Typical question to pass my lips, did you miss me?
Don't answer that, its retorical.
Lately alot has been going on, shit, I really need to just sit down and write and let it be?
No doubt it'll all be lost in my head somewhere, stored, bottled and one day explode.
One of the things that happened was it was my Fathers Birthday recently, the 6th of this month to be precise.
I have so much to write, yet so little to write on the subject.
All I want to say at this stage is Happy belated Birthday to him, sure I said Happy Birthday on facebook, I did want to write happy birthday here but no time plus no net equals fuck no.
So Mathmatically:
Write happy Birthday
-Time
-Internet
-----------
Fuck No
To cut this short, Happy Birthday Mark Hugh Buckridge, you would have been 43, you're sorely missed everyday and though I mourn the loss of your life and presence (or lack there of), I celebrate the life you lead and learnt.
Maybe, just maybe you would've considered reincarnation before you swallowed those pills?
Its wierd knowing that when my Father was not far from my age in no time he'd have a son, a daughter and a family to think about, about 20 years ago really frightens me a little.
Why does it frighten me?
You have a defining moment in your life when you realise you're like one parent more then the other, I had that moment when I cut my hair off.
I always looked like my mother with the hair, I cut it off and looked in the mirror and started to cry.
Who was I looking at?
Mark Fuckridge.
The calender fact it was my Fathers Birthday, the fact I wasn't able to call him to wish him a happy birthday stirred alot in my family and even more in myself.
Sleepless nights of thinking, crying, thinking and then crying again usually followed.
You know your head is fucked when you have a plan ready:
Shower
Have a fap in the shower
Have a smoke
Go to sleep
but the plan turns into this:
Shower
Think of your father
Start designing a new tattoo in your head to represent the new beginning in life you're about to recieve
Cry
Cry
Cry
Dick goes limp
Have a smoke still crying
Go to bed
Cry more
Think
Cry
Cry
Cry
8am
Thinking about the topic of 'fuck, dad was 23 when I was born' brought on a few memories and good times with Dad, it also brought tears with a good laugh.
One of them was a conversation Dad and I would always have whenever sex was on topic:
"Lloyd!"
"....Son"
"Mark?"
"Lloyd, You know...-"
"I know little yet alot for a life of my time."
"You know I'm too young to be a grandfather, right?"
"Dad, I'm not going to follow in your footsteps, I don't want kids until I'm alot older and alot more stable, frankly whatever happens in life happens dad, I promise I'm not going to purposely make you a grandfather Dad, and yes I put condoms on everytime, I'll have a fap before I go bare" (literally said fap and he knew the meaning)
"Thats all I wanted to hear son"
"I know, and I meant it"
(Never had a pregnancy scare in my life, almost always wore a condom and whenever I haven't said female was on the pill, I didn't cum in her and I tested myself after)
Frankly, I would murder and then offer myself to have this conversation with him again one more time in-person, but not in my mind, physically.
Its hard living with the first year after someone dies, whoever said "The first year is the hardest" was full of shit, its not, everyday after is.
I once said this to Arek, and yes I was full of shit without knowing it, sadly something you get told time and time again and say it time and time again, but until you experience it you don't really know the truth on the line.
Dads Birthday?
Well we celebrated with my Uncle Kerlie (not blood uncle but Dads best mate) and had a BBQ.
Kerlie and I consumed alcohol, my mother was her usual abusive towards me self, I smoked cigarettes (which Kerlie didn't know I smoked) and there was a beautiful view.
A moment I wish I could erase from my brain was this.
I know I kinda look like my father, minus the piercings and I'm basically him.
Kerlie spotted me get out of the car and said to himself "Bucko's home"
When Mum and I got to his house he was a bit teary eyed, he didn't need to tell me why, I already knew, after all I had looked in the mirror that morning and cried whilst brushing my teeth.
Sadly the reality of my father committing suicide to him is big, he isn't eluded by it but there is something in him screaming "THIS IS NOT REAL, ITS A DREAM, HE WOULDN'T DO THIS TO HIMSELF NOR I"
Reality is he did, being on both sides of the realities and facts is hard.
We didn't mourn his death on this day, we celebrated his life and celebrated my dad would have loved, a BBQ and a few drinks.
I've concluded something that I have not done for some months, I'm down to 91 problems (wow...progress?)
The problem was simple, realising potential?
If I can destroy an old saying with knowledge and experience, I can then destroy or rebuild lots of things with my experiences and knowledge.
Now I need someone to see my potential and give me a paying job so I can get my ass up to the fine place of Brisbane.
I'm putting the initiative in and hopefully it'll pay my efforts back sooner then later.
I miss you Dad, I miss you with all of my love and hate for you.
I didn't like Slipknot until I heard this song, the song is Circle and I instantly connected with Mark Buckridge, my Father and everything that his Suicide brought to me.
This is what caught me the most:
All that I wanted were things I had before
All that I needed, I never needed more
All of my questions were answers to my sins
All of my endings are waiting to begin
Once I find my drawing book and pencils I can start doing something else constructive, I will start designing another Rose Tattoo for myself, I forsee my Right arm turning into a Rose/Flower sleeve with only 2 Roses on the arm actually being coloured.
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