Christmas is Christ-mass to me and Valentines day is Valium Times Day.
To jump straight into this I have experienced alot lately, most not to reach the blog for some time, by then it won't seem important.
The man whom is Chasing Freedom reminded me of something tonight in his tired and exhausted state, I need to sit and write something down that will result in a blog post.
Well, it was in the back of my mind, much like the recent events one day will be at the back of my mind and it will all be memories enjoyed with a fine drink of Jack and Coke or Bacardi One Five One.
What happened one may ask?
Many things.
One thing that I will keep between myself and another person on my part, the matter has no business being here nor anywhere else frankly, I feel it doesn't belong anywhere accept between this person and I and I am severly disappointed in her attempts to bring others into it, nor can I blame her.
So, quick progress reports?
I got banned from Ozhonda for 3 days, during this time I also got another month.
What did I do?
I posted a picture of Becju (which I will do NOW)
That resulted in a 3 day Ban.
Then I chose (I knew what I was doing, I knew what the results were going to be) to post from another account.
Lauren was her name, I trolled with an introduction thread with this lady.
to Further the trolling at the time I used this image.
Anyway...thats explained now
During this 1 month Ban alot happened, I went to Victoria as readers know, I went home, I lived life, I continued the never ending search.
What search?
I wasn't Chasing Freedom, I did what I seem to do best, chasing reality and hurt, its not easy when also trip on truth, mourning and most of all being able to let it all out once again.
on one evening I actually found myself screaming and crying, my arms were flexed, my back hunched, my legs having a spasm in pain and lust as I screamed as loud as I could, I also woke my mother doing this.
She wondered to the Veranda, my appearance would have said enough, she whispered to me "feel a little better" I replied "It wasn't near enough"
I wasn't screaming a profanity nor was I screaming a word, just the sort of scream you would scream as a teenager as your head is under a pillow and you wish you could just die already.
Despite my self loathing and cry out to talk I did some of this on my own, I had many nights where there was no sleep, there was just cigarettes, tears and scolding showers.
It took a toll on my body and I loved the fine smell of self destruction once again, disgusting but true.
The smell of self destruction is the same as depression, the only difference is that it washes off easily the next day.
All of Valentines day I had many thoughts running through my head, some with a smile, some not.
Alot was on my mind, one question rose, will I hurt another unintentionally?
I guess what I said on Arek's blog post was correct, being a monster can be the best thing you can do.
In among this I also had questions about where am I going in life, my Father (also if he would be proud of me for once), my grandmother and my grandfather, after all they met on this day and wed a year later exactly.
I didn't see it coming but there was pain coming for me, pain and pleasure, not from the same source but it was going to be wrapped in one little envelope.
The funny thing about it, is that people that know me well they can see through me, no matter how long they've known me I have habbits and it makes me transparent.
Tania noticed one thing and asked if I was ok, I blatantly lied and said I was fine.
I just had shit on my mind at the time but didn't wish to unload on her (if you know what I mean)
Monday Morning after dropped Jen off to the airport my Mum and I had the radio on, a song came on that reminded me of Dad came on.
Everytime we'd be driving and this song turned on he'd either change the station or would cry.
I know that this song reminded Dad of my mother, now this song sadly reminds me of my Father hence why I cry or have to change the station now.
But as I sit here torturing myself and force myself through the pain it feels good to cry, it feels good to hurt.
[edit] I'm not only reminded of Dad but other things, other feelings, another pain and pleasure.
To cut this post short rather then ramble, I'll end it with the song.
Simply Red - Stars.
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