08/03/11 - the leading to it.

You know you have issues when:
+you can't look at the computer and find just what it is you want to write
+you sit on the train home and pray that you can find that way of words you had
+you are inhibriated and find that place in your mind
+you have to sleep for close to 10 hours an evening and still want more
+you miss not sleeping and watching the sun rise
+you are not the right one, it's just her
+you are aware of whom you are, yet do not understand who
+being over it, whatever it is

The Negatives of being so cash.

I'm Lloyd Hugh (SoCash) Buckridge, I'm almost 21, I'm living in my paradise and I'm learning everyday.

So Cash - the origin for me was 2007 a time where I lurked /b/ in between spamming multiple forums, so 24/7.

Shit was not cash then and I chose to leave /b/, but then again thinking back to it, its a point of my life where I have no images of myself, nor pleasant memories but they seem dismal since Dad's passing and the rose being left behind.

Thinking to the time now, So Cash has another connection now, to a song called Drunk Again by Reel Big Fish.

What is so cash now?

Its me, I have millions of dollar bills, for being wrong, back in 2009 I'd say some profit was achieved.

Well, being right, but putting that feeling in my gut aside and pressing on to be wrong.

Why am I wrong? because I was right and I didn't let on to myself that I was right.

Note to self - Press on and know you'll be wrong, because being right is something I do externally, not in my own life.

Well...

Its been a while, hasn't it?

What will I go through?

None of the events from April till now.


Accept one.

Mark.

I have my unicorn, the car I've been hunting for, 3 years to be precise.

How does it feel?

Amazing yet depressing.

So this post will introduce another part of me, which I will start writing on shortly.

I think I will call it: You're not shit.


Why?

Because you're not shit unless they talk about you.

Lets face it, a car isn't legendary unless its talked about at meets, on forums and overseas.

I don't aim to get Mark there, but fuck I'll try.

Cracks in the concrete.

A small lesson in life:

Cracks in the concrete are just reminders that you'll always fall apart no matter how strong you are.

The becoming...

Well, I haven't changed at all, Rhiannon accuse me of changing and becoming something I don't like, but reality is that I'm still the same.

There are many proofs to this and many more to come in my life.


An example is how its all the same, the faces and names and how I'm scared of myself again.

....irrelivent name is irrelivent.

Troll bait is Troll bait.

So, who am I?

I'm Lloyd, 21, originally from Sydney but now living in Brisbane.

otherwise can I identify myself any further?

Am I an Enigma?

Am I a reality?

Am I a dream?

Am I real?

Do I exist or am I an alter ego of another being?

I look at these pictures and I see what I am, not who I am nor what I have become.













The simple answer is no, I choose not to re-delve into what I am becoming.

My Head.

Sometimes I truly despise myself, my experiences and what goes in my head, though I wouldn't change a thing, if anything I'd go forth and try to experience more, despise more and experience more pain then I already have endured and see if I can become a mental vegetable.

I think the worst of myself, I believe the worst of myself, I feel the worst of myself, I have experiened the worst in myself (and in life) yet I destroy myself a little more each and everyday.

I wake up from sleep and am very aware what I experienced in sleep isn't a reality, though it scares even myself and my mind.

What are these things?

Think of it as Predator hiding in the Amazon somewhere, you're deaf, have your eyes wide open and are tied to a chair with your blood dripping.

I suffer from depression, it seems anxiety also?

Its scary but another pair of eyes have changed me, not green though a multiple of colours (depending on mood I guess) and its this pair of eyes that can stare at me deeply and smile which will make my heart melt, no matter what, it forces me to feel good about myself again and remember I'm a lucky man, I have the dream and that I am where I am now, not the past tense or future tense, the present which is all that matters.

These eyes are aware I blog, weither she reads it or not isn't the question nor the care.

My thoughts and feelings being put across is, and it happens.

I'm too tired to finish this amazingly, so I will stop here, re-write in the future as things appear and put a beautiful piece of classical on for you all.