WHAT A FUCKING DAY!!
It was reasonably eventless....
who am I kidding, Rolling fucking newspapers is boring as all fuck BUT
Organising a job interview for next Friday.....oh it gets better, IN BRISBANE JUST MAKES IT THAT FUCKING DAY
I'm in ECSTASY RIGHT NOW!!
As you read this you should hear me screaming!
I'm incredibly happy right now, this is better then the endorphin release I'd get from cumming four or five times in the span of 2 hours!!!
MY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD
I'm going to have to have a few drinks tonight to calm myself down or else I won't sleep
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Valium Times Day
Another one of those things where I rename events/holidays of the year
Christmas is Christ-mass to me and Valentines day is Valium Times Day.
To jump straight into this I have experienced alot lately, most not to reach the blog for some time, by then it won't seem important.
The man whom is Chasing Freedom reminded me of something tonight in his tired and exhausted state, I need to sit and write something down that will result in a blog post.
Well, it was in the back of my mind, much like the recent events one day will be at the back of my mind and it will all be memories enjoyed with a fine drink of Jack and Coke or Bacardi One Five One.
What happened one may ask?
Many things.
One thing that I will keep between myself and another person on my part, the matter has no business being here nor anywhere else frankly, I feel it doesn't belong anywhere accept between this person and I and I am severly disappointed in her attempts to bring others into it, nor can I blame her.
So, quick progress reports?
I got banned from Ozhonda for 3 days, during this time I also got another month.
What did I do?
I posted a picture of Becju (which I will do NOW)
That resulted in a 3 day Ban.
Then I chose (I knew what I was doing, I knew what the results were going to be) to post from another account.
Lauren was her name, I trolled with an introduction thread with this lady.
to Further the trolling at the time I used this image.
Anyway...thats explained now
During this 1 month Ban alot happened, I went to Victoria as readers know, I went home, I lived life, I continued the never ending search.
What search?
I wasn't Chasing Freedom, I did what I seem to do best, chasing reality and hurt, its not easy when also trip on truth, mourning and most of all being able to let it all out once again.
on one evening I actually found myself screaming and crying, my arms were flexed, my back hunched, my legs having a spasm in pain and lust as I screamed as loud as I could, I also woke my mother doing this.
She wondered to the Veranda, my appearance would have said enough, she whispered to me "feel a little better" I replied "It wasn't near enough"
I wasn't screaming a profanity nor was I screaming a word, just the sort of scream you would scream as a teenager as your head is under a pillow and you wish you could just die already.
Despite my self loathing and cry out to talk I did some of this on my own, I had many nights where there was no sleep, there was just cigarettes, tears and scolding showers.
It took a toll on my body and I loved the fine smell of self destruction once again, disgusting but true.
The smell of self destruction is the same as depression, the only difference is that it washes off easily the next day.
All of Valentines day I had many thoughts running through my head, some with a smile, some not.
Alot was on my mind, one question rose, will I hurt another unintentionally?
I guess what I said on Arek's blog post was correct, being a monster can be the best thing you can do.
In among this I also had questions about where am I going in life, my Father (also if he would be proud of me for once), my grandmother and my grandfather, after all they met on this day and wed a year later exactly.
I didn't see it coming but there was pain coming for me, pain and pleasure, not from the same source but it was going to be wrapped in one little envelope.
The funny thing about it, is that people that know me well they can see through me, no matter how long they've known me I have habbits and it makes me transparent.
Tania noticed one thing and asked if I was ok, I blatantly lied and said I was fine.
I just had shit on my mind at the time but didn't wish to unload on her (if you know what I mean)
Monday Morning after dropped Jen off to the airport my Mum and I had the radio on, a song came on that reminded me of Dad came on.
Everytime we'd be driving and this song turned on he'd either change the station or would cry.
I know that this song reminded Dad of my mother, now this song sadly reminds me of my Father hence why I cry or have to change the station now.
But as I sit here torturing myself and force myself through the pain it feels good to cry, it feels good to hurt.
[edit] I'm not only reminded of Dad but other things, other feelings, another pain and pleasure.
To cut this post short rather then ramble, I'll end it with the song.
Simply Red - Stars.
Christmas is Christ-mass to me and Valentines day is Valium Times Day.
To jump straight into this I have experienced alot lately, most not to reach the blog for some time, by then it won't seem important.
The man whom is Chasing Freedom reminded me of something tonight in his tired and exhausted state, I need to sit and write something down that will result in a blog post.
Well, it was in the back of my mind, much like the recent events one day will be at the back of my mind and it will all be memories enjoyed with a fine drink of Jack and Coke or Bacardi One Five One.
What happened one may ask?
Many things.
One thing that I will keep between myself and another person on my part, the matter has no business being here nor anywhere else frankly, I feel it doesn't belong anywhere accept between this person and I and I am severly disappointed in her attempts to bring others into it, nor can I blame her.
So, quick progress reports?
I got banned from Ozhonda for 3 days, during this time I also got another month.
What did I do?
I posted a picture of Becju (which I will do NOW)
That resulted in a 3 day Ban.
Then I chose (I knew what I was doing, I knew what the results were going to be) to post from another account.
Lauren was her name, I trolled with an introduction thread with this lady.
to Further the trolling at the time I used this image.
Anyway...thats explained now
During this 1 month Ban alot happened, I went to Victoria as readers know, I went home, I lived life, I continued the never ending search.
What search?
I wasn't Chasing Freedom, I did what I seem to do best, chasing reality and hurt, its not easy when also trip on truth, mourning and most of all being able to let it all out once again.
on one evening I actually found myself screaming and crying, my arms were flexed, my back hunched, my legs having a spasm in pain and lust as I screamed as loud as I could, I also woke my mother doing this.
She wondered to the Veranda, my appearance would have said enough, she whispered to me "feel a little better" I replied "It wasn't near enough"
I wasn't screaming a profanity nor was I screaming a word, just the sort of scream you would scream as a teenager as your head is under a pillow and you wish you could just die already.
Despite my self loathing and cry out to talk I did some of this on my own, I had many nights where there was no sleep, there was just cigarettes, tears and scolding showers.
It took a toll on my body and I loved the fine smell of self destruction once again, disgusting but true.
The smell of self destruction is the same as depression, the only difference is that it washes off easily the next day.
All of Valentines day I had many thoughts running through my head, some with a smile, some not.
Alot was on my mind, one question rose, will I hurt another unintentionally?
I guess what I said on Arek's blog post was correct, being a monster can be the best thing you can do.
In among this I also had questions about where am I going in life, my Father (also if he would be proud of me for once), my grandmother and my grandfather, after all they met on this day and wed a year later exactly.
I didn't see it coming but there was pain coming for me, pain and pleasure, not from the same source but it was going to be wrapped in one little envelope.
The funny thing about it, is that people that know me well they can see through me, no matter how long they've known me I have habbits and it makes me transparent.
Tania noticed one thing and asked if I was ok, I blatantly lied and said I was fine.
I just had shit on my mind at the time but didn't wish to unload on her (if you know what I mean)
Monday Morning after dropped Jen off to the airport my Mum and I had the radio on, a song came on that reminded me of Dad came on.
Everytime we'd be driving and this song turned on he'd either change the station or would cry.
I know that this song reminded Dad of my mother, now this song sadly reminds me of my Father hence why I cry or have to change the station now.
But as I sit here torturing myself and force myself through the pain it feels good to cry, it feels good to hurt.
[edit] I'm not only reminded of Dad but other things, other feelings, another pain and pleasure.
To cut this post short rather then ramble, I'll end it with the song.
Simply Red - Stars.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
A new beginning, the beginning to the end?
I haven't blogged in some time, now have I?
Typical question to pass my lips, did you miss me?
Don't answer that, its retorical.
Lately alot has been going on, shit, I really need to just sit down and write and let it be?
No doubt it'll all be lost in my head somewhere, stored, bottled and one day explode.
One of the things that happened was it was my Fathers Birthday recently, the 6th of this month to be precise.
I have so much to write, yet so little to write on the subject.
All I want to say at this stage is Happy belated Birthday to him, sure I said Happy Birthday on facebook, I did want to write happy birthday here but no time plus no net equals fuck no.
So Mathmatically:
Write happy Birthday
-Time
-Internet
-----------
Fuck No
To cut this short, Happy Birthday Mark Hugh Buckridge, you would have been 43, you're sorely missed everyday and though I mourn the loss of your life and presence (or lack there of), I celebrate the life you lead and learnt.
Maybe, just maybe you would've considered reincarnation before you swallowed those pills?
Its wierd knowing that when my Father was not far from my age in no time he'd have a son, a daughter and a family to think about, about 20 years ago really frightens me a little.
Why does it frighten me?
You have a defining moment in your life when you realise you're like one parent more then the other, I had that moment when I cut my hair off.
I always looked like my mother with the hair, I cut it off and looked in the mirror and started to cry.
Who was I looking at?
Mark Fuckridge.
The calender fact it was my Fathers Birthday, the fact I wasn't able to call him to wish him a happy birthday stirred alot in my family and even more in myself.
Sleepless nights of thinking, crying, thinking and then crying again usually followed.
You know your head is fucked when you have a plan ready:
Shower
Have a fap in the shower
Have a smoke
Go to sleep
but the plan turns into this:
Shower
Think of your father
Start designing a new tattoo in your head to represent the new beginning in life you're about to recieve
Cry
Cry
Cry
Dick goes limp
Have a smoke still crying
Go to bed
Cry more
Think
Cry
Cry
Cry
8am
Thinking about the topic of 'fuck, dad was 23 when I was born' brought on a few memories and good times with Dad, it also brought tears with a good laugh.
One of them was a conversation Dad and I would always have whenever sex was on topic:
"Lloyd!"
"....Son"
"Mark?"
"Lloyd, You know...-"
"I know little yet alot for a life of my time."
"You know I'm too young to be a grandfather, right?"
"Dad, I'm not going to follow in your footsteps, I don't want kids until I'm alot older and alot more stable, frankly whatever happens in life happens dad, I promise I'm not going to purposely make you a grandfather Dad, and yes I put condoms on everytime, I'll have a fap before I go bare" (literally said fap and he knew the meaning)
"Thats all I wanted to hear son"
"I know, and I meant it"
(Never had a pregnancy scare in my life, almost always wore a condom and whenever I haven't said female was on the pill, I didn't cum in her and I tested myself after)
Frankly, I would murder and then offer myself to have this conversation with him again one more time in-person, but not in my mind, physically.
Its hard living with the first year after someone dies, whoever said "The first year is the hardest" was full of shit, its not, everyday after is.
I once said this to Arek, and yes I was full of shit without knowing it, sadly something you get told time and time again and say it time and time again, but until you experience it you don't really know the truth on the line.
Dads Birthday?
Well we celebrated with my Uncle Kerlie (not blood uncle but Dads best mate) and had a BBQ.
Kerlie and I consumed alcohol, my mother was her usual abusive towards me self, I smoked cigarettes (which Kerlie didn't know I smoked) and there was a beautiful view.
A moment I wish I could erase from my brain was this.
I know I kinda look like my father, minus the piercings and I'm basically him.
Kerlie spotted me get out of the car and said to himself "Bucko's home"
When Mum and I got to his house he was a bit teary eyed, he didn't need to tell me why, I already knew, after all I had looked in the mirror that morning and cried whilst brushing my teeth.
Sadly the reality of my father committing suicide to him is big, he isn't eluded by it but there is something in him screaming "THIS IS NOT REAL, ITS A DREAM, HE WOULDN'T DO THIS TO HIMSELF NOR I"
Reality is he did, being on both sides of the realities and facts is hard.
We didn't mourn his death on this day, we celebrated his life and celebrated my dad would have loved, a BBQ and a few drinks.
I've concluded something that I have not done for some months, I'm down to 91 problems (wow...progress?)
The problem was simple, realising potential?
If I can destroy an old saying with knowledge and experience, I can then destroy or rebuild lots of things with my experiences and knowledge.
Now I need someone to see my potential and give me a paying job so I can get my ass up to the fine place of Brisbane.
I'm putting the initiative in and hopefully it'll pay my efforts back sooner then later.
I miss you Dad, I miss you with all of my love and hate for you.
I didn't like Slipknot until I heard this song, the song is Circle and I instantly connected with Mark Buckridge, my Father and everything that his Suicide brought to me.
This is what caught me the most:
All that I wanted were things I had before
All that I needed, I never needed more
All of my questions were answers to my sins
All of my endings are waiting to begin
Once I find my drawing book and pencils I can start doing something else constructive, I will start designing another Rose Tattoo for myself, I forsee my Right arm turning into a Rose/Flower sleeve with only 2 Roses on the arm actually being coloured.
Typical question to pass my lips, did you miss me?
Don't answer that, its retorical.
Lately alot has been going on, shit, I really need to just sit down and write and let it be?
No doubt it'll all be lost in my head somewhere, stored, bottled and one day explode.
One of the things that happened was it was my Fathers Birthday recently, the 6th of this month to be precise.
I have so much to write, yet so little to write on the subject.
All I want to say at this stage is Happy belated Birthday to him, sure I said Happy Birthday on facebook, I did want to write happy birthday here but no time plus no net equals fuck no.
So Mathmatically:
Write happy Birthday
-Time
-Internet
-----------
Fuck No
To cut this short, Happy Birthday Mark Hugh Buckridge, you would have been 43, you're sorely missed everyday and though I mourn the loss of your life and presence (or lack there of), I celebrate the life you lead and learnt.
Maybe, just maybe you would've considered reincarnation before you swallowed those pills?
Its wierd knowing that when my Father was not far from my age in no time he'd have a son, a daughter and a family to think about, about 20 years ago really frightens me a little.
Why does it frighten me?
You have a defining moment in your life when you realise you're like one parent more then the other, I had that moment when I cut my hair off.
I always looked like my mother with the hair, I cut it off and looked in the mirror and started to cry.
Who was I looking at?
Mark Fuckridge.
The calender fact it was my Fathers Birthday, the fact I wasn't able to call him to wish him a happy birthday stirred alot in my family and even more in myself.
Sleepless nights of thinking, crying, thinking and then crying again usually followed.
You know your head is fucked when you have a plan ready:
Shower
Have a fap in the shower
Have a smoke
Go to sleep
but the plan turns into this:
Shower
Think of your father
Start designing a new tattoo in your head to represent the new beginning in life you're about to recieve
Cry
Cry
Cry
Dick goes limp
Have a smoke still crying
Go to bed
Cry more
Think
Cry
Cry
Cry
8am
Thinking about the topic of 'fuck, dad was 23 when I was born' brought on a few memories and good times with Dad, it also brought tears with a good laugh.
One of them was a conversation Dad and I would always have whenever sex was on topic:
"Lloyd!"
"....Son"
"Mark?"
"Lloyd, You know...-"
"I know little yet alot for a life of my time."
"You know I'm too young to be a grandfather, right?"
"Dad, I'm not going to follow in your footsteps, I don't want kids until I'm alot older and alot more stable, frankly whatever happens in life happens dad, I promise I'm not going to purposely make you a grandfather Dad, and yes I put condoms on everytime, I'll have a fap before I go bare" (literally said fap and he knew the meaning)
"Thats all I wanted to hear son"
"I know, and I meant it"
(Never had a pregnancy scare in my life, almost always wore a condom and whenever I haven't said female was on the pill, I didn't cum in her and I tested myself after)
Frankly, I would murder and then offer myself to have this conversation with him again one more time in-person, but not in my mind, physically.
Its hard living with the first year after someone dies, whoever said "The first year is the hardest" was full of shit, its not, everyday after is.
I once said this to Arek, and yes I was full of shit without knowing it, sadly something you get told time and time again and say it time and time again, but until you experience it you don't really know the truth on the line.
Dads Birthday?
Well we celebrated with my Uncle Kerlie (not blood uncle but Dads best mate) and had a BBQ.
Kerlie and I consumed alcohol, my mother was her usual abusive towards me self, I smoked cigarettes (which Kerlie didn't know I smoked) and there was a beautiful view.
A moment I wish I could erase from my brain was this.
I know I kinda look like my father, minus the piercings and I'm basically him.
Kerlie spotted me get out of the car and said to himself "Bucko's home"
When Mum and I got to his house he was a bit teary eyed, he didn't need to tell me why, I already knew, after all I had looked in the mirror that morning and cried whilst brushing my teeth.
Sadly the reality of my father committing suicide to him is big, he isn't eluded by it but there is something in him screaming "THIS IS NOT REAL, ITS A DREAM, HE WOULDN'T DO THIS TO HIMSELF NOR I"
Reality is he did, being on both sides of the realities and facts is hard.
We didn't mourn his death on this day, we celebrated his life and celebrated my dad would have loved, a BBQ and a few drinks.
I've concluded something that I have not done for some months, I'm down to 91 problems (wow...progress?)
The problem was simple, realising potential?
If I can destroy an old saying with knowledge and experience, I can then destroy or rebuild lots of things with my experiences and knowledge.
Now I need someone to see my potential and give me a paying job so I can get my ass up to the fine place of Brisbane.
I'm putting the initiative in and hopefully it'll pay my efforts back sooner then later.
I miss you Dad, I miss you with all of my love and hate for you.
I didn't like Slipknot until I heard this song, the song is Circle and I instantly connected with Mark Buckridge, my Father and everything that his Suicide brought to me.
This is what caught me the most:
All that I wanted were things I had before
All that I needed, I never needed more
All of my questions were answers to my sins
All of my endings are waiting to begin
Once I find my drawing book and pencils I can start doing something else constructive, I will start designing another Rose Tattoo for myself, I forsee my Right arm turning into a Rose/Flower sleeve with only 2 Roses on the arm actually being coloured.
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