parked.
Not long after that we organised who was doing the tattoo, the price (150 big ones) AND grabbed some grub.
Nathan also saw his first Tranny?
60 year old man, wrinkley as fuck, bald head wearing womans clothes and a wig.
I knew to expect this but Nathan was kinda....mindfucked, which I mind fucked him the previous night thanks to a thread of my own creation, the Confessions thread.
So after we got the print out for his tattoo (net cafe's ftw) and grabbed some grub (visiting maccas twice, fuck yes) we headed to the tattoo place.
A few buzzing noises and it was done, vietnamese sex style, quick and painless.
The result was this (shitty photo alert)
Nathan felt good man, 150 bucks and his first tattoo done!
Now to get home, get ready for Victoria and go-go-GOOOOOOO!
But before we depart?
We must head back to my place so we can pack our cars, Dan and Bec were spoiled from her parents and they got a hotel room or the evening, which is so cash!
Claire had the shits because Dan and Bec slept in my room, pfffft, fuck off.
Not long after we were ready to go!!!
Cars packed [Check]
Bags packed....ok we had to go past mums [Check]
Music [Check]
Food? well we grabbed that on the way.
Not long after we were on the road to Victoria!
Nathan chucked 'Cheer up' on by Reel Big Fish and fuck it felt good man, that cd was on 80% of the trip, we changed CD's but changed back in no time, HAHAHAHAHHAA!
Time to change tracks:
We got on the road-road to Victoria at about 8-ish and we had some driving to do..
Felt so good to know that Rhiannon still had no Idea that midday Thursday she would also be seeing me rather then Friday morning at 8am, hehe.
Nathan, Linh and I had been driving along and had to stop for fuel and ze toilet after a while.
Each time Drunk Again came on Nathan and I belted it out at the top of our lungs, I'm not saying it sounded good but it felt fucking good man!
Not too long after we needed to stop for a bathroom visit again and I called Rhiannon (sneakily told her I was on a cruise with mates...she was also, lol)
See what I did there? lol
I also consumed a certain amount of energy drinks, Monster being one of them.
Nathan and Linh also consumed one each and we all had the same result..
We were sick, me vomiting and Nathan and Linh feeling sick in the stomach, I guess I'm just a bitch lol.
We continued driving until about 1:30ish, I noticed Nathan was doing the 2 finger steering = I'm fucking tired (I'd know, I did that a bit on the way to Brisbane)
So I told him to pull over and let me drive for half an hour while he slept..
Yeah, suspended and driving I know, but he needed sleep.
So Nathan slept for a while and I ended up driving for 2 1/2 hours, we stopped off at Albury to get fuel, stretch our legs and take a wizzard.
We stopped and did our thing...and Nathan and I switched...only moments later him getting pulled over...lol
What caused it?
A Transit van, it seeing Nathan forget to put his headlights on then fiddling with the GPS, it told us to go left as we were in the middle lane....olawd.
He got pulled over, cop was cool actually, didn't tell me to put my smoke out as most cops do AND it was quick and painless, thank fuck.
We continued to drive until about 5am where Nathan couldn't drive anymore nor was I in any state to.
Linh was up and read while we slumbered.
I woke up at 7am, was freezing and realised I didn't pack a Jumper (FML when packing after 3 hours of sleep)
I got up (nipple stags and all) and needed to piss, which was cold also, steam came from it lol.
Nathan slept till 8 and we continued to drive not long after.
What was for breakfast you might ponder?
To add to imagery, Nathan and I would also belt this song out....or atleast I would?
We stopped, stretched our tired legs and continued on, Nathan and I had breakfast and Linh wanted pancakes.
We kept going for a while and before I knew it, time to see that almighty Wizzard...and grab some PANCAKES!!!!
During this time of the wizzard visitation, I discovered the toilets were fucked.
Infact, horribly fucked, there was a Nissan Silvia meet in the toilet....it looked like a skidpan.
...anyway, we were not far out of being in Melbourne, such a good fucking feeling!
We arrive at Nathans place and clearly we're all wrecked, we chilled for a while, had a quick shower and got ready to ninja suprise the beautiful Rhiannon :)
Nathan called Rhiannon and just let her know he was on the way and where to meet him, lol, she didn't see it coming.
We get there and start walking across the road, Rhiannon kinda ruined the suprise, I was going to get her but instead she started walking and saw Nathan and I.
Shock was had, EPIC SHOCK.
She was happy but not happy I suprised her, what can I say, she doesn't like suprises and I knew it LOL
We casually walked and I after a bit of hugs and kisses I explained HOW we planned it, Rhiannon was extra suprised because Nathan doesn't keep secrets (heheheee)
After that we sat in a nice spot and I proceeded to call those who were in on it, lol
Rhiannon called her Mum first to let her know about the Suprise, hehe.
This was an awesome feeling, seeing her face light up was just....so-so very awesome, much like herself.
I was fairly nervous about it but it all came to ease when I saw her green eyes, her black shirt, her jeans and her hair.
She said she looked horrible but I know I looked far worse, HAHAHAHHAHAHAA
I'll stop here and start on part 2 now.
So how did it all start?
Well I've been long overdue to visit this fine state, I've made many friends in the state and I did promise to visit the Mel-burn Ozhonda members for sometime, actually that I would in November which didn't happen.....
But Brisbane and Surfers was totally awesome.
Lets kick this mother off with some Reel Big Fish, EH?!
So, a few weeks before the events of this trip Nathan and I planned something..
Nathan was going to drive 900k's up to Sydney for kisses, cuddles and to hold hands (awww, totally Bromanctic)
Also to get his Tattoo
SO it was set, Nathan was going to come up and we'd arrive in Victoria on Friday..
Well that changed when I wanted to suprise Rhiannon a day early..so we left Wednesday night to Arrive Thursday morning
Nathan did the epic drive to Sydney again on Tuesday and enjoyed it, this time he had Linh with him (who is a top chick)
On the way Nathan stopped off to meet a Brisbanite who was on his way back from Victoria, original plan was to drive back with Dan but unfortunately there were license issues, licenses expiring to be precise...*shakes fist*
Anyway, they met up at an epic place, had submarines and everything, this place is 'doesn'tafraidofanything-ville'
Dan and Bec saw Nathan and Linh pull up, Dan said "I knew you were Lloyds friend from teh Pedo Bear sticker"
I don't resent that remark, LOL
The simple drive back was good, they arrive around 6 or 7 and it was good to catch up with everyone again :)
Once everyone got up here we chilled, drank some water (fuck it was fucking hot) and chatted.
Not too long after Adam and Jesse arrived with food, fucking legends!!
Not long after that it was time to put on our drinking faces.
I had a few shots of tequila and said "meh, its not doing anything after 4 shots, I won't bother"
Adam had his Johnny Walker and Jesse had his Corona's (which I inherited because he wins, lol)
I lost the sculling contest to Adam....yes, I can't believe it either.
Fast forward a few hours and Linh is asleep as is Bec.
What do 5 20-something year olds do at 2am?
PRANK CALLS!!!
Johnny Tran was calling fuckers up, he wanted a BJ 4dlulz.
Time passed (about 2 hours?) and we all started to call it a night, best prank was the last one, 20 minutes this chick was on teh phone, HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAA FUCKING WIN!
So we all slept, Adam wasn't feeling so good, what do you eat before drinkin?:
Lots
Little bit
A salad
Adam chose the Salad, got tanked, had a good night and chucked.
Was winrar.
The line "suck my dick, I'm a shark" has never been so funneh!
Anyway, we all slept bar Linh and I.
hmmm, time to change track.....tooooo.
Wednesday, a very-fucking-busy-day.
I did eventually sleep, as did Linh, around 6-7am we finally went to sleep after talking and getting to know one another, after all the only time Linh and I had conversed was during darker times over the phone.
Woke up around 10 or so? with everyone going to Maccas for food, I fell back asleep for a little bit, lol.
We all got up, Dan wanted to go to Honbits for some mudflaps and while we were in the area (and Adam and Jesse were getting ready for kick boxing and shiz) I decided to show Nathan, Dan and Bec where the first ever Monthly I organised was.
Felt good to have something to show and we had Ice Cream, which Bec insisted on not having, so I had another one, which I got her to hold.....and eat, lol.
Not long after that Adam and Jesse were ready, we met at 7/11, little did I realise there is nowhere to have a slash, FUCK SAKE!
Anyway, we all headed to that place called....
KINGS CROSS!!
Just to remind you:
For Nathans Tattoo..
What kind of Tattoo?
A simple one really..
Not long after we got there Adam and Jesse had to depart to the art of kicking and boxes.
Dan and Bec had split from us due to the City being shoghey.
They grabbed fuel and I directed them to where we parked.
Not long after that we organised who was doing the tattoo, the price (150 big ones) AND grabbed some grub.
Nathan also saw his first Tranny?
60 year old man, wrinkley as fuck, bald head wearing womans clothes and a wig.
I knew to expect this but Nathan was kinda....mindfucked, which I mind fucked him the previous night thanks to a thread of my own creation, the Confessions thread.
So after we got the print out for his tattoo (net cafe's ftw) and grabbed some grub (visiting maccas twice, fuck yes) we headed to the tattoo place.
A few buzzing noises and it was done, vietnamese sex style, quick and painless.
The result was this (shitty photo alert)
Nathan felt good man, 150 bucks and his first tattoo done!
Now to get home, get ready for Victoria and go-go-GOOOOOOO!
But before we depart?
We must head back to my place so we can pack our cars, Dan and Bec were spoiled from her parents and they got a hotel room or the evening, which is so cash!
Claire had the shits because Dan and Bec slept in my room, pfffft, fuck off.
Not long after we were ready to go!!!
Cars packed [Check]
Bags packed....ok we had to go past mums [Check]
Music [Check]
Food? well we grabbed that on the way.
Not long after we were on the road to Victoria!
Nathan chucked 'Cheer up' on by Reel Big Fish and fuck it felt good man, that cd was on 80% of the trip, we changed CD's but changed back in no time, HAHAHAHAHHAA!
Time to change tracks:
We got on the road-road to Victoria at about 8-ish and we had some driving to do..
Felt so good to know that Rhiannon still had no Idea that midday Thursday she would also be seeing me rather then Friday morning at 8am, hehe.
Nathan, Linh and I had been driving along and had to stop for fuel and ze toilet after a while.
Each time Drunk Again came on Nathan and I belted it out at the top of our lungs, I'm not saying it sounded good but it felt fucking good man!
Not too long after we needed to stop for a bathroom visit again and I called Rhiannon (sneakily told her I was on a cruise with mates...she was also, lol)
See what I did there? lol
I also consumed a certain amount of energy drinks, Monster being one of them.
Nathan and Linh also consumed one each and we all had the same result..
We were sick, me vomiting and Nathan and Linh feeling sick in the stomach, I guess I'm just a bitch lol.
We continued driving until about 1:30ish, I noticed Nathan was doing the 2 finger steering = I'm fucking tired (I'd know, I did that a bit on the way to Brisbane)
So I told him to pull over and let me drive for half an hour while he slept..
Yeah, suspended and driving I know, but he needed sleep.
So Nathan slept for a while and I ended up driving for 2 1/2 hours, we stopped off at Albury to get fuel, stretch our legs and take a wizzard.
We stopped and did our thing...and Nathan and I switched...only moments later him getting pulled over...lol
What caused it?
A Transit van, it seeing Nathan forget to put his headlights on then fiddling with the GPS, it told us to go left as we were in the middle lane....olawd.
He got pulled over, cop was cool actually, didn't tell me to put my smoke out as most cops do AND it was quick and painless, thank fuck.
We continued to drive until about 5am where Nathan couldn't drive anymore nor was I in any state to.
Linh was up and read while we slumbered.
I woke up at 7am, was freezing and realised I didn't pack a Jumper (FML when packing after 3 hours of sleep)
I got up (nipple stags and all) and needed to piss, which was cold also, steam came from it lol.
Nathan slept till 8 and we continued to drive not long after.
What was for breakfast you might ponder?
To add to imagery, Nathan and I would also belt this song out....or atleast I would?
We stopped, stretched our tired legs and continued on, Nathan and I had breakfast and Linh wanted pancakes.
We kept going for a while and before I knew it, time to see that almighty Wizzard...and grab some PANCAKES!!!!
During this time of the wizzard visitation, I discovered the toilets were fucked.
Infact, horribly fucked, there was a Nissan Silvia meet in the toilet....it looked like a skidpan.
...anyway, we were not far out of being in Melbourne, such a good fucking feeling!
We arrive at Nathans place and clearly we're all wrecked, we chilled for a while, had a quick shower and got ready to ninja suprise the beautiful Rhiannon :)
Nathan called Rhiannon and just let her know he was on the way and where to meet him, lol, she didn't see it coming.
We get there and start walking across the road, Rhiannon kinda ruined the suprise, I was going to get her but instead she started walking and saw Nathan and I.
Shock was had, EPIC SHOCK.
She was happy but not happy I suprised her, what can I say, she doesn't like suprises and I knew it LOL
We casually walked and I after a bit of hugs and kisses I explained HOW we planned it, Rhiannon was extra suprised because Nathan doesn't keep secrets (heheheee)
After that we sat in a nice spot and I proceeded to call those who were in on it, lol
Rhiannon called her Mum first to let her know about the Suprise, hehe.
This was an awesome feeling, seeing her face light up was just....so-so very awesome, much like herself.
I was fairly nervous about it but it all came to ease when I saw her green eyes, her black shirt, her jeans and her hair.
She said she looked horrible but I know I looked far worse, HAHAHAHHAHAHAA
I'll stop here and start on part 2 now.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Early Morning emotions and spam
Have you ever just been so come over with such emotion and memory it chokes you? was the only way to remove the hand from your throat and allow you to breath was to just to blurt shit into a population of family and friends on facebook?
If you answered 'NO' to the last one you're lucky, very lucky, you're not as stupid as I nor have another dollar bill to your name for being wrong.
This morning I had my random full play-list on, of all songs I had on my computer Johnny Nash played.
Just play the song as you continue to read, eh?
For a bit of history of the song:
It was released in 1972 on an album of the same name by Johnny Nash
Now this was once a song I could love and listen to for hours on end and just love my life, I loved it, I could probably make a day out of it, all I needed was a packet of cigarettes and a way for this song to be punched out extremely loud.
Now I can't, I can't stand the song, it makes me cry, it makes me hurt and it makes me want to yell and scream in an inhumane manner, it makes me connect with my father in the shittiest way possible.
Despite how I now loath this song, last night it started, I knew what it would do to me and I forced myself to listen to it once more, on repeat, for about 4 hours time this morning in pathetic attempt to just feel the moment and cry whatever I could out.
To analyse, Spam = Morphine, it numbs everything.
Last night the morphine and mind numbing of spam didn't work, hence the moltov effect where I just threw that bottle of emotion blindly.
I probably should have just turned the internet off and sat in bed, continued to cry until the wee hours in the morning, but did I? fuck no.
I didn't want to wake everyone with the sound of my yelling, screaming and crying.
Which come to think about it, it'd probably sound like all Super Saiyan transformation in one (providing you watched the Dragon Ball (Z, GT, etc) series)
Now that I have released that, I think its time for ANOTHER Cigarette, I consumed 4-5 while posting that, it took me a good hour or so to write while listening to I can see clearly now.
If you answered 'NO' to the last one you're lucky, very lucky, you're not as stupid as I nor have another dollar bill to your name for being wrong.
This morning I had my random full play-list on, of all songs I had on my computer Johnny Nash played.
Just play the song as you continue to read, eh?
For a bit of history of the song:
It was released in 1972 on an album of the same name by Johnny Nash
Now this was once a song I could love and listen to for hours on end and just love my life, I loved it, I could probably make a day out of it, all I needed was a packet of cigarettes and a way for this song to be punched out extremely loud.
Now I can't, I can't stand the song, it makes me cry, it makes me hurt and it makes me want to yell and scream in an inhumane manner, it makes me connect with my father in the shittiest way possible.
Despite how I now loath this song, last night it started, I knew what it would do to me and I forced myself to listen to it once more, on repeat, for about 4 hours time this morning in pathetic attempt to just feel the moment and cry whatever I could out.
To analyse, Spam = Morphine, it numbs everything.
Last night the morphine and mind numbing of spam didn't work, hence the moltov effect where I just threw that bottle of emotion blindly.
I probably should have just turned the internet off and sat in bed, continued to cry until the wee hours in the morning, but did I? fuck no.
I didn't want to wake everyone with the sound of my yelling, screaming and crying.
Which come to think about it, it'd probably sound like all Super Saiyan transformation in one (providing you watched the Dragon Ball (Z, GT, etc) series)
Now that I have released that, I think its time for ANOTHER Cigarette, I consumed 4-5 while posting that, it took me a good hour or so to write while listening to I can see clearly now.
Another one of those moment.
Driving down to Victoria was good, and yes I drove a little bit of it, about 250k's.
To add some ba-dum-tish here, I drove 900k's for kisses and cuddles, fuck it was awesome.
(not doing the Victoria write up now Arek before you start thinking "FINALLY!!!")
Reel Big Fish, such an epic band, excellent instrumental, excellent lyrics and they can sing about whatever they like and you'll still feel both sides of the song and take in the bad but feel and dance to the good.
Driving down to Victoria Nathan and I had their epic album 'Cheer Up' on.
It was on 80% of the time and it felt good man.
There was one song that we both would just belt out at the top of our lungs regardless (and fuck me it felt good)
Infact, everytime this song was on we would belt it out, hell everytime its on now I need to yell it out!
This song somewhat reminds me of my Father, which hurts, but it being a Reel Big Fish song, there is two sides of the song which makes is why I can bare it.
Just incase you haven't heard it, its Drunk Again, number 16 on the album, go and get the album guys!
Fact with everyone is this:
"If I had a dollar bill for everytime I've been wrong, I'd be a self made millionaire."
I know I would be.
To add some ba-dum-tish here, I drove 900k's for kisses and cuddles, fuck it was awesome.
(not doing the Victoria write up now Arek before you start thinking "FINALLY!!!")
Reel Big Fish, such an epic band, excellent instrumental, excellent lyrics and they can sing about whatever they like and you'll still feel both sides of the song and take in the bad but feel and dance to the good.
Driving down to Victoria Nathan and I had their epic album 'Cheer Up' on.
It was on 80% of the time and it felt good man.
There was one song that we both would just belt out at the top of our lungs regardless (and fuck me it felt good)
Infact, everytime this song was on we would belt it out, hell everytime its on now I need to yell it out!
This song somewhat reminds me of my Father, which hurts, but it being a Reel Big Fish song, there is two sides of the song which makes is why I can bare it.
Just incase you haven't heard it, its Drunk Again, number 16 on the album, go and get the album guys!
Fact with everyone is this:
"If I had a dollar bill for everytime I've been wrong, I'd be a self made millionaire."
I know I would be.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
The Best feeling in the world.
I have returned from Victoria my blog-o-shit followers.
Victoria was quiet an experience frankly, it was good and dare I say it?
Character building?
mmmm, nah not quiet but perhaps it has started something that may adjust whom I am?
Anway, I promise I'll do a brief write up of my time in Mel-burn soon guys and dolls, I've only really got to my premises.
But I felt this was a more pressing issue really.
In life I have experienced alot yet I have recently experienced alot of good versus negative.
Realisation also contributes.
Sadly I didn't have fitting words for this until this afternoon thanks to a facebook status, as usual the un-original shall become changed and.....well, still un-original from my lips somehow.
The status is now changed to the following:
I honestly can't think of more to write right now, perhaps a part II shall follow.
I just want to leave you all with thoughts and supply some Reel Big Fish.
As I listen to this song I know something.
I am loved still, not once, and I know why.
Victoria was quiet an experience frankly, it was good and dare I say it?
Character building?
mmmm, nah not quiet but perhaps it has started something that may adjust whom I am?
Anway, I promise I'll do a brief write up of my time in Mel-burn soon guys and dolls, I've only really got to my premises.
But I felt this was a more pressing issue really.
In life I have experienced alot yet I have recently experienced alot of good versus negative.
Realisation also contributes.
Sadly I didn't have fitting words for this until this afternoon thanks to a facebook status, as usual the un-original shall become changed and.....well, still un-original from my lips somehow.
The status is now changed to the following:
The best thing in life is finding someone who knows all your mistakes, your weaknesses, all of your flaws and still thinks you're completely amazing, special, unique, beautiful and loves you.
I honestly can't think of more to write right now, perhaps a part II shall follow.
I just want to leave you all with thoughts and supply some Reel Big Fish.
As I listen to this song I know something.
I am loved still, not once, and I know why.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Sunday, Bloody Sunday.
So this morning I got up and went for a jog.
I did alot of thinking and feeling during this time, it was a simple 5km jog and I consumed 2 cigarettes during this jog and it wasn't bad.
I found my Metallica CD collection on an old HD this morning and was pleased, listening to Metallica and going for a jog is just good for the soul really.
Whilst jogging I could feel the heat and the slight breeze following me, it felt good on my sweating body and exhausted legs.
Today is one of those days I'd love to get up and go for a run in the Civic, oh how I miss that car.
The roads I travel aren't anything on this
but the feel is still good, the high rev's, the smell of brakes and tyres the end result, a smile from ear to ear and all the problems I had beforehand are now gone.
How I miss the medicine of a twisty run.
/end Lame blog post.
I did alot of thinking and feeling during this time, it was a simple 5km jog and I consumed 2 cigarettes during this jog and it wasn't bad.
I found my Metallica CD collection on an old HD this morning and was pleased, listening to Metallica and going for a jog is just good for the soul really.
Whilst jogging I could feel the heat and the slight breeze following me, it felt good on my sweating body and exhausted legs.
Today is one of those days I'd love to get up and go for a run in the Civic, oh how I miss that car.
The roads I travel aren't anything on this
but the feel is still good, the high rev's, the smell of brakes and tyres the end result, a smile from ear to ear and all the problems I had beforehand are now gone.
How I miss the medicine of a twisty run.
/end Lame blog post.
Friday, January 8, 2010
不眠症
I have re-discovered something that I actually liked about Insomnia.
I love watching the sun rise.
I've always loved it but this morning whilst collecting my thoughts watching it was just so....so awesome.
I kinda miss you Insomnia, though at the same time I like sleep.
I just dislike what it does to me physically.
Last words to Insomnia in Japanese, 性交しなさい
It feels good being able to temporarily beat it.
I love watching the sun rise.
I've always loved it but this morning whilst collecting my thoughts watching it was just so....so awesome.
I kinda miss you Insomnia, though at the same time I like sleep.
I just dislike what it does to me physically.
Last words to Insomnia in Japanese, 性交しなさい
It feels good being able to temporarily beat it.
Comments:
Recently I recieved a shout out from Arek on his "Sincere Apologies" post (which was good to read after some time of no posts)
The shoutout was felt but not necessary.
To cut a long story short, he posted my comment on Facebook (didn't see that coming, seriously)
He was interested in further re-iteration, so re-iterate I shall.
The Comment was:
"Don't forget, you're chasing freedom as we all are, don't be afraid to hurt other people, say what they won't and don't want to hear and remember, don't be afraid to be a Monster and destroy, sometimes it can be the best thing you'll ever do for yourself."
Here is analysing it.
"don't be afraid to hurt other people"
I have a saying in life, its "Live life without regret"
In reality this line is me, I won't do or say something and regret it later, that may make the line more clear, if not:
You're going to live once, you're going to live it, you're going to love, you're going to be loved, be hated and hate others in this thing we call 'life', don't live life with regrets or sorrow, make your decision and don't you fucking dare look back and regret it!
If you're hurting other people don't be afraid to do it, just do it there and then, crush them there and then without mercy if necessary, in reality hiding this will only hurt yourself and not allow you to live life without regret, the more you hide it the more its going to hurt them when you destroy them, lets not forget you.
"say what they won't and don't want to hear"
In the back of your mind you know what people around you want to hear and what they don't.
Have you ever informed someone of reality, how life is and then smacked them in the face with the fact that you want nothing to do with them?
Lets not forget further re-iterating to them WHY.
Now, have you ever told them that to their face?
You see it in their eyes, in their tears, in their soft cries.
Depending on the person, holding back that smile and laughter is the hardest thing to do at this point, what you have done was right, but so wrong to them, but you just did it and could dance ontop of a street light.
You've destroyed them, you've told them what they don't want to hear and you loved it.
Have you ever been told the worst news of your life to date?
You were destroyed, right?
You may not have shed tears, no doubt you did but your once strong wall is gone forever, you're left with a hard hat, some cement and the bricks.
My Mother didn't want to tell me this nor did I want to hear it at the time, she knew what she had to do regardless and wasn't afraid to do so.
and "remember, don't be afraid to be a Monster and destroy, sometimes it can be the best thing you'll ever do for yourself"
It speaks for itself really.
Don't be afraid to be that person you hate, the heartless monster, the destroyer of a person who leaves them to rebuild themselves (not for someone else to rebuild)
I'll refer to this/them as a fuck;
Sometimes being this fuck is the best thing you're going to do for yourself, becoming and being this fuck will hurt you equally but when you look back at it, you'll smile, you'll laugh, you'll hug them then want to destroy them.
The shoutout was felt but not necessary.
To cut a long story short, he posted my comment on Facebook (didn't see that coming, seriously)
He was interested in further re-iteration, so re-iterate I shall.
The Comment was:
"Don't forget, you're chasing freedom as we all are, don't be afraid to hurt other people, say what they won't and don't want to hear and remember, don't be afraid to be a Monster and destroy, sometimes it can be the best thing you'll ever do for yourself."
Here is analysing it.
"don't be afraid to hurt other people"
I have a saying in life, its "Live life without regret"
In reality this line is me, I won't do or say something and regret it later, that may make the line more clear, if not:
You're going to live once, you're going to live it, you're going to love, you're going to be loved, be hated and hate others in this thing we call 'life', don't live life with regrets or sorrow, make your decision and don't you fucking dare look back and regret it!
If you're hurting other people don't be afraid to do it, just do it there and then, crush them there and then without mercy if necessary, in reality hiding this will only hurt yourself and not allow you to live life without regret, the more you hide it the more its going to hurt them when you destroy them, lets not forget you.
"say what they won't and don't want to hear"
In the back of your mind you know what people around you want to hear and what they don't.
Have you ever informed someone of reality, how life is and then smacked them in the face with the fact that you want nothing to do with them?
Lets not forget further re-iterating to them WHY.
Now, have you ever told them that to their face?
You see it in their eyes, in their tears, in their soft cries.
Depending on the person, holding back that smile and laughter is the hardest thing to do at this point, what you have done was right, but so wrong to them, but you just did it and could dance ontop of a street light.
You've destroyed them, you've told them what they don't want to hear and you loved it.
Have you ever been told the worst news of your life to date?
You were destroyed, right?
You may not have shed tears, no doubt you did but your once strong wall is gone forever, you're left with a hard hat, some cement and the bricks.
My Mother didn't want to tell me this nor did I want to hear it at the time, she knew what she had to do regardless and wasn't afraid to do so.
and "remember, don't be afraid to be a Monster and destroy, sometimes it can be the best thing you'll ever do for yourself"
It speaks for itself really.
Don't be afraid to be that person you hate, the heartless monster, the destroyer of a person who leaves them to rebuild themselves (not for someone else to rebuild)
I'll refer to this/them as a fuck;
Sometimes being this fuck is the best thing you're going to do for yourself, becoming and being this fuck will hurt you equally but when you look back at it, you'll smile, you'll laugh, you'll hug them then want to destroy them.
8===========>
This evening I had one of those moments that I'll no doubt continue to blog about until this very blog dies in the destruction and end of the internet being found.
Anyway, Today has been a fairly 'meh' day, not too good, not too bad.
Commercial cleaning is over thank fuck and next week is almost here, its going to be epic.
Anyway, what made my day horrid yet oh so wonderful was this.
My Mother and I had just finished cleaning the first of three places we had to clean this evening, the Radio was on and it was 2GO 107.7 (Gosford station, its good stuff guys) and they had their top 30 list or something?
A familiar voice turned on, Sugar Ray.
Naturally I turned the volume up to 15, Believe it or not Ford Territory stereo systems aren't too bad.
I love Sugar Ray, it was on my list of groups I couldn't listen to because of Dads passing, eventually listened to them but somehow skipped a song?
It was Every Morning by them, I somehow missed this song, I know if I did hear it beforehand I would have bawwwwed for hours.
To give this song some purpose, Dad and I used to drive and this song would come on in '99.
Dad loved this song, this was leaks of former Dad appearing, oh how my young self couldn't appreciate the off-tone singing, little did I know back then that I'd miss it years later.
Last time this song was on for us was one quiet night where we went for a drive to Palm Beach whilst I was on my L's which we sung off-tone and loudly.
Hearing the song this evening was hard as you'd know, I'm making a post after all.
I turned the volume up as mentioned previous, the song started and I was chocked with tears and managed to muster "this song reminds me of Dad"
Shortly it was followed by tears and that sought you make when crying and in extreme pain.
I don't think Mums ever seen me in such a state, let alone over a song by Sugar Ray.
It fucking hurt so much, my heart felt like it was in a G-clamp and know what?
I loved it.
Here's the song guys.
Anyway, Today has been a fairly 'meh' day, not too good, not too bad.
Commercial cleaning is over thank fuck and next week is almost here, its going to be epic.
Anyway, what made my day horrid yet oh so wonderful was this.
My Mother and I had just finished cleaning the first of three places we had to clean this evening, the Radio was on and it was 2GO 107.7 (Gosford station, its good stuff guys) and they had their top 30 list or something?
A familiar voice turned on, Sugar Ray.
Naturally I turned the volume up to 15, Believe it or not Ford Territory stereo systems aren't too bad.
I love Sugar Ray, it was on my list of groups I couldn't listen to because of Dads passing, eventually listened to them but somehow skipped a song?
It was Every Morning by them, I somehow missed this song, I know if I did hear it beforehand I would have bawwwwed for hours.
To give this song some purpose, Dad and I used to drive and this song would come on in '99.
Dad loved this song, this was leaks of former Dad appearing, oh how my young self couldn't appreciate the off-tone singing, little did I know back then that I'd miss it years later.
Last time this song was on for us was one quiet night where we went for a drive to Palm Beach whilst I was on my L's which we sung off-tone and loudly.
Hearing the song this evening was hard as you'd know, I'm making a post after all.
I turned the volume up as mentioned previous, the song started and I was chocked with tears and managed to muster "this song reminds me of Dad"
Shortly it was followed by tears and that sought you make when crying and in extreme pain.
I don't think Mums ever seen me in such a state, let alone over a song by Sugar Ray.
It fucking hurt so much, my heart felt like it was in a G-clamp and know what?
I loved it.
Here's the song guys.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Psychotic, Deep and Dark with Traces of Heart and Writers Block
As some may have noticed, I finally have a half decent Banner.
I noticed my good mate Arek (link to ze mans blog) had an awesome Banner, so I figured why not and asked him how to make one?
Arek and I go back a bit, we used to actually go to high school together, believe it or not we got back in touch after high school thanks to a forum called flawedmst and its very own spam thread.
Me being Me, I spam, everywhere....alot.
He has been very quiet lately with the amount of shit he has going on, though its good to know he has found inspiration again and is still 'chasing freedom' if you will.
He explained the simple process to me and I do appreciate him taking the time out to explain it.
Once I let it sink in I cracked open the shop and got to work, I didn't want it to be overly busy yet I didn't want it to be overly complex.
Bare in mine the Banner isn't exactly what I had in mind, its simple and works for the time being until I want to break out hard on Photoshop.
Thanks for the help Arek, you're Legen-
DARY.
I noticed my good mate Arek (link to ze mans blog) had an awesome Banner, so I figured why not and asked him how to make one?
Arek and I go back a bit, we used to actually go to high school together, believe it or not we got back in touch after high school thanks to a forum called flawedmst and its very own spam thread.
Me being Me, I spam, everywhere....alot.
He has been very quiet lately with the amount of shit he has going on, though its good to know he has found inspiration again and is still 'chasing freedom' if you will.
He explained the simple process to me and I do appreciate him taking the time out to explain it.
Once I let it sink in I cracked open the shop and got to work, I didn't want it to be overly busy yet I didn't want it to be overly complex.
Bare in mine the Banner isn't exactly what I had in mind, its simple and works for the time being until I want to break out hard on Photoshop.
Thanks for the help Arek, you're Legen-
DARY.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
13/12/08 - 17/5/09 - 08 20/12/09
To some people a year is a long time and to others its short.
2009 in question (and the leading up to it) has been the longest year of my life, it feels good its over, it feels good that the next century is going to deliver something other then constant kick-to-balls action.
Like sure, having my balls played with ain't bad (just sayin') but kicked, no, dislike.
I was going through my old photo's and had my head absolutely raped by my appearance and how its changed oh-so-much.
To go back in memory, I remember back in late 2008 I was in my prime for event organising, I had just organised my 8th Monthly for Sydney, it was an absolute MASSIVE meet, everyone had a good time, everyone got along and ate, had a joke and we all chilled.
It was simply awesome, to this day I feel it was my most successful meet beside the first meet and the last Monthly.
It was the meet that kept me organising for some time, even after Dads suicide (I did one or two more AFTER he passed) and funnily enough, seeing these pictures and remembering makes me want to do it once again.
During the meet Dad gave me a call and asked how the meet was going and how the sunburn was, he could hear the amount of people and knew it was going off, shame he couldn't be there.
December 2008
I look at it like this, I won't waste my time with Sydney, I will patiently wait for my move to Brisbane then Darryl and I will organise together.
It will be ultimate.
Not long after that meet I started working for a place called Modern Solar, good job, shit pay but I did well there, climbed the corporate ladder discretely, quickly and efficently.
For the first (and last) time ever an OzHonda monthly of my organising would have food I actually paid for, LOL.
This was also a truly an epic meet, this also makes me want to keep organising, easily 150+ people showed up to this event and I was so proud of myself for being able to organise despite all the shit thats been going on.
The carpark had 78 spots, people double and triple parked, people did laps to try and get parking for this event, it was truly priceless and epic.
May 2009
Not so long after this meet I went to Queensland to see my Family and Participate in the Epic Annual July Cruise, sadly not long after that (Once I returned home) I lost my license, I lost my car, On the weekend of that bullshit happening my Grandfather was taken to hospital and to top it off, I was fired on that Tuesday where I had the Monday off.
Truly the perfect example of "2009-FML"
Now bare in mind this, in the last picture I was an easy 150kilo's (no doubt same or just off in the last picture)
Now of course in July I decided I needed to fucking lose some weight, I started doing walks at night just to help me out and watched what I ate a little more.
I got on the scales and my weight, 145kilos
Sadly I haven't had real employment since Modern and have tried my fucking hardest to.
Here we are at another Meet I've organised, the Honda Swap Meet which was quiet a success.
40-ish people who came to sell parts, have a laugh and grab a sausage.
We all pretty much knew eachother which was good.
Was good to catch up with mates who I haven't seen in months
December 2009
I'm now down to 111.9, though was 110 on the dot on Christmas Eve.
Having this headfuck was awesome, looking at that last photo I feel as though I do appeal to females now, feels good man.
2009 in question (and the leading up to it) has been the longest year of my life, it feels good its over, it feels good that the next century is going to deliver something other then constant kick-to-balls action.
Like sure, having my balls played with ain't bad (just sayin') but kicked, no, dislike.
I was going through my old photo's and had my head absolutely raped by my appearance and how its changed oh-so-much.
To go back in memory, I remember back in late 2008 I was in my prime for event organising, I had just organised my 8th Monthly for Sydney, it was an absolute MASSIVE meet, everyone had a good time, everyone got along and ate, had a joke and we all chilled.
It was simply awesome, to this day I feel it was my most successful meet beside the first meet and the last Monthly.
It was the meet that kept me organising for some time, even after Dads suicide (I did one or two more AFTER he passed) and funnily enough, seeing these pictures and remembering makes me want to do it once again.
During the meet Dad gave me a call and asked how the meet was going and how the sunburn was, he could hear the amount of people and knew it was going off, shame he couldn't be there.
December 2008
I look at it like this, I won't waste my time with Sydney, I will patiently wait for my move to Brisbane then Darryl and I will organise together.
It will be ultimate.
Not long after that meet I started working for a place called Modern Solar, good job, shit pay but I did well there, climbed the corporate ladder discretely, quickly and efficently.
For the first (and last) time ever an OzHonda monthly of my organising would have food I actually paid for, LOL.
This was also a truly an epic meet, this also makes me want to keep organising, easily 150+ people showed up to this event and I was so proud of myself for being able to organise despite all the shit thats been going on.
The carpark had 78 spots, people double and triple parked, people did laps to try and get parking for this event, it was truly priceless and epic.
May 2009
Not so long after this meet I went to Queensland to see my Family and Participate in the Epic Annual July Cruise, sadly not long after that (Once I returned home) I lost my license, I lost my car, On the weekend of that bullshit happening my Grandfather was taken to hospital and to top it off, I was fired on that Tuesday where I had the Monday off.
Truly the perfect example of "2009-FML"
Now bare in mind this, in the last picture I was an easy 150kilo's (no doubt same or just off in the last picture)
Now of course in July I decided I needed to fucking lose some weight, I started doing walks at night just to help me out and watched what I ate a little more.
I got on the scales and my weight, 145kilos
Sadly I haven't had real employment since Modern and have tried my fucking hardest to.
Here we are at another Meet I've organised, the Honda Swap Meet which was quiet a success.
40-ish people who came to sell parts, have a laugh and grab a sausage.
We all pretty much knew eachother which was good.
Was good to catch up with mates who I haven't seen in months
December 2009
I'm now down to 111.9, though was 110 on the dot on Christmas Eve.
Having this headfuck was awesome, looking at that last photo I feel as though I do appeal to females now, feels good man.
Friday, January 1, 2010
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
