Friday, March 26, 2010
Saturday, March 20, 2010
FMLIA
Yet it stinks.
Why does it stink?
Something installed in me.
Being in a relationship and having a girlfriend is awesome, it somewhat helps make my life awesome, yet something in me tells me that it'll soon fuck me in the ass as its happened before.
I want to stand on the tallest building in Brisbane and scream into Surfers Paradise how awesome my life is, yet one thing that never would bother me makes me want to sit in a corner and count down days, hours and minutes until I spread my cheeks again.
No doubt its just me worrying over nothing, but it is because I finally have that girl, the girl that every guy wants and that I always saw others getting but never had a chance with, infact I am out of Jen's league.
Darryl once said "Don't undersell yourself Hank"
I can't help be who I am, I see my value as x cents but others see it as xx dollars, I disagree.
I was once told I'd changed, but I had not at that point, I've always played it cool and never had doubt in my mind about anything, especially people in my surroundings.
As it turned out, I was fucking wrong, no matter how I may surrounded myself with people who I know well, who I'd trust with me life and I know who spoke their mind, I was wrong and I had a dollar bill and I won't ever trust new people in the way I once did.
I now sit, count and wait for Jen to do what had been done before and leave me where I was before her.
In my mind I know it'll happen, I just want to know when so I'm not so shocked or hurt this time.
Unfortunately the way I was and the way I am, I had actually been proven wrong and in such a hard way.
no doubt I will cop shit for this, because I'm writing in my blog about someone again who still chooses to read last time I knew of.
I've somewhat lost a part of me, my identity, the essence of me.
I can still put on those glasses, put on that smile and still appear the same, but I feel lost in who I am now, I'd rather walk around with a paper bag over my head constantly.
The first person I should trust I'm unsure of when I shouldn't mis-trust this person.
I now doubt and lack trust in those who are close to me, who want the best for me and most of all, love me for who I am and what I do, or in some cases DID!
I have a fucking problem, time can heal this wound for me while I fight the forces of getting paid and sending a book back to Victoria.
Why does it stink?
Something installed in me.
Being in a relationship and having a girlfriend is awesome, it somewhat helps make my life awesome, yet something in me tells me that it'll soon fuck me in the ass as its happened before.
I want to stand on the tallest building in Brisbane and scream into Surfers Paradise how awesome my life is, yet one thing that never would bother me makes me want to sit in a corner and count down days, hours and minutes until I spread my cheeks again.
No doubt its just me worrying over nothing, but it is because I finally have that girl, the girl that every guy wants and that I always saw others getting but never had a chance with, infact I am out of Jen's league.
Darryl once said "Don't undersell yourself Hank"
I can't help be who I am, I see my value as x cents but others see it as xx dollars, I disagree.
I was once told I'd changed, but I had not at that point, I've always played it cool and never had doubt in my mind about anything, especially people in my surroundings.
As it turned out, I was fucking wrong, no matter how I may surrounded myself with people who I know well, who I'd trust with me life and I know who spoke their mind, I was wrong and I had a dollar bill and I won't ever trust new people in the way I once did.
I now sit, count and wait for Jen to do what had been done before and leave me where I was before her.
In my mind I know it'll happen, I just want to know when so I'm not so shocked or hurt this time.
Unfortunately the way I was and the way I am, I had actually been proven wrong and in such a hard way.
no doubt I will cop shit for this, because I'm writing in my blog about someone again who still chooses to read last time I knew of.
To ensure I cop what I deserve, I will put it in black and white, thanks Rhiannon for changing who I was and installing something in me, doubt
I've somewhat lost a part of me, my identity, the essence of me.
I can still put on those glasses, put on that smile and still appear the same, but I feel lost in who I am now, I'd rather walk around with a paper bag over my head constantly.
The first person I should trust I'm unsure of when I shouldn't mis-trust this person.
I now doubt and lack trust in those who are close to me, who want the best for me and most of all, love me for who I am and what I do, or in some cases DID!
I have a fucking problem, time can heal this wound for me while I fight the forces of getting paid and sending a book back to Victoria.
Friday, March 12, 2010
Everything From Here to There
One Year.....its officially been one year since I found out about Dad.
The Lord works in mysterious ways much like my father, One year after the moment I knew my father was gone something that we worked so hard for is mine once again, my license.
Its an amazing feeling, where did the year go?
I flushed it down the toilet pretty much, am I better person for it?
Who fucking knows.
I've had so many memories pop into my head today, alot not involving dad but the events after his demise.
Memories of Valentines day, Memories of Victoria, Memories of November, Memories of Brisbane and Surfers and thoughts of 'What if?'
Its been a pleasure and a pain, I just wanted to share some music which influenced my thoughts.
The thought came into my head today, I'd kill to hear my Fathers voice speak the lyrics from the hit band Smashing Pumpkins song - Perfect.
To be precise:
You know you're just like me
Next time I promise we'll be perfect
At the end of the day one song calmed me down, with its soft and soothing ways.
The Lord works in mysterious ways much like my father, One year after the moment I knew my father was gone something that we worked so hard for is mine once again, my license.
Its an amazing feeling, where did the year go?
I flushed it down the toilet pretty much, am I better person for it?
Who fucking knows.
I've had so many memories pop into my head today, alot not involving dad but the events after his demise.
Memories of Valentines day, Memories of Victoria, Memories of November, Memories of Brisbane and Surfers and thoughts of 'What if?'
Its been a pleasure and a pain, I just wanted to share some music which influenced my thoughts.
The thought came into my head today, I'd kill to hear my Fathers voice speak the lyrics from the hit band Smashing Pumpkins song - Perfect.
To be precise:
You know you're just like me
Next time I promise we'll be perfect
At the end of the day one song calmed me down, with its soft and soothing ways.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
The Upward spiral?
Well last week something happened, something that happened almost a year beforehand exactly.
My Prier bead broke, the green ones resides with Rhiannon now, whatever happens or happened to it shall be, its nolonger mine, but my black ones, they now reside with Pedo Bear....I mean Pedo Panda, broken and forever sacred..
Clearly it was a sign that I now need to look back one last time and kiss the past goodbye, or it was a sign of the times coming ahead, who knows, I sure as fuck don't.
My beads breaking was scary as all fuck, I placed them down on the counter before hopping in the shower, upon returning I found that the cross had broken and was shattered, why the cross? Dad wasn't religious, neither have I really.
The last time I tried to enter a church was 1 year ago as of next Monday, where I was kicked out because I had piercing and hair.
I always intended to have a cross tattooed on me, but go figure the rose resides where I planned it to be.
This morning I woke up and was looking back, sitting in the car on the way to work and looking back, looking back and pondering how the fuck I ended up here and what am I doing now that I'm here.
How the fuck did I somehow manage to meet a girl who would be the piece missing from my puzzle of getting to Brisbane, for good, HOW?
Who the fuck knows how this all works, I guess in a way something Jen said once upon a time was true, Dad is looking out for me in a big way, I guess meeting her was thanks to Dad in the scheme of things.
I had my eyebrow plucked tonight, not my choosing but it had to be done again anyway.
I realised as I looked in the Mirror:
"Fuck, I'm still Mark Buckridge"
Like Father, Like Son they say.
A year ago I was planning my day off work to commit suicide and was given the green light to have it off, exactly a year ago..
No doubt Dads was a last minute thing, he had been planning it but I highly doubt that he would have pulled the plug when he did, so early and so sloppy.
His choice, he wasn't as much as a perfectionist as I was, I guess I have Mum to thank for that.
One fucking year ago it would have been so different.
My Prier bead broke, the green ones resides with Rhiannon now, whatever happens or happened to it shall be, its nolonger mine, but my black ones, they now reside with Pedo Bear....I mean Pedo Panda, broken and forever sacred..
Clearly it was a sign that I now need to look back one last time and kiss the past goodbye, or it was a sign of the times coming ahead, who knows, I sure as fuck don't.
My beads breaking was scary as all fuck, I placed them down on the counter before hopping in the shower, upon returning I found that the cross had broken and was shattered, why the cross? Dad wasn't religious, neither have I really.
The last time I tried to enter a church was 1 year ago as of next Monday, where I was kicked out because I had piercing and hair.
I always intended to have a cross tattooed on me, but go figure the rose resides where I planned it to be.
This morning I woke up and was looking back, sitting in the car on the way to work and looking back, looking back and pondering how the fuck I ended up here and what am I doing now that I'm here.
How the fuck did I somehow manage to meet a girl who would be the piece missing from my puzzle of getting to Brisbane, for good, HOW?
Who the fuck knows how this all works, I guess in a way something Jen said once upon a time was true, Dad is looking out for me in a big way, I guess meeting her was thanks to Dad in the scheme of things.
I had my eyebrow plucked tonight, not my choosing but it had to be done again anyway.
I realised as I looked in the Mirror:
"Fuck, I'm still Mark Buckridge"
Like Father, Like Son they say.
A year ago I was planning my day off work to commit suicide and was given the green light to have it off, exactly a year ago..
No doubt Dads was a last minute thing, he had been planning it but I highly doubt that he would have pulled the plug when he did, so early and so sloppy.
His choice, he wasn't as much as a perfectionist as I was, I guess I have Mum to thank for that.
One fucking year ago it would have been so different.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Today is, TODAY IS?
Its been just over a week since the best week of my life kicked in, well, its been a long fucking month already and its barely began.
Well, cutting the long stories short, I'm finally home!!
Where is home?
Home is where the heart is, I'm in Brisbane now and it feels so fucking good.
What tops this off?
Getting a job (technically two), I did it, I managed to get a job in Brisbane and the ability to move up here.
It wasn't purely thanks me frankly, I have Jen to forever thank for this.
All of the pain I have suffered over the past year, All of the tears I've shed, All of the hate I've recieved, All of the text messages I've sent and recieved, its all come to a new beginning!
Now to just finish this brief and shit post off with something clever.
Well, cutting the long stories short, I'm finally home!!
Where is home?
Home is where the heart is, I'm in Brisbane now and it feels so fucking good.
What tops this off?
Getting a job (technically two), I did it, I managed to get a job in Brisbane and the ability to move up here.
It wasn't purely thanks me frankly, I have Jen to forever thank for this.
All of the pain I have suffered over the past year, All of the tears I've shed, All of the hate I've recieved, All of the text messages I've sent and recieved, its all come to a new beginning!
Now to just finish this brief and shit post off with something clever.
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